You got me garlic toast? I can't accept this

so....

my birthday has passed..... but apparently that doesn't matter to some. haha.

Lesley visited briefly last week.  She brought a gift from her and Aine - I was able to give Lesley her gift too!!!  Anyway - because I've been trying to go to the gym more often than the past (which was hardly ever....) they thought it would provide me with some entertainment - the musical kind - so that I could possibly be more entertained and inspired/motivated to continue on - they were so generous that they got me an ipod shuffle - I just have such a hard time imagining that they would get me such a pricey gift!  Unknown to them - I actually already had an ipod nano - I got it free with my macbook!!!  I had considered getting an ipod shuffle though because I like that it can easily clip on to your clothes - and thus you don't have to carry it!!!  However, there are straps and stuff that you can buy for the pod nano - so they gave me the gift receipt and I may just trade it in for accessories or something.

Last night, Sharon, Rafa, Talon, Wyatt, John and Ashley came over to my apartment.  They brought pumpkins - it was fun cleaning them out and carving them.  Well - Talon wasn't exactly pleased that you have to clean out a pumpkin before carving it - he thought it was pretty gross - worthy of passing out or throwing up - I had no worries with that because I absolutely love cleaning out pumpkins!  Talon carved in a scary face.  Rafa... his carvings changed through out, it was an interesting process - but he ended up with a yankee doodle dandy pumpkin of sorts, John did a lovely Lion, and I - well - mine was also a process - I was going to do the moosehead moose - but realized the pumpkin wasn't the right shape - but I had started drawing with permanent marker - so I cut out what I had to decide hat I could transform it into from that point... well let me tell you - I think I have the most scary of scary pumpkin carvings one has ever seen!  Thats right folks - I carved a peacock into my pumpkin! hahaha

Before the pumpkin carving we filled out tummies with pizza - but we weren't allowed to eat the pizza until I opened a very unnecessary present.  I first read the card signed by everyone at the apartment - and from Jen - who - throughout the last few months in med school has remarkable learned how to make her hand writing look a lot like Sharons!  very strange! - anyway -.  A plot had been started to make me think that they had purchased for me yet another ipod.  My friends are so tricky!  It wasn't an ipod - it was something so much more than I deserve - and like garlic toast I'm having a hard time accepting it - well - I suppose now I have to because moments after it was out of its wrappings the present was taken, assembled, and used! hahaha.  I received my first digital camera!!!  The funny thing about the digital camera however is that tomorrow morning is my convocation - and for the successful completion of my masters degree my mother was purchasing for me a digital camera - however since the one already received had clearly been used - this meant that I had to tell my mother that although her present was greatly appreciated - it would now be well... a repeat.

The summary of this post - my friends are far too generous and definitely did not need to get me anything! haha - As I told Sharon and John last night - I was just going to ask Sharon to re-tune my guitar (which she did) and ask John if he'd look at my computer (which he's doing)... other than getting the chance to hang out with them... well thats the best present of all - I didn't need anything materialistic let alone something bloody expensive - same goes to Aine and Lesley too!!!

alone in a crowded room....

I really really want to write a happy blog.

I want to write about wonderful things and how just high on life I am.

I feel that any time I write about anything else its just depressing and well doesn't leave other people to even care.

I really thought that moving to London would provide me with an opportunity to be closer to some friends that weren't in the Windsor area.  I would no longer be living so far away - or in a city that other people didn't want to visit because they didn't understand the beauty of the area - thus even if I had to do all the traveling that I would at least be that much closer.  I've barely even seen Sharon and she pretty much lives up the road.  I think that in Windsor it was just easier to make the "distance" and valid excuse as the lack of interactions with people.  Sadly - even moving to London makes me realize that people are still busy.  Jen is off attempting to conquer med school.  Aine & Lesley are working.  Sharon has a brand new baby and a family - let alone school.  Maggie is still in school going after her Ph.D.  Janice - she of course had to move BACK to the Windsor area as I was leaving.  Daniela seems to always be at work - or sleeping because he next shift is a 48 hour or something.  Everyone is doing such great things - and I'm so proud of everyone - and they are all going along so beautifully.  This is not to say that I do not find myself keeping busy - I do have my list of things to get done - but thats what time management is about... getting work done in a good fashion so that you can socialize with people in other moments.

On another note - my brother gets married this weekend.  I didn't go out and buy a new dress - I'm just going to try and pull something out of my closet and hope that does the job.  I will either wear this same dress or the runner-up to my convocation next week and another wedding on the same day.

Other momentous occasions lately - well... my birthday.  I went to a comedy show, Gerry Dee.. he was so funny (you may have seen him on last comic standing)... the person I went with though had no idea that it was my birthday!  I let him know on the way to the show though.... then I played ultimate frisbee - and we won! woohoo  (I may have blogged about my bday already - so if you've already read it - you got to hear it again!).  Otherwise - its a Wednesday - people are busy so I didn't attempt to gather my friends together - and on the weekend I just assumed everyone would get together with their families for some turkey.

My mom had to work all weekend.... It seems that my mom always has to work on long weekends.  I didn't really feel like sitting in my apartment all weekend though - so I still went to my mom's anyway - which was probably a good thing because my sister otherwise would have been home alone and my mom feels so guilty when she is.  When chatting with a friend from Durham Region he told me that he wasn't doing anything for Thanksgiving (or his birthday which is three days after mine) so he came up and we hung out on Saturday.  He's a musician and works in a guitar store - so I probably shouldn't have been surprised - but still wasn't overly impressed as I'm sure he spent money... but he got me a new guitar!  I've been playing my brothers (which does need some fix-up work) so now I have my own!  Its blue.  Its pretty - very much a "girl"guitar... or at least I say so.

Anyway - I just wanted to say hello.  I have an exam tomorrow so I probably should study some.  Hope everyone is well.

the sun will come up tomorrow!!

Well I survived another one.

a birthday

a celebration of the day I came into the world... naked.

Well I made the claim today at frisbee that I actually came into the world wearing a full piece bathing suit - to which one of the guys on my team replied "oh yah - I came out in a full tux, top hat included".... lets all take a moment and bow down to the most impressive birth wear ever.

I usually hate my birthday.

growing up I'd get excited because - well thats what most kids did/do when it comes to their birthday.

the unfortunate part was that my birthday usually sucked and I'd be upset.

I also hated getting older - depressed beyond belief even at the young age of ten!

I haven't really changed - I still don't want my birthday to come - I don't want to get older - and I get depressed/upset when this time of year comes around.

I try to ignore my birthday and not tell anyone of it so that when nothing happens I can at least use the excuse - well no one knew any better.... that always feels better than someone forgetting or just not caring.

This year I received several facebook messages, a couple of phone calls, a few emails.  All much appreciated.  Especially when Jen informed me that I can't be upset about getting older because in all reality I only turned 3 years old today - ok 3 cubed.  I like that.

I actually went to a comedy show, Gerry Dee, he was on last comic standing.  It was a fantastic show!  I had a great time - and the person who took me didn't even know it was my birthday!!

Then I rushed to my ultimate frisbee game!  We finally won!  We won 8-2!  Yah us!

Earlier in the day my mom, nana, and sister came down - we went for lunch.  Then to Walmart.  My birthday gift was a book shelf to go with the lamp I received in advance of my birthday.  I know = its ok - breathe - a book shelf AND a lamp - for the same birthday!  WOW FREAKING NELLIE!!!  Almost as exciting as Disney Land!  or World - I don't ever remember which one is which!

But they were things I needed in my new apartment- so I'm content.

For an average day - it was pretty good.  I didn't get enough school work done - oh well.  there is always tomorrow right??

The point is - I survived yet another birthday (its now past midnight so I guess it is no longer my birthday).  I actually watched the clock as my birthday ticked away.  I actually found it quite sad.  I was sad to see my birthday go.  I didn't want it to come - but I didn't want it to go.  I didn't do anything exciting to actually celebrate it - I didn't sing myself happy birthday - I didn't blow out a candle, I actually didn't even rip the wrapping paper of a present - but it was an ok day.... I strangely feel a little bit empty.... so its an odd feeling at the moment... but... the sun will come up tomorrow

tick tock - time keeps going by.

The meaning of meaning.

We have Reality.  The Reality.

An individual has a reality of the Reality.

When an investigator uses that individual in a study they know have a reality of a reality.

Then.... through a rendering process eventually write it up into a publication.

Thus, the reader (X) of the publication then has a reality of the investigators reality of a individuals reality of The Reality.

Somewhere between The Reality and a reality is meaning.

However, if we can never truly come to understand The Reality can meaning ever be truly discovered?

That was a topic of discussion in class today.

Haven't figured out exactly how I'm going to relate this all back to biomechanics, a heavily based QUANTITATIVE field... but I'm sure I'll figure it out somehow! hahaha.

I didn't have a very productive day yesterday.  I woke up much after I originally turned my alarm clock off.  Was slow to getting settled and doing some work.  Then was going to go to the gym.  However after waiting an hour for a bus - I gave up.

I decided to do one of my exercise tapes.  Not even fully through the warm up section my roommate wanted my opinion on his outfit - he needed to know if it was acceptable for a Carrie Underwood concert... I was immediately jealous.  A year ago I got to go with Danielle to a Brad Paisley concert and enjoyed myself a ton - my roommate looked the part.  So then I offered to drive them (as opposed to him and his buddy taking a cab).  On my route home I stopped off at the grocery store for some chips and dip - clearly a healthy dinner - and obviously gave up on the working out aspect of my day.

got a little more work done.

talked with my mom on the phone about some things.

was not allowed to sleep as my roommate and friend returned and the friend definitely was an entertaining drunk who preferred to refer to me as Abdul - which I somewhat enjoyed as the only other nickname of sorts I've somewhat adapted is pvdubs.

Morning came all too soon.

Class, was entertaining.  then I did some quick work on my lectures (that I'm giving!) before a supervisor meeting - and now I'm moments away from another class.

Not looking forward to what tomorrow is.  Such a depressing day for me.  I think my mom is going to come to town for lunch though.  I don't have class... but going to start the day off at the gym with Carissa.  I really enjoy her - I think my non-uwo friends would too!  She's a cool cat (like Annie and Tycho! hahaha).

For now - wishing uwo had a "fall break"... I'm tired and need a moment to catch up on some non-class yet still academic work.... but with classes it just doesn't seem like it will happen.

Contemplating making my own bridesmaid dress for Jen's wedding - I liked the idea of everyone matching - but I don't think that is going to happen anymore and I can be a difficult individual to find a dress that fits - so I may make one - I've done it before so I know its a doable process - one that will turn out well not childlike - but I think I'm going to see if the girls in Canada even might want to get together at one point for a shopping adventure - or even Jen - but she's a busy lady - so maybe not feasible......

a life of carebears is so much more simple

My stomach is upset.
Not because I ate something I should not have - although I did just have a bowl of ice cream which is not exactly on the diet plan.
--> Side note - apparently I'm almost a perfect hourglass. There was a time in which I would have taken being described as an hourglass offensively. But my bust is ten different from my waist - which was unfortunately just slight over ten different from my hips... but still pretty cool - and maybe something to strive for? hahaha
Its upset with worry, frustration, and borderline anger.
This last month was really overwhelming.
I had no idea what to expect - but my word - nothing was really going to prepare me for everything.
I like Western. Its odd being back in London - but with the strike going on in Windsor - definitely helps in making me happy to be elsewhere. Makes me really miss people who lived in London with me the "first" time.
School has been overwhelming. I've already dropped a class. I don't do that. However I do feel better that I made the decision to move on. But school has been frustrating and overwhelming and even with that course being dropped I'm tired. Which is a bad thing because we are only one month in.
I thought I was doing better at learning to do things for myself. I decided I was playing volleyball - and I wouldn't miss my games - there was one day in which I was forced to miss some (because of school) but otherwise wouldn't let anything get in my way. And I enjoyed it - and missed it once it had finished. Now I have joined an Ultimate team. This is a sport I had yet to ever play. Although only two games in - I think I'm improving a lot! Apparently I'm wicked at defense - which is funny because in football I was always an offensive player.
Even still - I've definitely been trying to do things to ensure that other people are going to be happy - in life, on a special day, whatever... and in the end the only thing it is doing is stressing me out more - or putting in a lot of effort for really no reason. It is this that I think I need to learn to stop. If its not my life, if it is not my event - than who cares - that person or those people can figure it out themselves and if I get to join in for the ride - maybe thats the better care-free way to go about things - but lets be honest - I prefer doing things for other people! haha.
Then comes the roommate.
He's great. He's a great guy - but right now I'm ready to move out. He doesn't exactly know that - but thats because I haven't had a chance to talk with him - and thats not because I'm spending all my time at school - but rather because his girlfriend is always around (as she has apparently moved in with us) or he's entertaining people. I want to have a conversation with him just the two of us - no one else. That may never happen at the rate things are going now!
I'm not upset actually that his girlfriend pretty much lives with us or that he constantly has people over - what I would like is 1) if you are going to throw a party... please at least run the idea by me. 2) inform me maybe that people are coming over. 3) CLEAN THE HOUSE if you make a mess.
I really don't think that is too much to ask.
Chances are you say "hey do you mind if I have some people over" I'll say "go for it - and thanks for letting me know".
Even if you don't clean the house - at least say "hey thanks for cleaning up my mess and that of my guests - I really appreciate that".. and I'll say "yah, no worries".
Than again - maybe I'm off my rocker and living in a different world.
A really cute thing happened today.
I left London - thats not the cute part! haha... I went to work at the bank. One of my "regular" clients came in today and we were chatting because I hadn't seen her in a while and she starting telling me about her nephew (who she has mentioned a few times) and how she thinks that I'd be such a great girl for him! Now - I've already "met up" with a clients son before - and that did not go well - so I'm not overly intrigued by situations like these - but at the same time don't turn them away. Which leads me to a whole other situation.
I grew up being told a lot that no one could ever love me, or that I'd be single for my entire life. After awhile I believed them. My self esteem was shot. I've been working on it - but clearly still have a long way to go. I've thankfully made some good friends over the years though and one thing I've heard from a few is "don't settle". So how do you know when the person is "the one" and you aren't settling? How do you know that its ok to stop "looking" because there isn't anyone else better? How do you know you're not making a mistake? I guess I"ve just never been at that point or stage where you just know - and it all fits and it makes sense.
I'm also really.... well.... despressed maybe... because my birthday is coming up. I hate my birthday. HATE IT. Would rather go to the dentist hate it. Sometimes I get my hopes up about it - that I'll get to do something fun - and that never happens. The idea of it makes me upset as I sit here typing. I'm getting ready to head back to London and I noticed that on my laptop bag there was a card - its a birthday card from my mom.... its still a week to my birthday. She's working all thanksgiving weekend so I'll barely even get to see the one person alive still who helped give me life. The one person who I suppose should really get to celebrate my birthday. I hate getting older. I hate the way my birthday makes me feel.
All of this bundle up together - no wonder I'm pretty much a mess -
Maybe if I close my eyes I'll wake up and be three years old again....