superman where are you?

I've never need superman more.
Its 1:30am and I'm just having a moment.
For the Canadians at the Olympics its been a really good day for most - a bronze in women's speedskating, a bronze that became a silver in women's speedskating relay, a gold and a silver in women's bobsleigh, and the Cdn men beat Russia in hockey 7-3. That in and of itself is a successful day I'd say.
I am at the family home at the moment. My mom is working 3 night shifts in a row so I am home to be here for my sister. Tonight I've been doing some work for school and ended up coming across a document that was the prototype for my mom's wedding invitation. June 22nd. Sure that is still a few more months for me to prepare - but makes me sick that yet again my mother is keeping information. I keep thinking we are making break throughs, that things are getting better - then I get slapped pretty hard in the face with the truth and realize she's still lying and hiding information. With every single fibre of my body I'm sick and tired of this situation. I can honestly say I hate it. I actually wish my father was alive - just so I could avoid the childish and stupid situation that has and continues to surmount. This is absolutely bullocks and a load of crap.
I have been trying to hard lately to keep a positive attitude, to keep faith and hope alive.... and things, wonderful things seem to keep happening in the lives of my friends, and I'm so thrilled for them - but I just don't understand why I personally can't have some joy in my own life too. Im just so tired of fighting. Don't get me wrong I have been dealt a pretty good hand in life compared to most - I'm not an ungrateful crazy person..... but common I've gone through enough crap as well.... and if I haven't had at least my fair share of it already - then I'm sorry I won't survive much longer... I'm not strong enough.
Please don't tell me that I need to see a therapist or need to talk to someone. I'm tired of someone trying to "put things in perspective" and make me realize that I am the one to blame, that I make my life more difficult than it needs to be. I'm tired of being told I'm wrong. I'm tired of being told that I just have to deal and live with the way things turn out. It just makes me feel more guilty, more alone.
I like going to events my friends host... well I suppose lately thats just weddings and engagement parties - sure personally at times these events can be depressing because it reminds me how its not me, but I'm thrilled for my friends, couldn't be happier for them.... but I love the focus is on my friends and I get to put on a happy face and help them enjoy their day. I get to forget, for a few moments about how I'm really not enjoying my own life.
I have hope that things will get better.
I need to believe that happiness is just around the corner.
I'm just tired... so so tired... tired of the crap.