What I want to do

I've only been on two trips - once to Antigua and once to Cancun.... both bautiful places - nice beaches, lots of culture... a world so completely different from that which I have grown up in.
Now - more than ever - I want to go to Europe. I want to see where my dad grew up. I want to see places he's been. I want to see and do a whole bunch of other things over there. I know I'll need at least a month to do so.... and it scares me to be away for a month - but I think this is something I have to do.
I've also decided to get a tattoo. I've always said I'd get one on my hip - but I think my first one instead is going to be one around my left ankle. I'm going to get my father's full name, the Netherlands flag, and his dates. Mom is so not going to like this idea...hahahha

Maybe we should just throw out the phone?

So we answered the phone tonight. I did to be exact. It was my aunt (dad's sister). Figured she was calling to check up on his, chit chat - no big deal.... oh so wrong - SO WRONG. Members of my family are on a plane at the moment heading over to Holland, as we have had yet another, yes another, death in the family. Seeing as I have never been to Holland I have never met this individual - but it has definitely taken others into another whirlwind. My aunt had just stopped medicating herself and starting to be able to deal with dad's death and is now medicating herself again! They think that he passed due to an aneurysm - which is what they now suspect my dad's death was due too... how odd --
I trying to think of all the deaths over the last eight months - and I'm starting to forget some - and well - that seems to me like I'm being insensitive by forgetting about someone (or more than one).... the idea of crawling into a cave for the remaining 4 months of 2006 in the hopes of keeping other people alive - is looking like such a great idea....
In other news - I made five dollars today. My mom and sister went to Snot Roh Mits (Tim Hortons) and my mom put five bucks in the ash tray - it fell...behind the console - I had to lay down in the van - unscrew the panels - pull back the carpet, hold the panel with my right hand as I stuck my left arm in and around things, which resulted in my head getting stuck under the gove compartment, my right boob getting smushed and stuck who knows where - and I couldn't reach the horn to try and get help - but I was trying do so with my right foot - and I couldn't call out for him because I was in the garage. But I managed to grab the $5 and wiggle out of the interesting situation I found myself in.... kept me distracted for a good ten minutes! Good job by me!

The "lost" relatives have been found!

I have an aunt and uncle who live in BC during the summer months and California during the winter months (must be nice eh?).
The first time my dad died (he was revived) was 21 years ago. My mom did not know what to do as she had my almost 8 year old sister, my 6 year old brother and 3 year old me. She showed up on my aunt and uncles door step in absolute tears (I don't recall any of this, so its hearsay to me). My siblings and I were to stay with them while my mom went back to the hospital. Well I guess my brother was just angry as HE double hockey sticks and was pounding the crap out of my mother for letting my dad die.... he always was considered the smart one in the family!
Anyhoo - my dad got better and we had 21 more years with him! Its better to lose a father at teh age of 24 then at the age of 3 I'm sure.
But my aunt and uncle whose house we were at that night/day... are the aunt and uncle we have not been able to get a hold of. People have been trying to contact them but to no avail. (Oh... they use to live in Whitby until maybe three years before we moved out???) Well we finally got a hold of them today. Apparently their was a flood in their California house - so they've been there (we tried that phone number too though...) but to no avail. Obviously they were not the happiest to hear such news - but we are glad to know that they are ok, that they now know - and that slow they too can overcome the grief.

August is not the month for dads

So I just found out that either this morning or yesterday a friend whom I knew from Western and part of the Off Campus Don team - her father has passed away. It was his wish not to have a funeral though. I am not sure if there will be a celebration of life though.
My mom and I just searched the house and couldn't find a sympathy card that wasn't written in!!! I'll have to buy one tomorrow - which is going to look odd when I buy it from the lady at the store because she'll wonder why of all people I'm buying the card. I hate cards. But I do like getting mail. I guess you can't have it both ways all the time.
Well I wish my friend Becky the strength to overcome this - I have yet to find mine - but I hope that her family and friends can come together and support her during this difficult time.
Everyone tell your parents you love them! You just don't know when they'll no longer be here.

Work should be a good distraction

So I just found out that I can access this site from work. I never tried before - so I guess I always could - just was never aware of this fact.
Its not fun being back at work. Well - it s a good distraction, but its been so slow that really its not much of a distraction at all. I'm not working at my usual branch at the moment though, most of the people here are nice, but there is one individual who drives me up the wall.
Suppose to go to Pat's house tomorrow after work. He's having a get together. Usually in such situations I would stay over at his house - but this time around I do not want to. Not sure yet if I'll drive back to Corunna, or if I'll stay in the London area elsewhere.
Had a very nice dream last night. Which usually means one thing - my future wedding.
My sister claims that she sees my dad sometimes. I'm not sure if she really does or if she just has an overactive imagination. But apparently it is not uncommon for people to see their deceased family members. At the moment I don't think I can handle that especially since I have not dealt with my dad dying in general! So I keep telling him not to show himself just yet - not until I'm ready.
Not looking forward to my future life events, because its not fun to think that I'm only 24, I'll probably live to lets say 84- thats 60 years I know have to live without my father here. Chances are though I'll live longer than the age of 84. Great. Oh well. We shall and I shall manage...

An observation

This will be a short post - I have lots of thoughts in my head that I could type but I just can't at the moment.
I was looking back at my past posts and realized in almost every single one I mention death or a funeral that I was about to go to or had just gone too....
So maybe I should change the name of my blog to "Who's funeral is is anyway?"

Superman was an orphan and so now am I!!

Having not come to terms with things yet largely has to do with the fact that there is so much to do we are kept busy. I enjoy this. Well I don't enjoy what I have to do - just the sense that I am kept busy and can avoid reality. As people left the house, leaving at the moment just my mom and myself, things became much more difficult - but we will make it through.
When doing some paperwork yesterday my brother comes up and says - Paula - you need to fill out this section. I assumed it was because my brother and I are the trustees on my mom's account and secondary on my dad's - but that was not a correct assumption. Rather there was a whole section I needed to fill out because I'm considered an orphan. Leo and Laura's ages do not put them in the same category. Being an orphan means the government is going to give me I suppose sympathy pay - like a baby bonus type thing until I'm no longer eligibile for orphan status. Hey a few extra bucks couldn't hurt!

I can't think of titles anymore!

I told myself I wasn't going to write anything on here about the current events in my life - as I thought it would be too hard to do so. Plus - I didn't want to look back and read about it one day. Yesterday was the visitation for my dad - and I thought that I was just going to be a horrible mess - especially seeing my father for the first time since he passed. But I was fine. I don't understand why I was fine - but I was. The funerals I've been to this year we always commented on how strong the family was - but yesterday I realized its really not a strength thing - its just a numb feeling and you don't believe its real and you just talk to people about whatever. The most random things come to mind that usually make you laugh - or somehow are an inside joke between you and someone. I haven't slept though - I just have been in a daze so it doesn't seem like I haven't - but if I hadn't been watching the clock and talking to my mom the whole night I would have assumed I slept because time goes by way too quickly. We have to close the casket this morning - and I think thats going to be the hardest for me. My mom doesn't says she's not going to remember the funeral service and doesn't want to go to the cemetry but supposes she has too! hahaha. My cousins are the paul bearers - and one of them, Paul - the last time he was one was for my Opa (grandfather)'s funeral... my dad's dad, and I was too young to understand funerals at that time. But apparently at the cemetry he fell into the grave hole thing -- I'm at a loss of the terminology! -- so we were joking about him falling in later today - so my mom's going to say "Don't fall in Paul".
So many other things I Could write - but I don't think I can bring myself to do so.... I pray today goes well - I suppose as best as can be expected - I hope I don't fall a part - I don't want to ruin my make-up! hahahaha... I'm more worried about getting through it then actually being there! I'm tempted to bring my carebear but I don't want to have to deal with my brother Leo for doing so! Oh well.
I knew one day I'd have to say goodbye - but I sure didn't think it would be so soon - we thought he had a good ten years left --- but I suppose its better this way because if he had lived his dementia would have overcome him most likely completely - and we all would have suffered. This was just his way of going before he left us mentally all together. And I'll finish this post with what he said to my mom but a few days ago "Its not that I'm afraid of dying, its that I'm afraid of living".

Last Wednesday my mom, dad, sister and I went to rodeo to celebrate my mothers birthday (which was two days later).... a year ago my mother bought herself a digital camera. This is a material object I myself hope one day to own... but for now I'll take the opportunities of using my mothers when I can... so I'm going to attempt to post some "rodeo" photos.

Sharon I took this photo just for you (and my grandmother who is also a Jack fan)

Every rodeo needs a clown!!!!!

Ride 'em COWBOY!!! YEEEHAAAWWW

We also saw some barrel horse racing!!!

This was the tractor zambonee that came out at half time to smooth out the sand!

The bulls were quite large up close!!!!

And now... for my pictures of the sky....

Just after sunset...

The following is my favourite and piece da resistance!

So I did meet people in the area yesterday - and I had a nice time. (thats the update there)
I got an email today from my professor - and it stated that our grades were now posted. Now I have been lacking some motivation lately - and although I didn't want to see a bad mark beside my name I figured a mark slightly less than what I would hope could possibly kick my butt into panic mode - and after calming down I'd be able to focus and work.
So - I opened the file and looked for my student number - but I couldn't find it --- but what would have helped is if I wasn't looking for my Western student ID number when the course took place at Windsor. Clearly I'm not that bright! I was so nervous though to see this mark - I just was hoping for an A (86%-93%) or an A- (80%-86%) or something like that of a breakdown - because then it would give me a fighting chance to do ok on my exam and still fall in the A or A- category and thus possibly be eligible for a fall tuition scholarship. My heart was beating so fast when I actually found my number - but I had to go and grab my student card to make sure I had made a positive id. Well I had. And to my complete and utter surprise I saw that out of a possible 66.67 marks (exam being worth 33.33) I had a total of 66.10 It also happen to be the highest mark in the class. I was complete beside myself. I have worked hard in this class but I'm not completely convinced that I deserve that high of a mark at this point in time. For example I got something around 98% on my lecture I gave - but in my mind I screwed it up! But apparently I did not.
So yeah me! As long as I pass the exam (which you have to do to even pass the course) I should be able to pull off that A... which means I can apply for a scholarship! So hopefully that works out well.
I'm not telling you this because I want you to write in the comments section - way to go, we always knew you were smart --- I don't want any of that at all - I'm just telling you because I was excited - and certain people (cough - Sharon - cough) state they want to know whats going on in my life --- well thats my news so far today.
I'm about to go grocery shopping with my mom - because my cousin Anne is going to be coming to my place in Windsor for a few days as she'll be in town teaching a drama and singing seminar at the university. So I hope this goes well - she's very nice, and talented! but she grew up in Florida and is several years older than I am - so I did not interact with her much growing up - but I'm looking forward to it!

Does Superman require motivation?

Really disappointed in myself at the moment. I wanted to get up early and work on some stuff for school - but instead of turning off my alarm and getting up - I went back to sleep. It was almost afternoon by the time I was brought back to reality with a startle. No idea what was startling - so don't ask! haha.
I not only have to try and finish writing a manuscript that I no longer have the interest in writing since I no longer get to bring it to Banff - but I also have a take home exam that I need to sit down and write. But I find myself much more inclined to sit on the couch here at my parents and watch whatever mindless television show or movie that appears - sending me into a trance-like state.
I have also been conversing with the son of the lady from work. We were going to meet up today. When I awoke late into the morning - I checked my email and saw he contacted me. IT stated that the gathering at his buddies place was to happen at about 1pm....that will be in two minutes from the moment I type this sentence - oops one. I called but got to answer so left a message ---- maybe its a sign I should go get my butt in gear and do some work for school...in the famous words of Piglet "oh bother..."

and it continues...

I've already typed a post today but for some reason the actual posting of it did not work - so I'm going to try and recall what I already wrote and write it again!
I received news from my aunt today that seems to be along the theme of 2006! My dad's Uncle Ludwig passed away. I never had the opportunity to meet him as he lives in Germany, but I have heard many stories about him throughout my life. Uncle Ludwig is not only my dad's uncle but also his godfather, and my dad is his namesake~ we aren't able to go to the funeral either, but hopefully it is a nice tribute.
I really hope that I get to go to Holland, Germany, and thus Europe one day - in the not-so-distant future. I have only been on two trips in my life, Antigua and Mexico. I really enjoyed the beauty of Antigua. We were so lucky to be there for ten days and experience both the tourist things, but the island things as well since we knew people living there. It was definitely an experience I'll never forget. Cancun was also very nice, but not as beautiful as Antigua. We got to do all tourist things there, and I stayed in my first Resort which was incredible! My favourite day in Mexico was when we went to Xel-ha and the Tulum Ruins. If I were to go on another trip in the near future (assuming money available) it would probably eb to another beach/island location. I enjoy these types of places, but at the same time I would like to go to Europe - but thats more costly. One day though...one day.

and it continues

I received news today that my dad's Uncle Ludwig passed away. I never had the opportunity to travel and meet Uncle Ludwig but I have heard many stories about him. He was not only my dad's uncle, but also his godfather, and my dad was his namesake. Since he is still in Germany we won't be travelling to the funeral. One day I hope to make it to Holland, Germany, and Europe for that matter. I have only been on two trips in my life; Antigua and Cancun, Mexico. I really enjoyed the island of Antigua. It was so beautiful and I really enjoyed being able to see how the citizens lived. We were fortunate to be able to experience both the tourist things and the islanders things - helps when you know people that live there. Cancun was also very nice, not as beautiful as Antigua thought in my mind. But Cancun had other things to offer - and we clearly did more tourist things. I really enjoyed the day we went to Xel-ha and Tulum Ruins. I think that was my favourite day!!! And even if I were to go on another trip I'm sure it would be to another island-beach type place... which is great...but I also hope to see other places too like Europe - but that of course is typically more expensive - and being a student, money is not something I always have. I'm good with money I think - there are definitely things I should go out and buy - but I'm stingy and don't...hahahaha.