A letter a wrote to my mom but didn't give her.

Dear Mom,

You have taught me a lot in life and for that I am very thankful. For years I have always looked up to you, even after I passed you in height! You have always been an incredibly kind and caring individual. Sure you can throw the best guilt trips ever, but I only fall for them because I desperately do not want to disappoint you. I always want to do the best I can do in life so that you will be pleased with me and proud. I have always strived to be the best person I can be in life to show you that I am thankful for all you have done for me in life.

There have definitely been some difficult times throughout life but you have always been there through thick and thin. Your faith has also shown me that it is important to have faith, and that it will help pull you through some of the most difficult times in life.

Every night I say prayers before going to bed, this is a routine if you will, that you instilled in me since I was a little girl. Each night I pray to be a better person. I pray to be more like you. To be more compassionate, kind and caring. To be blessed with patience and love.

That is why it absolutely kills me to no longer say such a prayer any more at nighttime. Lately I feel that you have been very deceitful. You have lied to me on several occasions, even when I confronted you and gave you the opportunity to set the record straight. You have never been one to lie, so now to no longer know when you are actually telling the truth is a horrifying feeling. You tell me that you tell me the things that you think that you want me to hear. However, I have told you time and time again I just want to hear the truth. I am starting to think that you are just telling me the things that you actually wish you were saying.

I feel that over the last few weeks and months we have been losing you. I miss my mother. You are still the same physical body as my mother, but I feel your attentions and decisions are a completely different person, not the mother I have known for the last 28 years of my life. You promised me that you were not going to do anything stupid and that no matter what your children come first. Then you tell me that you are tired of living your life for your family because that is what you have done your entire life and it is now time that you start living your life for yourself. You told me that you realized you were caught up in a whirlwind of emotions and that you realized things were moving too fast and that you need to slow down and back the relationship up. The following week I learn you are working on plans to get married. You met with individuals from the Catholic Church and have come to realize that getting everything prepared may take more time than you realized – so you think an acceptable alternative is to go to a justice of the peace or the united church to “get the deed done”.

Mom, I want you to be happy. I am happy you have found an individual who you enjoy spending time with. You and dad always said when we were growing up that if one of you were to pass the other was to not feel guilty about moving forward and finding another individual to spend your time with. I do not feel that you getting remarried means you are replacing my father. I feel violated. I feel that you have been deceitful. I feel that you are turning your back on your religion and on your family.

You are inviting him into our family. This is in no way a bringing together of two families. This is absolutely him joining our family – and maybe in the future this would be totally acceptable and fine – but right now I feel like you are forcing things upon the rest of the family. Especially with Laura – this has not been entirely fair to her. I repeat, I want you to be happy, and you a grown woman who can make her own choices – but the fact remains you are a mother. You do already have a family – you cannot just turn your back on us. I refuse to believe what truly makes you happy in life is making your children horribly miserable. The mother I know would want to ensure that her children were ok with her decisions in addition to herself.

There are so many things that just do not fit with this whole situation. It should not be an ultimatum, it should not be a choice between me and my siblings and this other man. Love is suppose to bring people together, not separate them. Marriage is to bring a couple together, and their families – not create a new family while alienating one that already exists.

The family dynamic is destined to change. That’s ok. It changed when dad died. I changed when Leo got married. It will change when I one day hopefully get married. It was also change if/when you get remarried. That is totally acceptable. But it should not be a ruining change. I know that I have not been the most pleasant through this experience – and I have heard you when you say that it is my own problem and that I have my own issues to deal with. I’m tired of trying to talk to you because you refuse to listen. You only hear what you think you hear. I have begged and pleaded with you to listen that all I ask is to be included, to be informed, to not be lied to. I’m tired of being made out to be a bitch who has issues with your boyfriend – because that proves you are not listening. I have attempted to reach out to him, he has not returned the gesture. He has treated my sister horribly – I’m sure he has also been very nice to her, but I have also witnessed some of the cruelest treatment, whether you think it was justified or not is beside the point. The fact that you sat there and joined him in the remarks being made towards Laura was absolutely disgusting and proved to me that you are another further step away from the mother I have loved my entire life. I do not want to mourn my mother while she is still alive – I just want my mother back. You have said I am your rock – and maybe at one point I was – but right now I don’t even feel like your friend. We use to be able to talk on the phone for hours even if we had just done the same thing the night before. Now I might talk to you once a week. There have been nights when I’m home, that we use to spend together – yet now you opt to hang out with your boyfriend over your own child. Yah that probably does make me jealous – but how can you blame me when I feel like my mother is being stolen away from me.

I love you mom. I want you to be happy. I’m fine with you being in a relationship. I’m upset that it seems like you are altering who you are for a man, and then claiming that this is how you are truly happy. I’ve seen you happy before, so please don’t try to pull that one with me. I’m upset that you feel the need to lie. I’m upset that you are just going forth and doing what you want and not considering others in your family. Yes in the end it is your decision, but turning your back on your religion and family is against everything that you have ever stood for.

I miss you. I love you. Please come back.

Procrastination Blog! - Update

I should be writing my scholarship applications at the moment, especially since the due dates are definitely fast approaching!!!

But instead - I shall blog.

This weekend is looking like a happy weekend.... hopefully one in which I am able to be productive as well.

Friday marks the annual KGB (Kinesiology Graduate Board) golf tournament. Being an exec member I help run the event. After a day on the golf course (and thus a day out of the lab/office) we host a BBG & Kegger.

I have become privy to the information however that Maggie will be in town on Friday night at Kevin and his band will be playing at the good ole Spoke. I say the good ole Spoke and pretty much mean it. A few years ago the reconstructed the Spoke from a bar into a student lounge area. Although people were upset at this change at first, some maybe still, I didn't mind the lounge and spent some time there myself. However, over the summer the converted the Spoke BACK into a bar, complete with a new outdoor patio. Must be nice to have money just floating around. Anyway - Maggie's boyfriend's band will be playing there - and I look forward to attending that.

Hopefully John & Ashley, and Jen & Mark will be in town to go too! John & Ashley are planning on being in Toronto on the weekend, so they may have already taken off by then. Jen & Mark are actually coming to London for a wedding on Saturday - and maybe with the news of Maggie being in London on Friday night they will come Friday too!

Sharon & Rafa will be most notably absent from the festivities. Definitely have missed them a lot since they have journeyed up north to embark on new adventures.

I just really look forward to seeing some friends I do not get to see often. Its been a rough road lately so a few good laughs are always a good way to recoup.

Hopefully in the near future I will also get to see Aine and Lesley. There has been talk about going to Octoberfest on October 16th - so if anyone is interested let me know.

Additionally, with the pending vows between Jos & Barry I hope to be able to visit them in Ottawa!!!! (its been way overdue!).

I wouldn't mind also getting out to Halifax to see Danielle too.

In about 30 minutes I'm off to a recruitment session to inform undergraduates about the wonderland of grad school!!! Might be entertaining.

Especially considering this morning, there were.. ummm.... I believe 6 of us (I think 4 master students and 2 phd students) staring at labview (computer program), a function generator and an oscilloscope attempting to run a few trials that should take the average person (note, a person who knows exactly what they are doing) 17 minutes to do... we were there approximately 3 hours.

The hold up was definitely because we had a setting for one of the buttons on the oscilloscope wrong..... it was one of those "uh... duh.... oooohhh" moments. One that I could discuss further but I'll refrain from comments at this time.

On another note (I just heard some people cheering in the pool.. which is beside my office)... I am currently on three sports teams. I am on a city team for ultimate frisbee on Monday nights - so far we've played two games and won two games. I am on a school rec league for ultimate frisbee on Wednesday nights, also undefeated (first game is this Wednesday), and a school rec volleyball team on Sundays, in which we have had one opponent and we won! So definitely trying to be active, and trying to remember to take time away from other things in life and clear my head - it is definitely nice having winning records though. Hey Mark - see how many ultimate teams I'm on now - I'm working my way up to national champ status!! Ok - not going to happen.... but I am a 2 ranking now of 10... which is better than a 1!! Once I know a few more rules and tricks I move up yet another level! hahaha.

Hope everyone is well....

words to live by.

Its been awhile

I'm sorry

Life has definitely been full of a lot of curve balls lately.

The last few days have been interesting.

I won a Canada-wide award at a conference that was being held in Quebec based on written work and an oral presentation among graduate students - it was pretty exciting.

I also had my first publication with me as a first author! Totally exciting.

But I also got a review back for a project in which the reviewer told me that I need to learn how to write a sentence because I apparently have no clue.

What I have been trying to teach myself is how to dwell on the positive and not the negative - teaching myself how to let the bad stuff roll of your shoulder like water.

I just watched a commercial

It was featuring a baseball player and it was about how he had been cut from a team, and how he struck out many times.

The most important thing however was that he didn't walk away although he wanted too - he kept going back to the plate.

Words to live by.

The calm before the storm?

There have been wonderful things that have taken place since I last wrote.... for example...

Sharon finished Law School - bard and all!

Jos & Barry got ENGAGED!!!

Carissa & Jason got married.

I completed my training to be an occurrence investigator - which is extremely cool.

I started writing a book... I know right - me? a) like I have time and b) me... write?

I went to my first IMAX movie (it was Transformers II with Zahra!)

I was elected the CFO/VP Finance for Kin Council

Celebrated Canada Day at Sharon's with some friends present....

.....

But I suppose I do not often enough think to blog when happy things happen... but rather use this as a way to get thoughts out of my head and feel like I'm telling my friends (and I suppose a stranger or two) these thoughts so they know what is going on in my crazy head.

The next month is going to be..... stressful.

I have my comps in a month. So over the next month I have to study my butt off.

The sad thing is right before I write Sharon, with Talon and Wyatt (and eventually Rafa) will be leaving London to travel a distance.. and I don't mean they are moving to Toronto, I could handle that... I mean much further away - and the thought of that is full of mixed emotions. I'm excited that they are embarking on this opportunity - I'm just really sad it has to be so far away. They may as well be in Cuba! hahaha - except in Cuba if I got the opportunity to visit it would be much much warmer! haha.

Anyway - I'm stressed about these comps.

I keep being told that it is an exciting time... and granted fine - it is - a chance to learn material I otherwise would not get the opportunity to learn, its a month where I get to actually study - I will never be given that much time again.. etc.... I get all that - doesn't make the task any less daunting.

To make matters worse - I think it is setting in the fact that my dad.. is gone, and not coming back.

My mom has a "friend". She claims him only to be a friend - and I believe her - but you never know where things might go from here.

He, in less than a two week period, has met, well my mom, my sister, my aunt, my uncle, my grandmother!!! He apparently is a nice guy. I think that he will be a good friend for my mom to have - but because of other characteristics I suppose you could call them, I am hesitant to believe that it will turn out to be any more than that.

I had to tell my mom though last night that I am not willing to meet him until after my comps. Not to sound selfish - but I just cannot handle that right now.

I asked about my sister's response to meeting him and she said "mom, I think he is a really nice guy, but now I have to accept that dad is really gone and not coming back".... which killed me and made some realizations come to light for me.

I don't want to have to fight it all off - but I cannot lose it right now and deal with it all - I need to study - I'm already behind on my study schedule (which started yesterday).. and I cannot afford to fall any further behind (as I type a blog, not part of study schedule! hahaha).

I think this next month is going to be one of the hardest ones I've had to endure.

But I will survive and "be a better person for it".

I wanna be a toys-r-us kid

I don't want to write this.
I don't want people, my friends, to know what I am thinking because I feel like I'm being horribly selfish. The world doesn't revolve around me.... everyone has their own problems to deal with... and I just want to be positive and happy and look for the good things in life. People want to hang out with happy people - not the other way around.




A few weeks back Jen came to visit. I was so happy to see her. She makes me so proud. She is doing so much with her life and is such an incredible individual. I wish I could be more like her. The first night she was in town we actually went to a gathering for another friends birthday. To be honest I don't usually like going to this yearly event. Having Jen there, as well as Carly and Becky, I didn't feel so alienated - the best day was the following day. We decided to walk to Starbucks. Which turned into a walk to campus. Which turned into a 3 hour walk. I enjoyed it. We then went (via car) to four different grocery stores! One was the co-op where Ashley has been doing her thesis work - I've never been to co-op before, it was really interesting. Back at my apartment Jen and I then made dinner.... including these awesome cupcakes, and had a few other people over, John, Ashley, Carly, Carissa, and Jason. We ate, we drank (wine and BLENDER DRINKS!), and we played games - It was the nicest night I had had in some time.
Sadly Sharon could not attend. But thankfully not too long after she hosted a little event at her house. As it turns out - a lot of freaking people were born in the month of May!!!! Sharon also finished law school. Another friend who has fought the odds thrown at her in life, and has shown above all these odds. I am also very proud of Sharon and all that she does and has become. Sharon invited a bunch of people to the home of her and Rafa and their family - they hosted a scavenger hunt. I'll be honest I was reluctant to do this at first - but after two hours of running around a city I wasn't all that familiar with - it was fun and was an interesting adventure. Thanks Sharon! I hope everyone else had fun.
That was my first scavenger hunt. My second one was suppose to be over the long weekend with Jen in the St. Catherine's area. However, due to circumstances it didn't happen - well not this year at least.
Instead I got to hang out with Aine and Lesley for the long weekend!! Two more friends that have accomplished a lot so far in their lives and whom I am proud of. I have been so lucky to have such great friends in Jen, Sharon, Aine and Lesley!! It was decided that we, as well as Simone, were going to jump into Lesley's car, well we didn't literally jump - I personally stepped in one foot/leg at at a time.... and drove to Lake Placid NY. What a beautiful area. The main reason for going, other than just a weekend away, was to go white water rafting. I was so scared to do so - but it is definitely not as dangerous as I had originally imagined - in fact it is a ton of fun and I can't wait to have the opportunity to go again! We also went hiking, this one mountain - when we got to the submit - we were surrounded by ice and snow... in May! hahaha. Definitely cold. We also went mini-putting or putt-putt golf (goes by many names)... I really enjoy mini-putt.... my favourite time though was the afternoon after my thesis defense. My mom and Nana had come to watch my defense. I had learned the year prior that my Nana had never gone mini-putting more golfing before. So it was really important to me that we did so. I was awesome and my Nana was pretty freaking good~ although that is not too surprising if you know my Nana. Lake Placid NY was a really beautiful area - and I do reccommend it as a getaway locale if someone was looking for a place to go.


I really miss my friends. Don't get me wrong - I've made some awesome new friends in London - but Jen, Aine, Lesley and Sharon will always be really special to me and it kills me that I don't get to see them more often. We live in different cities, Sharon is about to move even further away!, and everyone has their own lives, jobs/school, new friends, family obligations, etc... I've stated before that I'm so proud of each and everyone of them.
But it sucks.
This is the selfish part.

I just feel so distant. I know that this is my fault. And I don't just meant he girls above - they are just the four that I wish I got to see every day - or talk to everyday.... not to offend other people in my lives - because there are a lot of people I miss.
... and feel distant from.

I have received some amazing compliments from academics lately - which is nice - the unfortunate part is that I so far dont' have funding for next year and that is stressing me out immensely - but at least I know that it makes sense that I'm trying to be an academic because if other academics recognize I have talent I must not be wasting my time.... or theirs.

I think right now that I just happen to be in a rut - and its times like these especially you wish you had your friends around. You also realize when you don't understand inside jokes that maybe you definitely don't see people as much as you would like. Or that if you don't call/text/email people it would be a long time before any contact. I could do better too though - I don't call/text/email as frequently as I should. It just sucks. I just miss being able to finish my friend's sentences, or them knowing what I'm thinking without my having to say anything, or just having them around and thus not feeling so distant or lonely.

But I am so lucky because I have some of the greatest friends in the world. I can't even explain how amazing they are - I just love them so much.... maybe too much... hahaha. I just miss them - and I think that when I moved from Windsor to London (thus 2+ hours closer) I just expected that I'd see them a lot more frequently - but then again we all do still have lives - I get busy too (many just school stuff)... but it happens - its no one's fault... I just hate growing up - but I love it at the same time because I just keep getting to see/hear about all the wonderful things my friends are doing! :D

Celebrate Life

If you are not single, recall moments in which you were.
Did you ever see an individual of the opposite sex and think - hmm - thats an interesting person... I wonder if one day we will end up dating, falling madly in love and getting married? I have. Doesn't usually go that way though - well at least the story has yet to be written. I have also become friends with several individuals that I never imagined I would - individuals who just seemed so cool and awesome that I thought there was no way they'd end up being my friend - but they have.

Have you ever said something - and had the best of all intentions upon the statement, and then ended up dreading those words? I haven't had that situation happen to me lot - and definitely not to any degree that left me full of guilt.

Thursday night was a really nice night. The air was warm, the sky was clear - spring was most definitely upon the citizens of the area - A local man in the small rural area where my mom now dwells has helped his parents run the local diner, and recently has taken it on as his own business. I have had many interactions with him and always thought he was really nice, hard working, a family man if you will (meaning family meant a lot to him although at the age of 30 he had yet to have his own). As I do not know many people in the area my mom dwells, he was one of the individuals that I had told myself that one day through our interactions maybe I'd see if he'd want to grab a beer or something. Thursday night he had hockey practice. He was discussing with the other cook at the restaurant if he should take his bike (motorcycle) or car to practice that night. She exclaimed that it was a beautiful night may as well get out and enjoy the bike.

I have thought to myself since his outing as to how this is possible. Every time Greg, my roommate, has gone to play hockey he has his huge bag of hockey stuff. I've carried it a time or two, ok, I carried his hockey sticks, he carried the bag, but nonetheless - its heavy - so there is no way you could have that on a bike - so I assume he was going with no equipment. That still makes me ponder.

Well... on this Thursday night at 11pm, someone ran a red light. The investigation is still open as to whether it was the lone female driver of a car, or my friend on the bike. I have never been a fan of motorcycles, but my friend Blake once took me for a ride, and I learned a lot and came to appreciate bikes in a different light. Unfortunately, the fact of the matter is - if you are involved in a motor vehicle accident - chances are if you are on a bike - its not going to go well for you. Friday morning, after being rushed to the hospital my friend passed away.

I know how it has upset my family. Each of us knowing him, and his parents, for we saw them every week, almost. I cannot even begin to imagine the grief his family and much closer friends are going through. I've been through grief before - I've had to say my goodbyes many times before, but I'm simply at a loss on this one.

The thing that makes me smile though. My friend Sharon is having people over at her house, there are actually probably people arriving there as I type (which means I know I should get off the computer and get my butt there, but there have been a few things I've needed to take care of today at my mothers, so I'm running a bit behind).... I have several friends who were born in May. The idea is to have a bunch of people together to just celebrate. To celebrate birthdays. To celebrate the fact that Sharon kicked law schools butt. To celebrate being with friends and family. To celebrate mother's day for all the mother's in the crowd. To celebrate life.

I have not enjoyed my birthday. It is typically not a joyous occasion for me - but if I have learned anything in the last two days with this tragic tragic incident - is that birthdays are not about the fact that we are one year older - and get older each year - its not about age, or a number.... its about celebrating life.

You do not need a birthday as an excuse to celebrate.... just if you get a chance... stop, smell the roses.... do a silly dance as if no one is watching.... tell someone a joke, even if its not that funny.... just breathe, smile, and celebrate life.

tired of being labelled the bitch

I should be studying and preparing for what may actually be my last two weeks as a student in coursework (I say may actually be, because it was recently suggested to me that I take some undergraduate courses... although I understood the reasoning for such a statement, I feel very uneasy about being the process of attaining my Ph.D. and enrolling in a undergraduate course, especially when often times I could be handed the textbook, be told to read it, and then teach the class.... hopefully I can just read the textbook!).....
I started to multi-task however.
There is a movie on t.v. tonight entitled "The 'R' word". It may actually be more of a documentary type viewing. My mom has to take my sister bowling tonight so she will not be home to view it and asked if I could do so for her. Of course I can!
The sometimes non-productive part about multi-tasking is that the focus that should be placed on the primary task, studying, becomes completely abandoned. This is what occurred moments a go.
So the movie on t.v. is about the difficulties some individuals and their families have faced when one has a disability.
Obviously, sometimes I can relate.

This weekend I was home. I took a shift at the bank on Friday - and ended up staying at my mom's longer than intended do to a horrible headache that had me seeing spots when I stood (therefore probably not a smart decision to drive).
My mom also happened to be working this weekend so in the end it was helpful to her that I stayed so that someone was around for my sister.
My sister probably was not even aware I was home as she spent almost every waking moment on the telephone. Meh - if that is what she wants to do, thats fine with me. I had a headache anyway and couldn't exactly convince her to get off the phone to go for a walk if I couldn't get off the couch myself.

The part about the relationship between me and my sister that truly bothers me - is that I get labelled as the bitch. I do. I honestly try to be a good person in life - but every time I go home I get reminded of just how horrible of a person I am.
I'd like to argue this point for a moment.
Although I don't disagree that the label I have been given as the "bitch of the family" is not uncalled for - I do not feel it is just.
My mom for years has told me about how she has just given up - how she has no fight left in her and it is just easier to give in because her fighting doesn't seem to make a difference any way.
One issue with my sister is her craftiness for lying.
I catch her in lies all the time.
I'll ask her if she just lied to me and she will swear she hasn't.
She learned that if she said "I'm not lying" that people backed off and believed her. Well that stopped working so now she's saying "I'm being honest" or "I'm telling the truth, why don't you believe me". She tried these on me this weekend, and I laughed calling her bullshit. I'll sit down with her and walk her through the steps... and by the last step she has admitted that the first one was a lie... "but she didn't mean to lie" <-- thats the newest she drafted this weekend!
Every time she gets caught though - she starts crying.
Which of course makes me feel like a horrible person - but wait a second - I am not the one that lied - and she lies about the silliest things - and I explain to her every time that I just need to know the information - if she just tells me the truth to begin with then she won't get in any trouble. Its not the information I get upset over, it is the fact that she lies. And every time she tells me she understands - and I know she does - she is a lot smarter than people give her credit for - and meknowing this and not putting up with her crap is what influences people thinking I'm such a bitch.
Anyway - so the part that bothers me - is that I shouldn't have to be labelled the bitch - but I feel like I'm actually the only person who gives a flying f$#k .. and as a result I am the bitch. My mom just gives up - unless I pretty much give my mom a lecture about how this is not acceptable behaviour for my sister.. and my mom then goes and talks with my sister.
WHY AM I THE PARENT?
Thats my issue.
I am the YOUNGEST in this family - yet have to always shoulder all the crap that goes on - and I get put down and ragged upon every step of the way. I'm the bitch. I'm the irresponsibly child who denies real life expectations by staying in school so I can "party more". I'm the greedy one. I'm the one with the attitude problem.
Maybe I am bitch. Maybe I do have an attitude problem. But maybe - just maybe I'm the only one who gives a damn to put up a fight for this family. I've been a told a few times that I'm the rock that holds things together in the family - but two seconds later get criticized for doing so.

I'm getting tired. I just want to be the sister, the daughter. I don't want to have to explain to my older sister why her actions are wrong. I don't want to be the one my sister is fearful of because I'm the only one who will discipline her - because she knows her tricks don't work on me.

I know my sisters time is limited - so why don't I get to enjoy time with her? When she passes I'm going to feel SO GUILTY that I didn't spend enough time being her sister. Every time I go home I keep this in mind - but it doesn't take long until she does something unacceptable and I try to let it slide - but then she just keeps pressing to see how much she can get away with.... and I just can't let her rule the world like that... and I get that I could totally be wrong and I should just let her go wild... because its harmless right? Unfortunately not everything she does is harmless...

And now I feel so guilty for wanting people to understand my position. I know that my sister has a ridiculously hard hand dealt to her in life - and I really have nothing to complain about in life - I have been so ridiculously blessed - but I have to tell you - I'm really tired.