avoidance.

I haven't posted a blog recently - and this is not due to the fact that nothing has occurred in my life - some very interesting things have happened.

I have not written because I did not understand my thoughts. I'm still at a standstill with them currently.

How can someone not understand their own thoughts? Clearly I'm thinking, and they are my thoughts, and thus through the innate connection should I not automatically understand my very own thoughts? Well.... no. It wasn't until tonight that I did have some clarity as to why the answer is no - yet not enough clarity to finally understand my thoughts.

My thoughts are not jumbled - at least I do not think that they are.
And I recognize that they are my thoughts - so its not due to lack of recognition.

But rather its due to my thoughts being in a completely different language than what I have learned to comprehend.

I feel like my thoughts are a mime stuck in a glass/invisible box - pounding at the walls to be heard - yet no escape. I'm the person standing on the sidewalk in awe as I watch the battle the mime, or my thoughts, are having within this box that apparently is creating boundaries - yet I cannot see.

So my thoughts are there.
I recognize them as my own.
I sense them, I not only think them but I can hear myself saying them and somewhat I guess I can see my thoughts.... I just don't understand them.

I have also come to the realization of why I enjoy reading.
Some books I like to read because they are non-fiction and thus I get to learn knowledge that I did not previously hold... or at least had temporarily forgotten.
Its the books that I read though that tell a story.
I like to get lost in the story thats being told. I never think that its me in the story - at least I don't think that I do. The good books are the ones where I feel that I can at least relate to one of the characters for one reason or another.
I really just like getting lost in THEIR story.
I get sad when the last page is read - I don't want it to be left up to my imagination what happens next - I rather stay lost.
Which is probably why I then turn to the next book and begin getting lost in a new story.
The current book I'm reading though I'm having a very hard time reading. Jen gave it to me to read. She read it and liked it and thought I would too. Its called "The Lovely Bones". Its about a girl who is murdered and her heaven and the lives of her family as she watches them from her heaven. I'm reading this book much more slowly than I have others. I wasn't ready to read this book, to hear this story. Its a book I think I would have 2 years ago, right now I'm almost completely emotionless about it - I do not like it but I do not dislike it - I'm sure I have an opinion - but its like my thoughts - my opinion is in a different language and I'm not letting myself know what it is - its like its being locked in a box for my own protection maybe. I'm still not ready - but I read it anyway.... I'm nearing the end and I don't want to near the end - somewhat because of reasons I've previously explained - I'm lost in the story of the lives being told.... but also because I'm fearful about the ending of this one - I'm not ready....but I'll keep reading.