a life of carebears is so much more simple

My stomach is upset.
Not because I ate something I should not have - although I did just have a bowl of ice cream which is not exactly on the diet plan.
--> Side note - apparently I'm almost a perfect hourglass. There was a time in which I would have taken being described as an hourglass offensively. But my bust is ten different from my waist - which was unfortunately just slight over ten different from my hips... but still pretty cool - and maybe something to strive for? hahaha
Its upset with worry, frustration, and borderline anger.
This last month was really overwhelming.
I had no idea what to expect - but my word - nothing was really going to prepare me for everything.
I like Western. Its odd being back in London - but with the strike going on in Windsor - definitely helps in making me happy to be elsewhere. Makes me really miss people who lived in London with me the "first" time.
School has been overwhelming. I've already dropped a class. I don't do that. However I do feel better that I made the decision to move on. But school has been frustrating and overwhelming and even with that course being dropped I'm tired. Which is a bad thing because we are only one month in.
I thought I was doing better at learning to do things for myself. I decided I was playing volleyball - and I wouldn't miss my games - there was one day in which I was forced to miss some (because of school) but otherwise wouldn't let anything get in my way. And I enjoyed it - and missed it once it had finished. Now I have joined an Ultimate team. This is a sport I had yet to ever play. Although only two games in - I think I'm improving a lot! Apparently I'm wicked at defense - which is funny because in football I was always an offensive player.
Even still - I've definitely been trying to do things to ensure that other people are going to be happy - in life, on a special day, whatever... and in the end the only thing it is doing is stressing me out more - or putting in a lot of effort for really no reason. It is this that I think I need to learn to stop. If its not my life, if it is not my event - than who cares - that person or those people can figure it out themselves and if I get to join in for the ride - maybe thats the better care-free way to go about things - but lets be honest - I prefer doing things for other people! haha.
Then comes the roommate.
He's great. He's a great guy - but right now I'm ready to move out. He doesn't exactly know that - but thats because I haven't had a chance to talk with him - and thats not because I'm spending all my time at school - but rather because his girlfriend is always around (as she has apparently moved in with us) or he's entertaining people. I want to have a conversation with him just the two of us - no one else. That may never happen at the rate things are going now!
I'm not upset actually that his girlfriend pretty much lives with us or that he constantly has people over - what I would like is 1) if you are going to throw a party... please at least run the idea by me. 2) inform me maybe that people are coming over. 3) CLEAN THE HOUSE if you make a mess.
I really don't think that is too much to ask.
Chances are you say "hey do you mind if I have some people over" I'll say "go for it - and thanks for letting me know".
Even if you don't clean the house - at least say "hey thanks for cleaning up my mess and that of my guests - I really appreciate that".. and I'll say "yah, no worries".
Than again - maybe I'm off my rocker and living in a different world.
A really cute thing happened today.
I left London - thats not the cute part! haha... I went to work at the bank. One of my "regular" clients came in today and we were chatting because I hadn't seen her in a while and she starting telling me about her nephew (who she has mentioned a few times) and how she thinks that I'd be such a great girl for him! Now - I've already "met up" with a clients son before - and that did not go well - so I'm not overly intrigued by situations like these - but at the same time don't turn them away. Which leads me to a whole other situation.
I grew up being told a lot that no one could ever love me, or that I'd be single for my entire life. After awhile I believed them. My self esteem was shot. I've been working on it - but clearly still have a long way to go. I've thankfully made some good friends over the years though and one thing I've heard from a few is "don't settle". So how do you know when the person is "the one" and you aren't settling? How do you know that its ok to stop "looking" because there isn't anyone else better? How do you know you're not making a mistake? I guess I"ve just never been at that point or stage where you just know - and it all fits and it makes sense.
I'm also really.... well.... despressed maybe... because my birthday is coming up. I hate my birthday. HATE IT. Would rather go to the dentist hate it. Sometimes I get my hopes up about it - that I'll get to do something fun - and that never happens. The idea of it makes me upset as I sit here typing. I'm getting ready to head back to London and I noticed that on my laptop bag there was a card - its a birthday card from my mom.... its still a week to my birthday. She's working all thanksgiving weekend so I'll barely even get to see the one person alive still who helped give me life. The one person who I suppose should really get to celebrate my birthday. I hate getting older. I hate the way my birthday makes me feel.
All of this bundle up together - no wonder I'm pretty much a mess -
Maybe if I close my eyes I'll wake up and be three years old again....