I can't think of titles anymore!

I told myself I wasn't going to write anything on here about the current events in my life - as I thought it would be too hard to do so. Plus - I didn't want to look back and read about it one day. Yesterday was the visitation for my dad - and I thought that I was just going to be a horrible mess - especially seeing my father for the first time since he passed. But I was fine. I don't understand why I was fine - but I was. The funerals I've been to this year we always commented on how strong the family was - but yesterday I realized its really not a strength thing - its just a numb feeling and you don't believe its real and you just talk to people about whatever. The most random things come to mind that usually make you laugh - or somehow are an inside joke between you and someone. I haven't slept though - I just have been in a daze so it doesn't seem like I haven't - but if I hadn't been watching the clock and talking to my mom the whole night I would have assumed I slept because time goes by way too quickly. We have to close the casket this morning - and I think thats going to be the hardest for me. My mom doesn't says she's not going to remember the funeral service and doesn't want to go to the cemetry but supposes she has too! hahaha. My cousins are the paul bearers - and one of them, Paul - the last time he was one was for my Opa (grandfather)'s funeral... my dad's dad, and I was too young to understand funerals at that time. But apparently at the cemetry he fell into the grave hole thing -- I'm at a loss of the terminology! -- so we were joking about him falling in later today - so my mom's going to say "Don't fall in Paul".
So many other things I Could write - but I don't think I can bring myself to do so.... I pray today goes well - I suppose as best as can be expected - I hope I don't fall a part - I don't want to ruin my make-up! hahahaha... I'm more worried about getting through it then actually being there! I'm tempted to bring my carebear but I don't want to have to deal with my brother Leo for doing so! Oh well.
I knew one day I'd have to say goodbye - but I sure didn't think it would be so soon - we thought he had a good ten years left --- but I suppose its better this way because if he had lived his dementia would have overcome him most likely completely - and we all would have suffered. This was just his way of going before he left us mentally all together. And I'll finish this post with what he said to my mom but a few days ago "Its not that I'm afraid of dying, its that I'm afraid of living".