At the beginning of 2009, as with many starts to a new calendar year, people think about what they hope the new year will bring. Personally I had hoped for 2009 to be a year of happiness, health, and safety for my friends and family. I was hoping that it would be a year of joyous celebrations - not ones of death, or sickness. So far these hopes have been mediocre at best.
2009 has not been a lost cause though. First of all, we are only a day away from finishing the 3rd month of the year. Although it absolutely blows my mind that we are almost in April, as I do not know where the time has gone, it does provide hope as there is obviously many more months in the year to make 2009 a very good year. Above and beyond this though, I find that 2009 has been, personally, a year of self-reflection and growth. It was not an intentional plan... but I think it has been beneficial.

Now for a story about a pebble.

Recently, on the way to a volleyball game, I was turning my car around in the parking lot when my power steering decided to stop working. This was not an enjoyable experience, especially since manually turning a steering wheel is tough work, made only more difficult by an injured rotator cuff (shoulder muscles). I knew that the time to bring my car in for its semi-annual was approaching, so it did not bother me all that much to have to bring my car into the shop. I requested the semi-annual check-up and attention to be given to the power steering. After dropping off the car on a fairly warm Wednesday morning, I headed to school. Five minutes prior to the start of a class I received a phone call. It was the car shop on the other end of the line. They informed me that the breaks and steering column would need to be replaced. The cost was going to approach $1000.00. I hadn't not planned for this in my budget. However, if it needed to be done so I could drive my car - I said for them to go ahead and I would figure out the finances. I was sick to my stomach almost all day with this news. Finally, near dinner time I received a call that my car was ready. When I went to the customer service counter I was given a bill for almost $2000.00!!! I went through a daze trying to figure out if I was going to faint or puke. Turns out that my breaks had to be replaced, the steering column needed to be replaced, the rotors had to be replaced, the tires were suggested to be replaced (but thankfully held off), plus a bunch of other things. Ummm.... my car is fairly new... WTF? My mechanic first of all let me gain a little more stable ground when he reduced the price back to what was quoted to me on the phone (thank goodness for waranties!) and then started to tell me that every once in a while they see something that is so rare in occurrence it is considered a "freak episode". Lucky Me. Oh yah - so lucky, that I managed to get a pebble stuck between my rotor and my break pads, causing a grove to be made, thus causing stress on the other break. The friction and stress ended up breaking the clasps. The tires as a result were affected. Of course a chain reaction of events followed until my steering column was compromised causing the powering steering to disengage.. thus allerting my attention to something being wrong with my car.
So thanks to a pebble, which by the way I never got to see or keep, my car had over $2000.00 in repairs!
Whoever said technology was a good thing? haha

lost.... but not on an island

Its St. Patrick's Day.

I wore green.  A green shirt.  Its actually a really nice green shirt - I think some of my friends would be impressed with me.

I had a 12+ hour day today - I'm tired.

I just ate some pizza that I ordered and barely through the neck of a bottle of beer that I opened an hour ago.

I'm tired, my tummy hurts (my own fault)... and I don't know if these are factors as to why I just feel horrible - that I want to crumble... and possibly cry.

I had a very up and down weekend.  I was at a conference.  Some moments were great - and others made me want to hide under a rock - or was left trying to figure out how on earth someone let me into a Ph.D. program..... and what my reasons for continuing are.

there are a lot of drunk people screaming outside of my door.  I saw a lot of drunk people on campus today too.  Not surprising.  I'm actually impressed I cracked open a beer... a little disappointed but not surprised that I've barely touched it.

You know when you get "bad" news its feels like someone punched you in the stomach.  I feel like that right now.

I can't even say I have 100% justification for it.  I did read something that took me by surprise - I could take it in a positive light -- however, I'm leaning more the other way and thinking that its just not something I saw coming -- but then again I think I may have... and have just been coming up with other reasons to be the logical explanation -- I know that makes no sense - you'll just have to trust me.

I'm very happy for the people/friends I've met since moving back to London - but I have to be honest - I'm really missing me good/close friends.  I want to say that I just want to go out and party and have a good time - but I think a much larger part of me just wants to curl up on a couch beside them and bawl my eyes out.

Oh well - I'm sure that this is just a down part on the rollercoaster - in the next day or two I'll cheer up - things will appear back on track..... for now - i'll just focus on school work and pray that the other things in my life - that I long for work out.

procrastination is necessary for productivity

Some days I wonder (while I should be working and not mindlessly pondering the ways of the world, hoping my work will do itself), if I could even survive in the "real world". When I have an 8am class or schedule a meeting at that time, I manage to get out of bed and be at school on time. Its the days where I (conveniently) do not schedule anything before 3pm where I have an issue rolling out of bed at the time I set my alarm for.
So I question if I had a regular 9-5 job if it would become routine and I'd be able to go each day. If were able to do this, would I actually be productive during this 9-5 time slot - or would I have time to surf the web, play sudoku/solitaire/crosswords/etc..., go for coffee breaks (coffee breaks tend to increase rapidly during tim hortons roll of the rim to win season), walk around to see what everyone else is doing, etc... I think its an art to fill your day with things that you are constantly doing yet only manage to produce about 5 minutes of real work! MAYBE thats what a CEO does! hmmm......
On days when I don't have to go to school in the morning (ok, the days I choose not to go to scohol in the morning), I do sit in front of my computer... sometimes I actually do school work, but a 85% of the time also have the television on. I enjoy when the clock strikes noon. Channel 47 = Family Feud.
I take pride, and consider it a great accomplishment, when in the final round I get at least 3 of 5 number one answer! Which is actually 6 of 10 as a goal (sadly that is only 60% which is not a psasing grade in grad school) as I watch two episodes!
So when I have a meeting with my advisor and he asks me what work I've done this week - and I rapidly try to think of something to tell him that makes it seem like I was doing work - a little thought bubble really does appear over my head that says "I got 4 of the 5 number one answers yesterday in family feud - does that count as work?"

I have been lacking a lot of motivation lately - just haven't been able to convince myself to do much work - but last week I was actually RIDICULOUSLY productive (ok that may be in comparison to the baseline of nothing I created lately).. and this week, although a tad bit behind the productivity of last week I'm still doing pretty good - so YAH ME!