A letter a wrote to my mom but didn't give her.

Dear Mom,

You have taught me a lot in life and for that I am very thankful. For years I have always looked up to you, even after I passed you in height! You have always been an incredibly kind and caring individual. Sure you can throw the best guilt trips ever, but I only fall for them because I desperately do not want to disappoint you. I always want to do the best I can do in life so that you will be pleased with me and proud. I have always strived to be the best person I can be in life to show you that I am thankful for all you have done for me in life.

There have definitely been some difficult times throughout life but you have always been there through thick and thin. Your faith has also shown me that it is important to have faith, and that it will help pull you through some of the most difficult times in life.

Every night I say prayers before going to bed, this is a routine if you will, that you instilled in me since I was a little girl. Each night I pray to be a better person. I pray to be more like you. To be more compassionate, kind and caring. To be blessed with patience and love.

That is why it absolutely kills me to no longer say such a prayer any more at nighttime. Lately I feel that you have been very deceitful. You have lied to me on several occasions, even when I confronted you and gave you the opportunity to set the record straight. You have never been one to lie, so now to no longer know when you are actually telling the truth is a horrifying feeling. You tell me that you tell me the things that you think that you want me to hear. However, I have told you time and time again I just want to hear the truth. I am starting to think that you are just telling me the things that you actually wish you were saying.

I feel that over the last few weeks and months we have been losing you. I miss my mother. You are still the same physical body as my mother, but I feel your attentions and decisions are a completely different person, not the mother I have known for the last 28 years of my life. You promised me that you were not going to do anything stupid and that no matter what your children come first. Then you tell me that you are tired of living your life for your family because that is what you have done your entire life and it is now time that you start living your life for yourself. You told me that you realized you were caught up in a whirlwind of emotions and that you realized things were moving too fast and that you need to slow down and back the relationship up. The following week I learn you are working on plans to get married. You met with individuals from the Catholic Church and have come to realize that getting everything prepared may take more time than you realized – so you think an acceptable alternative is to go to a justice of the peace or the united church to “get the deed done”.

Mom, I want you to be happy. I am happy you have found an individual who you enjoy spending time with. You and dad always said when we were growing up that if one of you were to pass the other was to not feel guilty about moving forward and finding another individual to spend your time with. I do not feel that you getting remarried means you are replacing my father. I feel violated. I feel that you have been deceitful. I feel that you are turning your back on your religion and on your family.

You are inviting him into our family. This is in no way a bringing together of two families. This is absolutely him joining our family – and maybe in the future this would be totally acceptable and fine – but right now I feel like you are forcing things upon the rest of the family. Especially with Laura – this has not been entirely fair to her. I repeat, I want you to be happy, and you a grown woman who can make her own choices – but the fact remains you are a mother. You do already have a family – you cannot just turn your back on us. I refuse to believe what truly makes you happy in life is making your children horribly miserable. The mother I know would want to ensure that her children were ok with her decisions in addition to herself.

There are so many things that just do not fit with this whole situation. It should not be an ultimatum, it should not be a choice between me and my siblings and this other man. Love is suppose to bring people together, not separate them. Marriage is to bring a couple together, and their families – not create a new family while alienating one that already exists.

The family dynamic is destined to change. That’s ok. It changed when dad died. I changed when Leo got married. It will change when I one day hopefully get married. It was also change if/when you get remarried. That is totally acceptable. But it should not be a ruining change. I know that I have not been the most pleasant through this experience – and I have heard you when you say that it is my own problem and that I have my own issues to deal with. I’m tired of trying to talk to you because you refuse to listen. You only hear what you think you hear. I have begged and pleaded with you to listen that all I ask is to be included, to be informed, to not be lied to. I’m tired of being made out to be a bitch who has issues with your boyfriend – because that proves you are not listening. I have attempted to reach out to him, he has not returned the gesture. He has treated my sister horribly – I’m sure he has also been very nice to her, but I have also witnessed some of the cruelest treatment, whether you think it was justified or not is beside the point. The fact that you sat there and joined him in the remarks being made towards Laura was absolutely disgusting and proved to me that you are another further step away from the mother I have loved my entire life. I do not want to mourn my mother while she is still alive – I just want my mother back. You have said I am your rock – and maybe at one point I was – but right now I don’t even feel like your friend. We use to be able to talk on the phone for hours even if we had just done the same thing the night before. Now I might talk to you once a week. There have been nights when I’m home, that we use to spend together – yet now you opt to hang out with your boyfriend over your own child. Yah that probably does make me jealous – but how can you blame me when I feel like my mother is being stolen away from me.

I love you mom. I want you to be happy. I’m fine with you being in a relationship. I’m upset that it seems like you are altering who you are for a man, and then claiming that this is how you are truly happy. I’ve seen you happy before, so please don’t try to pull that one with me. I’m upset that you feel the need to lie. I’m upset that you are just going forth and doing what you want and not considering others in your family. Yes in the end it is your decision, but turning your back on your religion and family is against everything that you have ever stood for.

I miss you. I love you. Please come back.