I wanna be a toys-r-us kid

I don't want to write this.
I don't want people, my friends, to know what I am thinking because I feel like I'm being horribly selfish. The world doesn't revolve around me.... everyone has their own problems to deal with... and I just want to be positive and happy and look for the good things in life. People want to hang out with happy people - not the other way around.




A few weeks back Jen came to visit. I was so happy to see her. She makes me so proud. She is doing so much with her life and is such an incredible individual. I wish I could be more like her. The first night she was in town we actually went to a gathering for another friends birthday. To be honest I don't usually like going to this yearly event. Having Jen there, as well as Carly and Becky, I didn't feel so alienated - the best day was the following day. We decided to walk to Starbucks. Which turned into a walk to campus. Which turned into a 3 hour walk. I enjoyed it. We then went (via car) to four different grocery stores! One was the co-op where Ashley has been doing her thesis work - I've never been to co-op before, it was really interesting. Back at my apartment Jen and I then made dinner.... including these awesome cupcakes, and had a few other people over, John, Ashley, Carly, Carissa, and Jason. We ate, we drank (wine and BLENDER DRINKS!), and we played games - It was the nicest night I had had in some time.
Sadly Sharon could not attend. But thankfully not too long after she hosted a little event at her house. As it turns out - a lot of freaking people were born in the month of May!!!! Sharon also finished law school. Another friend who has fought the odds thrown at her in life, and has shown above all these odds. I am also very proud of Sharon and all that she does and has become. Sharon invited a bunch of people to the home of her and Rafa and their family - they hosted a scavenger hunt. I'll be honest I was reluctant to do this at first - but after two hours of running around a city I wasn't all that familiar with - it was fun and was an interesting adventure. Thanks Sharon! I hope everyone else had fun.
That was my first scavenger hunt. My second one was suppose to be over the long weekend with Jen in the St. Catherine's area. However, due to circumstances it didn't happen - well not this year at least.
Instead I got to hang out with Aine and Lesley for the long weekend!! Two more friends that have accomplished a lot so far in their lives and whom I am proud of. I have been so lucky to have such great friends in Jen, Sharon, Aine and Lesley!! It was decided that we, as well as Simone, were going to jump into Lesley's car, well we didn't literally jump - I personally stepped in one foot/leg at at a time.... and drove to Lake Placid NY. What a beautiful area. The main reason for going, other than just a weekend away, was to go white water rafting. I was so scared to do so - but it is definitely not as dangerous as I had originally imagined - in fact it is a ton of fun and I can't wait to have the opportunity to go again! We also went hiking, this one mountain - when we got to the submit - we were surrounded by ice and snow... in May! hahaha. Definitely cold. We also went mini-putting or putt-putt golf (goes by many names)... I really enjoy mini-putt.... my favourite time though was the afternoon after my thesis defense. My mom and Nana had come to watch my defense. I had learned the year prior that my Nana had never gone mini-putting more golfing before. So it was really important to me that we did so. I was awesome and my Nana was pretty freaking good~ although that is not too surprising if you know my Nana. Lake Placid NY was a really beautiful area - and I do reccommend it as a getaway locale if someone was looking for a place to go.


I really miss my friends. Don't get me wrong - I've made some awesome new friends in London - but Jen, Aine, Lesley and Sharon will always be really special to me and it kills me that I don't get to see them more often. We live in different cities, Sharon is about to move even further away!, and everyone has their own lives, jobs/school, new friends, family obligations, etc... I've stated before that I'm so proud of each and everyone of them.
But it sucks.
This is the selfish part.

I just feel so distant. I know that this is my fault. And I don't just meant he girls above - they are just the four that I wish I got to see every day - or talk to everyday.... not to offend other people in my lives - because there are a lot of people I miss.
... and feel distant from.

I have received some amazing compliments from academics lately - which is nice - the unfortunate part is that I so far dont' have funding for next year and that is stressing me out immensely - but at least I know that it makes sense that I'm trying to be an academic because if other academics recognize I have talent I must not be wasting my time.... or theirs.

I think right now that I just happen to be in a rut - and its times like these especially you wish you had your friends around. You also realize when you don't understand inside jokes that maybe you definitely don't see people as much as you would like. Or that if you don't call/text/email people it would be a long time before any contact. I could do better too though - I don't call/text/email as frequently as I should. It just sucks. I just miss being able to finish my friend's sentences, or them knowing what I'm thinking without my having to say anything, or just having them around and thus not feeling so distant or lonely.

But I am so lucky because I have some of the greatest friends in the world. I can't even explain how amazing they are - I just love them so much.... maybe too much... hahaha. I just miss them - and I think that when I moved from Windsor to London (thus 2+ hours closer) I just expected that I'd see them a lot more frequently - but then again we all do still have lives - I get busy too (many just school stuff)... but it happens - its no one's fault... I just hate growing up - but I love it at the same time because I just keep getting to see/hear about all the wonderful things my friends are doing! :D

Celebrate Life

If you are not single, recall moments in which you were.
Did you ever see an individual of the opposite sex and think - hmm - thats an interesting person... I wonder if one day we will end up dating, falling madly in love and getting married? I have. Doesn't usually go that way though - well at least the story has yet to be written. I have also become friends with several individuals that I never imagined I would - individuals who just seemed so cool and awesome that I thought there was no way they'd end up being my friend - but they have.

Have you ever said something - and had the best of all intentions upon the statement, and then ended up dreading those words? I haven't had that situation happen to me lot - and definitely not to any degree that left me full of guilt.

Thursday night was a really nice night. The air was warm, the sky was clear - spring was most definitely upon the citizens of the area - A local man in the small rural area where my mom now dwells has helped his parents run the local diner, and recently has taken it on as his own business. I have had many interactions with him and always thought he was really nice, hard working, a family man if you will (meaning family meant a lot to him although at the age of 30 he had yet to have his own). As I do not know many people in the area my mom dwells, he was one of the individuals that I had told myself that one day through our interactions maybe I'd see if he'd want to grab a beer or something. Thursday night he had hockey practice. He was discussing with the other cook at the restaurant if he should take his bike (motorcycle) or car to practice that night. She exclaimed that it was a beautiful night may as well get out and enjoy the bike.

I have thought to myself since his outing as to how this is possible. Every time Greg, my roommate, has gone to play hockey he has his huge bag of hockey stuff. I've carried it a time or two, ok, I carried his hockey sticks, he carried the bag, but nonetheless - its heavy - so there is no way you could have that on a bike - so I assume he was going with no equipment. That still makes me ponder.

Well... on this Thursday night at 11pm, someone ran a red light. The investigation is still open as to whether it was the lone female driver of a car, or my friend on the bike. I have never been a fan of motorcycles, but my friend Blake once took me for a ride, and I learned a lot and came to appreciate bikes in a different light. Unfortunately, the fact of the matter is - if you are involved in a motor vehicle accident - chances are if you are on a bike - its not going to go well for you. Friday morning, after being rushed to the hospital my friend passed away.

I know how it has upset my family. Each of us knowing him, and his parents, for we saw them every week, almost. I cannot even begin to imagine the grief his family and much closer friends are going through. I've been through grief before - I've had to say my goodbyes many times before, but I'm simply at a loss on this one.

The thing that makes me smile though. My friend Sharon is having people over at her house, there are actually probably people arriving there as I type (which means I know I should get off the computer and get my butt there, but there have been a few things I've needed to take care of today at my mothers, so I'm running a bit behind).... I have several friends who were born in May. The idea is to have a bunch of people together to just celebrate. To celebrate birthdays. To celebrate the fact that Sharon kicked law schools butt. To celebrate being with friends and family. To celebrate mother's day for all the mother's in the crowd. To celebrate life.

I have not enjoyed my birthday. It is typically not a joyous occasion for me - but if I have learned anything in the last two days with this tragic tragic incident - is that birthdays are not about the fact that we are one year older - and get older each year - its not about age, or a number.... its about celebrating life.

You do not need a birthday as an excuse to celebrate.... just if you get a chance... stop, smell the roses.... do a silly dance as if no one is watching.... tell someone a joke, even if its not that funny.... just breathe, smile, and celebrate life.