Superman wouldn't judge....

For those of you who know my friend Sauro this might make more sense...its a conversation we just had on msn that I thought was funny - but I don't think he was overly impressed with me...but I still thought it was funny...

Sauro asked me what I was doing and I stated I was attempting to go through my msn list and delete people - but I have a problem with this - as I feel horribly guilty doing so! I was able to delete three people, three people who I had no idea who they were and they had not been put in a category (ie; friends, family, western, windsor, etc)... so I can't feel bad about deleting someone I do not talk to and have no idea who they are anyway!
He said thats where he and I differ - he takes pleasure in deleting people and I feel guilty. (this isn't the funny part yet... keep reading)
My friend Sauro is a good hearted individual....and I tend to think of myself as being so as well - so I state
Well - it is probably just the difference of being from two different parts in Europe. However, since I'm from the area of Hitler - you'd actually think I'd be more cut throat - but maybe the German's have learned their lesson and are now being kind and caring - and Italians are just more cut throat - I guess you could say Italy is the new Germany.
Now thats what I found funny... but Sauro didn't seem too impressed - I suppose no one really wants to be compared to the times of Hitler - he was a very intelligent man and a gifted speaker - just also had a few screws lose - and unfortunately the wrong few screws!
But it still gave me a laugh - I don't think that makes me a bad person - just one who laughs at her own jokes!
Why I decided to share this? Well - because it would be a more light-hearted entry as opposed to my last "few"

Is Superman considered a soldier of sorts?

Yet another Canadian soldier has lost his life in Afganastan. That makes 10 this month and 37 for the year.
Today my roommates and I discussed whether or not we could marry a soldier.
I do not think I would be able to do this. I do not have the strength for it.
However, I could marry a firefighter - yes he still puts his life in danger, he still fights a tough battle, and he saves people's lives - but he comes home a lot more frequently.
I get that its more likely to die in a car crash then as a Canadian Soldier - but never knowing where they are going to be stationed next, not knowing how long they will be away this time, and not knowing when or even if I'm going to see him next - I wasn't built with that type of courage and strength.
The women who are married to soldiers - well God bless them! And may they possess an extraordinary level of strength!

What would Superman do?

I'm conflicted.
I had a meeting today with my summer course professor. I have yet to finish the course due to the happenings in the month of August. Last week was my first full week back at school - thus the discussion of what I was going to do about my final had yet to be discussed... until today.
I woke up at 5:30am to be in Windsor by 9:00am. Not I know you are thinking 5:30 - 9:00 is 3.5 hours - why on earth do you need 3.5 hours to get from Corunna to Windsor? Let me tell you. I woke up at 5:30 in the morning - jumped in the shower, I finished getting ready at about 6:00am. I then had to still pack up my stuff and load the car (you would like an individual would not have that much stuff to pack after only being away for less then 48 hours - these people have clearly not met me!). After the car was packed I hung out with my mother (as what seems to be our usual, we discussed an individual whom we know who was killed in a car accident this weekend. Sadly the family to which he belongs recently lost another family member to cancer - so they are not having much fun either!).
So after chatting with my mom I finally was on the road at about 6:50am. This got me to my house (after a Tim Hortons stop in Chatham) in Windsor at about 8:45am. I dropped off the stuff for the fridge, used the facilities and went to school. That is why I needed 3.5 hours!
So - I'm at school. I have a 9am meeting with my professor.
She tells me I have a few options for my exam
1) write the exam
2) write parts of the exam
3) present a lecture (of absolutely not relation to the subject matter at hand) in her undergraduate course
4) do nothing at all and just take the grade of A+, the highest possible mark as no A++ or A+++ exist, and as far as I am aware, A is the first letter of the alphabet.

So you would think that the choice is fairly obvious right? SO WRONG! I'd like to take option number 4 - BUT - I don't think its fair to my other students who had to write the exam, and I dont think it is fair to myself because I had been working on it - so I don't want that effort to go to waste (minus the point that I gained knowledge from my work). At the same time I do not want to write the entire exam because I just don't have enough time for that, but I want to do something to feel like I still earned my grade. The class she teaches is exercise and movement for special populations (ie, Down Syndrome, Cystic Fibrosis, MS, CP, etc...) so really that isn't related to neuromuscular physiology AT ALL... but it is a lecture I'd like to give because it would look great on my CV and would be more experience teaching! So that option provides me with personal gain....BUT - she also told me that doing part of the exam and doing a lecture would be a lot of work and not necessary - and knows I like to take on more work than at times I can handle....
I think I'm going to write part of the exam - so I can feel like I did something to earn my grade. But - I'm also going to ask to do the lecture because of the factshe wants me to do the one related to CF - and well its not like I need to do any research - I can talk of personal knowledge and experience!
So in conclusion - I'm crazy and really should take option 4 - but clearly will not take the "easy way out"

At the track

I went to the track last night with my mom, my sister, and my brother's girlfriend's mother.
I have always enjoyed going to the track - I'm not much of a gambler - but its just a fun atmosphere to be in every once in a while.
We bet on a horse (my sister and I) named "goodtoseeyadad" ... he placed... and we bet he'd win.
But in the 7th race there was a horse who went by "Mark" something... so I put him to place. My sister bet on "Little Brother" to win. We were both right! We took home a larger sum of $4 and $4.50 respectively. Hey - I said we weren't really gamblers.
Had a very nice waiter... he went to Laurier and played in the Vanier Cup last year so he was sporting a very nice ring on his right hand - which of course I pointed out and had a football discussion with him. He scowled at me for being a Mustang, and then chuckled at me being a Lancer... I rule! He's applying to go to teacher's college next year.... so I wish him luck.

I'm updating because I got yelled at! :(

I didn't have a good week.
It was my first full week back to school - and hectic and stressful are understating adjectives to describe the week that was bestowed upon me.
I had to teach 3 hours on Tuesday - first year anatomy... I was very nervous. The stuff I needed to cover, I myself didn't really understand so I was praying no one would ask me questions. They did - but thankfully I could think on my feet and got through it. All in all I survived -
Thursday I had a grad class presentation. I was sick to my stomach over this feat. I did not udnerstand what I was to be presenting. I worked my butt off to prepare and truly understand what I was doing. It did not go as I was expecting. I expected it to go as I practiced... but I was so off the mark it wasn't funny. Thankfully I was still able to think on my feet (didn't use it all up on Tuesday) and got myself through it. Some other students said it went ok - but I was still frustrated with what happened.
Today I had a speakers series at school. The guest speaker was ok - but not in my realm of research so I really didn't have the mind set to listen as intently as I could have. Worse yet, the guy I would be interested in my program pretty much ignored me. And I looked nice today! My hair was nice, my makeup was nice, and I wore a shirt that accented the right things. I got nothing . I haven't spoke of him yet because I didn't want to jinx anything - but I guess there wasn't anything to actually jinx .
BUT - I did get to talk to my really good looking and nice roommate who lives upstairs and he happened to not be wearing a shirt ;D. But we talked about how he was excited that his girlfriend was going to arrive shortly to spend the weekend... ahh nuts. I met his girlfriend this summer though - she's really nice... so good for them... but boo for me. Speaking of being excited for other people but sad for yourself - my lab sister (in my lab there are two boys and two girls... we are family)... she got a surprise engagement this week! YEAH KAT.... but I'm jealous... I wish I had that too.. oh well one day.. YEAH KAT!

A dream...

I woke up this mornign at 6:30am... straight out of a dream.

I was having this dream that my family moved again... still in Corunna but to a different house - the layout was just so beautiful I almost feel like sketching it out to one day build it for myself....
My sister was doing something in her room - and my dad had decided that he was going to lay down for a bit....we all had bedrooms on the top floor of the house (one flight up from the main)... which should have been my first indication that I was having a dream because never in my lifetime have my parents not had their bedroom on the main floor!
Anyhoo - so my mom and I were talking in this most beautiful kitchen - I was so happy my mom had this huge kitchen because she enjoys being in the kitchen but has never really had much room... we were talking about whether or not my brother knew yet (it was like a spontaneous move or something) and just having a wonderful chitchat when it dawned on me... my dad isn't upstairs sleeping --- my dad won't even be able to make the move.... my dad is dead - so I was wide awake with this realization and it still didn't make me cry or anything but it was such an erie feeling - but it still wasn't for another 5-10 minutes before I even realized that we also were not moving, that the house I dreamt about, at least to my knowledge, doesn't exist....

I may be sick

So - working on my computer tonight - when it goes into what I assume is powersave mode.... fine whatever - oh no - why would something be simple for me? The computer won't turn back on... I've unplugged it with the hopes that maybe if the battery dies out - I can try and reboot it then.
Usually I'd have things backed up - so no big deal. But I have been in Corunna where I can't back things up - I came to Windsor this morning - so haven't had time to back anything up.
So there are a bunch of things on my computer I'd like to have - one example being my exam. I've been working on my exam and now may have to start over again.
But - this isn't what will make me sick...
My fear is I may have just lost all my photos. The last photo I ever took of my dad is on there. The slide show I put together of my dad for the visitation is on there - all these photos are on my computer THAT I CAN"T TURN ON!
Yes I know they are only photos - and in the long scheme of things do not mean anything - but for a daughter who is still in denial.... and wants her father back - these photos mean the world....and I may have lost them... not intentionally.. but still me.
Things just keep getting better! Today I also found out that one of our closest family friends, who couldn't make it to dad's funeral because he wasn't well enough...his future just became a bit more difficult possibly. He's been battling cancer for a while now. He had it - went into remission. I believe he got again, but went back into remission. And now he has it again. He's been going to Sunnybrook Hospital since my dad's passing. They said there was a type of chemo he could try but there is only a 19% success rate at the moment, and that the side effects are just horrible. So - he's decided not to go with treatment because he rather have some good days left...rather than try to survive the side effects. And of course - on my dad, mom and sisters last trip they went and visited him, took lots of pictures, some really awesome ones too - and THEY ARE ON MY COMPUTER! (and now my mascara is running down my face! hahahaha)
I really want to puke.... but I'm going to breathe - and get through this.. I know this is just something little - but its just all building up....

Maybe I could move in with Superman!

You know what. I really do not enjoy Windsor. I like the fact that I am here for school, and I enjoy sitting here at my desk even - I like the opportunities I've been given, and the information I have attained. The people I have met too are even for the most part great people. But its not home. My family is not here. My close friends are even further away. I understand that currently I am a mixture of emotions and what I may feel one moment may differ from the next. However, I'm not entirely sure that being in Windsor is the best thing for me. I still know that I need to be here in order to help me out in the future - but without close friends and family within grasp I think this year is going to get even more difficult than before. Its not fair either because I want to be busy because that helps increase distraction tactics, but it also means that I don't get to travel to go and visit friends/family. But on the other hand - as much as I want to go and visit my family/friends I don't want to sit in a car anymore for hours by myself. But if Superman were here - he could save me time by flying me everywhere in a matter of no time!! Yet another reason why I at least need Superman.

Maybe I could move in with Superman!

You know what. I really do not enjoy Windsor. I like the fact that I am here for school, and I enjoy sitting here at my desk even - I like the opportunities I've been given, and the information I have attained. The people I have met too are even for the most part great people. But its not home. My family is not here. My close friends are even further away. I understand that currently I am a mixture of emotions and what I may feel one moment may differ from the next. However, I'm not entirely sure that being in Windsor is the best thing for me. I still know that I need to be here in order to help me out in the future - but without close friends and family within grasp I think this year is going to get even more difficult than before. Its not fair either because I want to be busy because that helps increase distraction tactics, but it also means that I don't get to travel to go and visit friends/family. But on the other hand - as much as I want to go and visit my family/friends I don't want to sit in a car anymore for hours by myself. But if Superman were here - he could save me time by flying me everywhere in a matter of no time!! Yet another reason why I at least need Superman.

What would Superman's Song be?

I've been told that each person has a song. There is a song out there that a person can most relate too, or the lyrics just fit inthe description of his or her life. Once a song is chosen, it does not mean this will be the song that fits for the rest of one's life. Rather the song of description may change moment to moment, year to year, or life event to life event.
There are songs that exist that I really like, but this was just personal prefence and not because the song actually depicted any part of my life or who I am... ok "I like big butts" was close enough to be a theme song! hahaha.
Today however, as I sat at the dining room table in my parents house, supposedly working on school work (more realistically allowing myself to be distracted by the multitude of television stations that are serviced to the house!)...a singer formerly a contestent on RockStar Supernova (for those who aren't up to date with the show, I will not say the name in case you dod not know this person is kicked off yet...)... say a song on Ellen today that made me listen to the lyrics a little more closely. It is a song we've all heard - its a song we all know, and most likely sing along too. However, if you sang along in a way similar to me, you would have done so mindlessly. Even after you just sang word for word the song, you would not be able to repeat the lyrics to someone - unless the song was playing with you once again.
I enjoyed the lyrics of this song, and currently think it fits well into my life. I probably could fit a lot of individuals lives - but they way each of us may relate it to our lives could drastically differ.
The song - We are the Champions.
The lyrics -
Ive paid my dues -Time after time -Ive done my sentence But committed no crime -And bad mistakes Ive made a fewIve had my share of sand kicked in my face -But Ive come throughWe are the champions - my friends And well keep on fighting - till the end -We are the champions -We are the champions No time for losers cause we are the champions - of the world -Ive taken my bows And my curtain calls -You brought me fame and fortuen and everything that goes with it -I thank you all -But its been no bed of roses No pleasure cruise -I consider it a challenge before the whole human race -And I aint gonna lose -We are the champions - my friends And well keep on fighting - till the end -We are the champions -We are the champions No time for losers cause we are the champions - of the world -

driving leads to thinking which leads to uhoh

As I was driving home (moms) today....I was thinking... I usually either do some thinking or singing while on my drives...thinking won out this time.
But this time I began to ponder whether or not I was actually alive. It made more sense to me that I had already passed away (in my thoughts it was killed in a car accident)... you all have been to my funeral, you have mourned my death, and you have moved on with your lives.... and instead of what I just assumed to be my life over the last 8-12 months, in fact has not been. I'm in an alternate world where life kept ticking and I did not become aware that I was dead. All of the things I have gone through this year (sadly more downs then ups) have been a challenge for me - to see if I could overcome these obstacles, still remain a good person, and thus reap my eternal reward in heaven....if I fail miserably - I either get stuck in this horrible nightmare of a loop of bad things.... or I just plummit to the so-called pits of hell. As I was contemplating such thoughts a country song came onto the radio "if you're going through hell, keep on moving, don't slow down, if your scared don't show you...you might get out before the devil even knows you there...."
The car ride also encompassed a large amount of Johnny Cash songs... which were difficult to listen too (my dad's fav. was Mr. Cash...we even played his cd at the funeral home) so ever since then I haven't done well listening to him...but as I scanned from radio station to radio station of different genres even - Mr. Cash kept making an appearance......I never did fully understand my dad's sense of humour! hahaha

I'm miserable

Today did not start out well. I wanted to sleep the morning away - but of course I was wide awake. I couldn't stand laying in bed thinking so I got up and tried to distract myself.
Adriana (roomie) and I had lunch, and I went to school for class.
I'm scared about my class - I think its going to be quite the challenge. I drank rum and pepsi all through class.
I went to the mall after class to trade in my cell phone - so now I have new one...same number though.
The girls from school who I thought I was going drinking with decided they weren't going out tonight - I got ditched.
BUT - I made plans with Amanda, a girl from high school who moved to Windsor a few days ago for teachers college. (my roomie invited me to go out to her law school thing too! but I had told Amanda at this point I'd meet up with her).
We went to an on campus bar because there was something going on there - the place was packed. We drank, we danced. Then we left and grabbed a coffee and talked some. All in all it was good.
I think I'm just sad that the girls bailed - because had say for example one of them been dumped I'd drop everything and be there to try and cheer them up. Maybe they forgot what today was. I dunno.... but I also know that my dearest friends like you guys would be here for me... and I think its just making me miss you so terribly much.
I just wish Windsor was closer to Toronto/Guelph/London... being here, although I need to be here for the purposes of school and furthering my education... its just really tearing me a part.
Other than my roommate, I just don't feel appreciated here.... when I want to pick up my phone and call someone - there is no one in the area to call.... if I want to go out - it just isnt' convenient to others... I don't mean to complain and put a damper on things - but I just want to be happy. I would really like it if life would stop throwing my obstacles - I feel like I just have no chance....that I'm at least not being given a fighting chance. I'm tired of all of this.
I'm very thankful for the life I have - I have been given so much - but I've also been through so much crap in the last 24 years. I just want to do home - but I can't because it just doesn't exist.
I'm tired, I don't put up a fight, I'm just done with it all.

Little Miss Sunshine

Miss Jennifer recommended a great movie - I was able to go and see it tonight. It is a fabulous movie and I would suggest anyone to go and watch it - especially if they need a good laugh. HOWEVER, if you have recently lost a father or a grandfather - you may have some difficult moments in the movie....
The movie was fantastically written, well performed, and excellently delivered.
For my first night back in Windsor - I was glad it was such a good movie - even with maybe some not exactly the best thing to watch due to recent events moments!
Good Choice Jen!

More Fallen Canadian Soldiers

We went to church today - there was a mass for my dad, and the 25 year old girl in the area who was killed when hit by a transport truck, although I did not know her, my family is good friends with the family of her boyfriend.
At church we learned some very tragic news. Earlier today 4-5 more canadian soldiers have been killed. We know this because one of the soldiers was a 21 year old who lives in the Port Lambton area. Thats the thing too about living in a small populated area - everyone knows everyone, and news travels - the government hasn't even released the information to the nation yet - and here we are already grieving and praying over them at church. I feel horrible for his family - can we say that he died in honour? That he died fighting for OUR country? I don't understand politics, and I especially do not understand the war with Afganistan....but it does still effect the lives of those that live amongst us...scary.
I hope that the soldiers are safe, and return home all in one piece - and for those that do not make it - I hope they shall ever rest in peace

Don't sugar coat things

So I've learned lately that people are trying to sugar coat things for me and my family... well thats just silly. I know the intent is to be helpful - but in the end it isn't.
For example, we found out this morning in a round about way that last week my cousin fell off a ladder while 9 feet off the ground. He landed on his feet. He has to spend 3-4 days in hospital, but thankfully he only cracked a vertebra. I say thankfully - because his injuries couldhave been a lot worse. Yes he is injured, yes he is in pain, but if it had to happen - at least it did not happen with worse outcomes. However, it was decided to keep this information from people. I understand not telling the relatives that went to Holland for the funeral. The ones that returned on Saturday have now been informed, but my Aunt (cousin's mom) is still in Holland and will not be told until she returns, thats understandable.....but why avoid telling me and/or my mom - we're going to find out eventually - so if you want to tell us, tell us - if you don't no big deal - we won't be offended... but later on in conversation don't tell us you've been debating whether or not to call and just didn't want to put another problem on the plate - we'd rather know and deal with it - then be kept in the dark and find out down the line.

Possibly shameful to admit

Paris Hilton.
She is the topic of many conversations over the past few years. Lots of "Western Girls" attempt to be Miss Hilton herself. Thankfully I was not one of them.
Paris Hilton has made herself a name in the world of the media - I would probably aim to guess more not-so-positive thoughts and judgements on her.
When I first heard that she was going to make an album - I thought it was a joke, April Fools or any other day - joke. Well - she actually made one.
I was watching some news thing on the television last night and decided to listen in on the segment devoted to Paris Hilton's newest career choice - music.
I was expecting to be able to get a nice little chuckle out of the segment - instead, my jaw pretty much hit the floor. Paris Hilton's c.d. does not sound all that bad. Some of the songs have a catching beat - her voice isn't whiney or horrible, and some of the lyrics aren't half bad either. Oh my gosh what on earth is happening to the world as we know it?
Well - I can't say whether or not she'll make this a long-winded career or not - but she definitely has at least one checkmark in my books beside her name now - she did something that wasn't complete crap. Maybe that just proves there is hope for the world afterall - that we all can accomplish something half-decent...
Who would have thunk it? Not this dutch girl - oh well... I'm sure I'll be surprised again....