driving leads to thinking which leads to uhoh
As I was driving home (moms) today....I was thinking... I usually either do some thinking or singing while on my drives...thinking won out this time.
But this time I began to ponder whether or not I was actually alive. It made more sense to me that I had already passed away (in my thoughts it was killed in a car accident)... you all have been to my funeral, you have mourned my death, and you have moved on with your lives.... and instead of what I just assumed to be my life over the last 8-12 months, in fact has not been. I'm in an alternate world where life kept ticking and I did not become aware that I was dead. All of the things I have gone through this year (sadly more downs then ups) have been a challenge for me - to see if I could overcome these obstacles, still remain a good person, and thus reap my eternal reward in heaven....if I fail miserably - I either get stuck in this horrible nightmare of a loop of bad things.... or I just plummit to the so-called pits of hell. As I was contemplating such thoughts a country song came onto the radio "if you're going through hell, keep on moving, don't slow down, if your scared don't show you...you might get out before the devil even knows you there...."
The car ride also encompassed a large amount of Johnny Cash songs... which were difficult to listen too (my dad's fav. was Mr. Cash...we even played his cd at the funeral home) so ever since then I haven't done well listening to him...but as I scanned from radio station to radio station of different genres even - Mr. Cash kept making an appearance......I never did fully understand my dad's sense of humour! hahaha
posted by Paula @ 5:32 PM
2 Comments:
Ok so first - thanks so much for the regularity of posting - and sincerity of thoughts and feelings - I really appreciate it. I've been trying to think about what you've posted since I was away, and there's a few things I want to say. First is that this 'season of mourning' as it were - will pass. It's a time of your life that you will find ways to honour, but will not be the definition of your life forever. Perhaps one of the reasons that you are often affected by the deaths of others, is because of the gift you have for caring so genuinely for so many people, and so even losses that are once or twice removed from you personally are felt through the compassion you feel for the living, and for their loss. You are a gifted woman in the level of compassion you feel, and the extent to which you care about others.
Which brings me to the other thing that I wanted to say. I can't say I know what it is like for you being in Windsor, and so far away from your family and closest friends, but I do know that as long as you're looking for reciprocation with people who will never let you down, never disappoint you, and always be there for you in your time of need, == is a tall order that few people are able to deliver, especially newer friends who may not know you very well. This is despite the well known fact that you offer all of these things and more to all those you accept into your world. It's unfortunate, but few people have the level of devotion, sincerity and understanding that you have, and I am saddened to admit that I, and many others in your life disappoint you at times, by not doing as much for you as you would for us, forgetting important anniversaries, or neglecting to support you as much as you support us. It's not fair, but everyone is still developing, constantly evolving, and hopefully always trying to learn how to be better people. I think you have an amazing opportunity to teach these attributes by modelling them in the way you are, and also but the modesty with which you constantly offer, and expect little in return. My sincerest wish for you is that you will find satisfaction in knowing that you are an incredibly kind and loving person, and that all the lives you have affected, whether or not they are still with us on the earth have been bettered having known you, and that the failure of those who you love, to recognize all of the ways they can show you appreciation for that love, and recripocate your kindness, will find forgiveness.
Everyday I try to be a good person... but with doing so I know that one of my downfalls is that I probably care too much about other people and not enough about myself.
I do things for people, and I do not expect anything in return - thats the way I was brought up --
For my close friends - maybe they don't do things for me in the same manner I do things - but I appreciate and acknowledge that they do things for me in a different manner. However, in newer friendships I suppose - I do feel like I put myself out more on a line then is returned. I don't do it for the return - but I hate feeling guilty if I do one thing that may alter my full attention off of them at that point in time.. I suppose I'm just feeling out of the loop.
I just need a guy at the moment to make me feel secure...lol
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