I belong in a crazy house! hahaha

I'm not going to pretend to know what happens after we die. I've been raised to believe that there is a heaven - but I don't really know. For all I know if you are buried in the ground - you slowly physiologically break down and I guess become part of the ground....well actually that is what happens.. haha - but I suppose I mean more the spiritual aspect of things.
I know some of you aren't religious - and to be honest with you - you may think this is a stupid post - one full of nonsense - but I don't care, no offense, but I don't. I don't write this for you. I don't write this for anyone but myself.
I've been slowly "falling apart" lately. Maybe its just all the change and stress I've gone through in the last few months that I'm just so overwhelmed...that things were bound to start surfacing.
Whenever I'm stressed with school, or trying to figure some aspect of my life, my mom always tells me to talk to my dad and ask him to help me out.
I use to laugh at first and tell my mom that maybe my dad is too busy chatting with all the other people that have died that we've known that he just hasn't had time to look back down after us. Or maybe my mom, sister, and brother have just needed him so much more and he just figured I would survive on my own.
But lately I've been wondering if he's mad at me. Sounds silly right? But growing up there were times when I hated that man. I wished him to leave me alone. I told my mom to leave him and get a divorce. I prayed/wished for him to die. Yah well - I guess several years later - when my dad and I finally started getting to know each other and things were better than when I was younger - I got what I had wished for. And maybe he now knows of these thoughts - which I'm sure many teenagers have thought in their day about their parents - and he doesn't want to help me.
Or maybe I'm beyond help. I'm tired, I'm scared, I'm lonely, and I'm sad. Those are horrible things for me to say because I have a life that so many other people would do anything for, and instead of that making want to live my life than for everything that its worth - it just makes me feel worse.
My advisor told me that I am not allowed to do any academic work over the holidays (which begins in a few short days for me!)... sit to relax - hahaha - I told my mom that and she remarked "well he doesn't know you very well now does he?... you don't know how to relax... and if you don't have work to do you're going to crash and be so sick...." that would be bad because Jen gets married over the holidays - and I'm not missing that because I'm laying in some hospital bed. No sir.

I'm sorry - I didn't mean to sound crazy. I know I do though. hahaha - I'm writing a huge paper right now - its due tomorrow.... and I've written final exams - so I'm just overtired I think... and needing some fun... actual fun, real fun.... fun that just makes you laugh and smile.