lost at sea

Last week was my first week of classes as a Ph.D. student.

I felt frustrated and overwhelmed.

We show up without being registered for classes - so you spend a week running around trying to get some.  I also realized how much work that I need to get done.

I thought I did really well to get all my assignments for monday completed.  Still have a bunch of work and of course the work due next week has already started to pile.

But - we are one day into the second week and I already feel like the stupid kid in class.

I'm taking a clinical epidemiology class.  This is not my realm of study - actually none of my classes are in the realm of my study - but I still push forward.

Today I made what I thought was an excellent attempt to answer questions and get involved in class discussions - however, when the professor even starts looking at you with concern regarding your intelligence thats a danger sign.  I just couldn't seem to say anything intelligent or answer anything correctly - whereas everyone else was "correct" or "excellent thought" or "good thinking"... I just don't like being the stupid kid in class - because I'm not stupid - I do deserve to be here - but my biggest fear with coming back to Western and doing a Ph.D. was that I'd fail out and people would realize I'm not actually smart... that my education has been attained by a fluke.

With this class I know I'm out of my comfort zone - I know that more often than not when I open my mouth I'll be wrong - I just rather know that I'm making a good effort - rather than wasting other people's time.

I just need to take a deep breath and remind myself that I can do this - I can.  Inhale..... exhale.... good thing I'm going to the gym tonight - I can work off some frustration rather than turning to the donut I was so tempted to buy a few moments ago!

Can't stop now - I'm still running - I'll go until I fall.