Happy Monday!

Its Monday.

Its a New Day.

Its a Fresh Start!

frustrated with myself

I hate soul searching.

hahaha.

I am just not a fan of change - but I do understand that some change is good.

This has been a truly difficult summer for me.

Unfortunately I've learned a lot about myself. Well, it shouldn't really be considered unfortunate, and it isn't really, but it just kind of sucks during the process.

I've learned I am a good person. But I don't have much of a spine.

If someone were to punch me in the face. I would get upset. But in expressing my anger or frustration to the puncher, I the punchee, would somehow manage to end up apologizing to the puncher for doing something to make them upset enough to want to punch me.

Yah doesn't make much sense eh?

Still having boy issues - and I want to walk away, I need to walk away. I thought I was doing a good job of it. There had been no communication for two weeks. I was regrouping. Then he contacted me. Asking if I would ever talk to him again or if he was just another lost cause, just another loser. That day I didn't have time to talk so the next day I asked him what his story was. He replied, no stories just romper room reruns..... ????? I was confused. Apparently it was a joke - which is fine - but it went right over my head - but then I got accused of losing my sense of humor. Whatever. Anyway - due to being busy he claimed he'd call later. He did. I was in bed. So although I was busy the next day I thought we left it with him contacting me on his lunch. During the afternoon that day I asked if he skipped his lunch break - apparently he didn't he just didn't contact me because he thought I was busy. I replied that I thought we had left it with him contacting me anyway - but oh well no big deal. He then replied that he doesn't want to fight or bicker with me, that he apparently can't seem to do anything right and that this is all just too hard.

???? What?

I wasn't picking a fight... nor trying to bicker. I wrote him that and said maybe tone or something is being lost in the text. He didn't reply.

I have stupidly called, because I'd like to try to have a normal conversation. He doesn't answer.

This is just stupid.

Are there any normal people out there? Because this is too frustrating. I needed to walk away - he came back (again).. I didn't want to get together with him, but I did want to talk, which I do have my reasons for but am not going to type here, and yet it still gets turned around on me. I didn't do anything. I didn't go mia. I wasn't the one treating someone like crap. I don't deserve this. Yet, I am the one hurt ....again.

this time I'm pretty sure that I'm just upset with myself. I don't know what is wrong with me.

it is not a life to find, it is a life to be created

I feel like a lonely lost puppy.

You know - the one that no one buys at the pet store or the one that gets over looked at the shelter, longing to be adopted.

Its not a bad thing though.

Ok, maybe it is.

The boy is mia. He came back and then disappeared again. Upon his return I had told myself to tread lightly. Good thing too because he did disappear again. Why? I don't know. Maybe he is going through a lot and just pushes people away. Maybe he is a drug dealer and got caught and is serving some time in jail. Maybe he is sick and no one thought to contact me. Maybe his whole interest in me was actually just some kind of cruel joke. Regardless, I don't deserve the treatment as of late, and should not, and will not put up with it. I don't know why it has hurt me so much - I'm use to being the one who "runs away"... so why can't I just throw my hands up this time and walk away? I think that I tried really hard this time to "overlook" the red flags and focus on the things I really did like. Although this time wasn't successful, it shouldn't mean that I give up or lose hope - it just means this time Mr. Barker, the price wasn't right.

Another thing I have pondered as of late is that I think ever since I was a young girl I have always believed, whether I contrived the idea myself or somehow picked it up from others, that happiness is being married and having kids (as in children, not young goats). I know that isn't true. Sure there is happiness that can be gained from sharing your life with a significant other, and having children - but it definitely comes with its own set of complications and heart aches. So I hope that deep down I haven't convinced myself that finding the "right guy" means I'll "finally" be happy in life - because thats a bowl of mashed potatoes without any butter (I have no idea where that statement came from! hahaha). Its also funny lately, because with the hurt I've felt, and the loneliness I've been experiencing I've been asking myself why in the world I'd ever want to have children... why would I want to have children knowing that there will be times in their lives where they will be in pain, where they will feel loneliness. Why would I want to have children KNOWING this will happen? I don't really have an answer yet - I also know there will probably be times when my children (if I am lucky enough to have some) will hurt me, but I'll still love them. I just hope that if I do have children that they will have the abilities to strive through the pains in life... and be stronger on the other side because of them.

I feel like everyone has sort of disappeared lately - not just the boy. I've messaged a bunch of people, no response from most. Maybe they are on holidays. Maybe my phone sucks. I just don't know. I try to keep in contact with people - it might not be every day - but I try - and although it is not fair for me to expect the same actions of others - it still sucks if you are the only one seemingly putting any effort forth - it doesn't mean that the other person cares any less or that I care any more - it just means we go about our days very differently, and thats ok... I think right now I'm just overly sensitive because I just feel so distant from everyone in the world that yah I don't know - I'm rambling.... clearly I didn't think this statement through.

I know that regardless of the hurt and loneliness I've been feeling I need to stop staying in bed until all hours of the afternoon. I need to get up and embrace life. Crap I need to do school work before I get really really yelled at by my supervisor. I may be down, but I'm not out. Its a phase, I know that. There isn't really anything anyone else can do, its up to me to pull myself up by the bootstraps and keep marching with my chin held high. To enjoy life and not waste it. First step - start wearing boots with laces rather than flipflops... not likely to happen though with the heat and mugginess of the remaining summer! hahaha... I just need to stop being tired and get myself re-engerized....

I can do it.

I will do it.

I need to do it.