I can mean...

I'm typically a nice person. But even I wouldn't want to get on my bad side.
I currently live in a seven bedroom house that I suppose is separated into a section of 4 and a section of 3. The 4 of us are girls. One has become a good friend of mine - but is moving out soon to move in with her boyfriend who was my first friend in Windsor... whom I also introduced to his last girlfriend.... but he never calls or messages me to do things anymore - and only comes to the house to see my roommate - even walks straight to her room. Kinda sucks. My roommate even seems to be finding less time to hang out as friends. The roommate on the same level as her is ok - can be annoying - but definitely has come a long way in the last year with her abilities to live with other people effectively. The one that lives on the same floor as me --- she's lucky I think that I don't beat her with one of the many forks she is suspected of stealing from us.
There are three boys upstairs... they seemed normal when I was first showing them the place. I personally haven't had any issues with them - but apparently they are really noisey at horrible hours of the day/night/morning - and the other three girls can't sleep or whatever... my room just happens to be in a good location to not be bothered by the noise. The boys are one of the many reasons why the one roommate is moving out.... Also - because two of them happen to be nursing students - I didn't want to get involved because I wanted them to participate in the research for my thesis. Well they haven't. And my one roommate has been complaining a lot lately about the boys. So tonight I showed her an interesting "little known" fact about the house. The circuits/fuses are in our section. You see, when they are loud she goes and knocks on their door to ask them to be quiet. They now no longer answer the knocks. She's called the landlord - he's not much help. So I have taught her now how to turn off their power should they be bothering her. Oops. Next time participate in my research BIATCHES!
See - I can be mean... but I prefer to be nice.

vent...

I'm really frustrated right now.
I was suppose be done my thesis come xmas - and of course with my luck that is just not happening.
Its frustrating because its not even my fault - nor is there anything I can do about it.
The hospital is still closed due to a virus outbreak - which I can deal with.
What I'm having troubles understanding is the incredible lack of attendance with the students. Approximately only 1/3 of the students enrolled in the classes are showing up.
Than on top of that the apathy towards doing the survey is brutal.
One year of students has over 200 students.... I got 13 surveys.... yop 13.
To make matters worse - some didn't even fill out the survey completely - so of course that results in incomplete data.
I'm already losing sleep over other things in life and this is definitely not helping matters.....

Sharon I know you don't like the obits - but tough luck on this one...

"You don't notice the dead leaving when they really choose to leave you. You're not meant to. At most your feel them as a whisper or the wave of a whisper undulating down. I would compare it to a woman in the back of a lecture hall or theater whom no one notices until she slips out..."

My sister when my dad first passed said she could see him in her room.
Part of me wanted this so desparately too.
I didn't know if I believed it was possible or even true...
But I was also scared.. and still am - that the possibility may actually exist.

I don't know what I believe at the moment about what happens after you die.
I've been brought up to believe that there is a heaven - and I like to think that there is - but I don't really know what that means.

I do at times talk (usually in my head and not outloud) to people I've known in my life who have passed.... but I don't know if they can actually hear. I don't know if they actually watch over us, their loved ones, still on earth.

But I do hope - that if the dead can be around you - I hope that my dad hasn't left me yet - because I'm not ready....I'm not ready to say goodbye because I still need my dad.

So I hope he's still around... as much around as a dead person can be.

avoidance.

I haven't posted a blog recently - and this is not due to the fact that nothing has occurred in my life - some very interesting things have happened.

I have not written because I did not understand my thoughts. I'm still at a standstill with them currently.

How can someone not understand their own thoughts? Clearly I'm thinking, and they are my thoughts, and thus through the innate connection should I not automatically understand my very own thoughts? Well.... no. It wasn't until tonight that I did have some clarity as to why the answer is no - yet not enough clarity to finally understand my thoughts.

My thoughts are not jumbled - at least I do not think that they are.
And I recognize that they are my thoughts - so its not due to lack of recognition.

But rather its due to my thoughts being in a completely different language than what I have learned to comprehend.

I feel like my thoughts are a mime stuck in a glass/invisible box - pounding at the walls to be heard - yet no escape. I'm the person standing on the sidewalk in awe as I watch the battle the mime, or my thoughts, are having within this box that apparently is creating boundaries - yet I cannot see.

So my thoughts are there.
I recognize them as my own.
I sense them, I not only think them but I can hear myself saying them and somewhat I guess I can see my thoughts.... I just don't understand them.

I have also come to the realization of why I enjoy reading.
Some books I like to read because they are non-fiction and thus I get to learn knowledge that I did not previously hold... or at least had temporarily forgotten.
Its the books that I read though that tell a story.
I like to get lost in the story thats being told. I never think that its me in the story - at least I don't think that I do. The good books are the ones where I feel that I can at least relate to one of the characters for one reason or another.
I really just like getting lost in THEIR story.
I get sad when the last page is read - I don't want it to be left up to my imagination what happens next - I rather stay lost.
Which is probably why I then turn to the next book and begin getting lost in a new story.
The current book I'm reading though I'm having a very hard time reading. Jen gave it to me to read. She read it and liked it and thought I would too. Its called "The Lovely Bones". Its about a girl who is murdered and her heaven and the lives of her family as she watches them from her heaven. I'm reading this book much more slowly than I have others. I wasn't ready to read this book, to hear this story. Its a book I think I would have 2 years ago, right now I'm almost completely emotionless about it - I do not like it but I do not dislike it - I'm sure I have an opinion - but its like my thoughts - my opinion is in a different language and I'm not letting myself know what it is - its like its being locked in a box for my own protection maybe. I'm still not ready - but I read it anyway.... I'm nearing the end and I don't want to near the end - somewhat because of reasons I've previously explained - I'm lost in the story of the lives being told.... but also because I'm fearful about the ending of this one - I'm not ready....but I'll keep reading.