maybe this will help....

cause I thought it was cute....

Dear God:

Please untie the knots

that are in my mind,

my heart and my life.

Remove the have nots,

the can nots and the do nots

that I have in my mind.

Erase the will nots,

may nots,

might nots that may find

a home in my heart.

Release me from the could nots,

would nots and

should nots that obstruct my life.

And most of all,

Dear God,

I ask that you remove from my mind,

my heart and my life all of the 'am nots'

that I have allowed to hold me back,

especially the thought

that I am not good enough.

Amen

Happy Monday!

Its Monday.

Its a New Day.

Its a Fresh Start!

frustrated with myself

I hate soul searching.

hahaha.

I am just not a fan of change - but I do understand that some change is good.

This has been a truly difficult summer for me.

Unfortunately I've learned a lot about myself. Well, it shouldn't really be considered unfortunate, and it isn't really, but it just kind of sucks during the process.

I've learned I am a good person. But I don't have much of a spine.

If someone were to punch me in the face. I would get upset. But in expressing my anger or frustration to the puncher, I the punchee, would somehow manage to end up apologizing to the puncher for doing something to make them upset enough to want to punch me.

Yah doesn't make much sense eh?

Still having boy issues - and I want to walk away, I need to walk away. I thought I was doing a good job of it. There had been no communication for two weeks. I was regrouping. Then he contacted me. Asking if I would ever talk to him again or if he was just another lost cause, just another loser. That day I didn't have time to talk so the next day I asked him what his story was. He replied, no stories just romper room reruns..... ????? I was confused. Apparently it was a joke - which is fine - but it went right over my head - but then I got accused of losing my sense of humor. Whatever. Anyway - due to being busy he claimed he'd call later. He did. I was in bed. So although I was busy the next day I thought we left it with him contacting me on his lunch. During the afternoon that day I asked if he skipped his lunch break - apparently he didn't he just didn't contact me because he thought I was busy. I replied that I thought we had left it with him contacting me anyway - but oh well no big deal. He then replied that he doesn't want to fight or bicker with me, that he apparently can't seem to do anything right and that this is all just too hard.

???? What?

I wasn't picking a fight... nor trying to bicker. I wrote him that and said maybe tone or something is being lost in the text. He didn't reply.

I have stupidly called, because I'd like to try to have a normal conversation. He doesn't answer.

This is just stupid.

Are there any normal people out there? Because this is too frustrating. I needed to walk away - he came back (again).. I didn't want to get together with him, but I did want to talk, which I do have my reasons for but am not going to type here, and yet it still gets turned around on me. I didn't do anything. I didn't go mia. I wasn't the one treating someone like crap. I don't deserve this. Yet, I am the one hurt ....again.

this time I'm pretty sure that I'm just upset with myself. I don't know what is wrong with me.

it is not a life to find, it is a life to be created

I feel like a lonely lost puppy.

You know - the one that no one buys at the pet store or the one that gets over looked at the shelter, longing to be adopted.

Its not a bad thing though.

Ok, maybe it is.

The boy is mia. He came back and then disappeared again. Upon his return I had told myself to tread lightly. Good thing too because he did disappear again. Why? I don't know. Maybe he is going through a lot and just pushes people away. Maybe he is a drug dealer and got caught and is serving some time in jail. Maybe he is sick and no one thought to contact me. Maybe his whole interest in me was actually just some kind of cruel joke. Regardless, I don't deserve the treatment as of late, and should not, and will not put up with it. I don't know why it has hurt me so much - I'm use to being the one who "runs away"... so why can't I just throw my hands up this time and walk away? I think that I tried really hard this time to "overlook" the red flags and focus on the things I really did like. Although this time wasn't successful, it shouldn't mean that I give up or lose hope - it just means this time Mr. Barker, the price wasn't right.

Another thing I have pondered as of late is that I think ever since I was a young girl I have always believed, whether I contrived the idea myself or somehow picked it up from others, that happiness is being married and having kids (as in children, not young goats). I know that isn't true. Sure there is happiness that can be gained from sharing your life with a significant other, and having children - but it definitely comes with its own set of complications and heart aches. So I hope that deep down I haven't convinced myself that finding the "right guy" means I'll "finally" be happy in life - because thats a bowl of mashed potatoes without any butter (I have no idea where that statement came from! hahaha). Its also funny lately, because with the hurt I've felt, and the loneliness I've been experiencing I've been asking myself why in the world I'd ever want to have children... why would I want to have children knowing that there will be times in their lives where they will be in pain, where they will feel loneliness. Why would I want to have children KNOWING this will happen? I don't really have an answer yet - I also know there will probably be times when my children (if I am lucky enough to have some) will hurt me, but I'll still love them. I just hope that if I do have children that they will have the abilities to strive through the pains in life... and be stronger on the other side because of them.

I feel like everyone has sort of disappeared lately - not just the boy. I've messaged a bunch of people, no response from most. Maybe they are on holidays. Maybe my phone sucks. I just don't know. I try to keep in contact with people - it might not be every day - but I try - and although it is not fair for me to expect the same actions of others - it still sucks if you are the only one seemingly putting any effort forth - it doesn't mean that the other person cares any less or that I care any more - it just means we go about our days very differently, and thats ok... I think right now I'm just overly sensitive because I just feel so distant from everyone in the world that yah I don't know - I'm rambling.... clearly I didn't think this statement through.

I know that regardless of the hurt and loneliness I've been feeling I need to stop staying in bed until all hours of the afternoon. I need to get up and embrace life. Crap I need to do school work before I get really really yelled at by my supervisor. I may be down, but I'm not out. Its a phase, I know that. There isn't really anything anyone else can do, its up to me to pull myself up by the bootstraps and keep marching with my chin held high. To enjoy life and not waste it. First step - start wearing boots with laces rather than flipflops... not likely to happen though with the heat and mugginess of the remaining summer! hahaha... I just need to stop being tired and get myself re-engerized....

I can do it.

I will do it.

I need to do it.

update

So it has been an interesting summer.

I think back to last summer and it seems like it was much further tan 365 days ago.

I can't believe last summer I wrote my comps - and in the past year I've made pretty much no progress on my thesis... oops. Thankfully I have done a bunch of side projects that have afforded me a lot of learning opportunities.

This summer I wish I could say as the best summer ever - but it really hasn't been.

My mom got married - that was definitely a difficult situation.

It became more challenging over the last few days as my stepdaddy became ill to the point that 911 was called and he was brought to the ER of the hospital via ambulance. My mom being a nurse I asked why the ambulance became necessary ... apparently he was too ill and there was no way my mother would have been able to get him to the car. Plus one of the benefits of traveling by ambulance is having a shorter wait time upon arriving at the hospital. I offered to travel home and sit with my mom in the waiting room and whatever else she needed - but she failed to mention which hospital they were at and wasn't answering her phone.

They have returned home now... but unfortunately with no news on what is actually wrong, and they sent him home. He is still not feeling well and things are up in the air --- so going to the hospital really did not solve nor help things. So hopefully things do get all worked out and that he's feeling better soon.... and yes I actually mean that.

After the wedding I did end up taking some time away. I went to Calgary. Yop I left Ontario. Not only did I step foot in Alberta for the first time ever, I also, due to a brief one day road trip, stepped foot in British Columbia. I was able to experience the stampede, see/touch a mountain (well more than one), went to Lake Louise which apparently is the second most visited tourist attraction in Canada (next to Niagara Falls), went white water rafting (in B.C.), went to a Kid Rock concert (AWESOME b the way!), and a few other things. It was nice to get away, but I definitely felt home sick at times.

The worst part about being in Calgary was that my cell phone didn't work. Which meant wasn't really able to be in contact with anyone... including the boy. This made it difficult. He had lost his phone a few days prior to me leaving and thus was mia because he had no way to contact me to let me know - but eventually he got his phone back and we were able to talk and hang out the night before my flight took off. Then I couldn't text him... but I was able to send a few emails. For a few days while there he hadn't emailed but I wasnt concerned because I was occupied and I figured that he was busy too... but it turned out he went to NY. (previously his brother was in a horrible car accident and hospitalized in NY, so I assume he was going to visit and hopefully not a situation in which his brother got worse). He emailed on the Saturday saying he was to return that day and that he had been in NY. When I hadn't heard from him again late Monday night early Tuesday morning I sent a message to see if he made it safely. Turned out that as he was leaving a few other family members showed up so he stayed and was to return that night (Tuesday).. no worries. I called him Wednesday. Ended up getting an email from him saying he was actually going to be coming home Thursday and that he'd call when he was home. Nothing. I called Thursday at 11pm, nothing. I called Friday 2pm to let him know about our buddy's going away party, nothing. I got a text message (yah my phone works in Ontario!) on Saturday saying he was actually staying with his grandma whom he hadn't seen in almost 4 years and would call when he got back. So thats good that he's getting that opportunity.... but now its Monday and I haven't heard from him.

I've learned I'm not good at being kept in the dark. Totally ok with him staying in NY or staying at his grandma's... just wish he was in contact a little more frequently.... so I'm just frustrated and maybe not really with any good reason - I just wish .. oh I don't know.

Just frustrated.

anyway - hopefully he calls soon... hahaha.

Now I need to try and focus on school so one day I can graduate.... again... haha

oh the laughter that helps you get through the day

you know you might be top heavy when you lean forward to put something on the wall or shelf on the other side of your desk/table and without even noticing your "lady friends" start typing away on keyboard of the computer you were attempting to pass over top of. (yes that is how I'm ending me sentence... with "of").

I wonder if they were trying to send out an "s.o.s."....

Needing some strength....

They say that when the world hands you lemons.... you should make lemonade.

Sounds like a fantastic idea.

However, I'm allergic to lemons - so this may not be the best idea for me.

School is going ok. I was really really fortunate to be invited to lecture at a university in Toronto last week - and although I really had no idea what to expect, the experience was no less than awesome. the class interacted well (with me), the information came across well and I even got a lot of compliments afterwards - so I was really pleased.

Otherwise - I'm not really sure what to share. I'm really angry and upset and hurt.... and well if I didn't keep accepting projects at school to occupy my time then I'd be really really lonely. I miss my friends. Some days I figure I may as well be living in Windsor or a different country because even though I moved two hours at least closer to people, it doesn't really make much of a difference - everyone is busy, and it is completely understandable - but doesn't suck any less.

I'm also fed up with stupid a-hole boys. I can't wait for the day when a guy that I'm intrigued by is not also intrigued by me, but is also aware of just how awesome I am and not going to let me "get away". Its funny - so I'm accepting that the guy who has my attention lately really is being a jerk, although I've been trying to convince myself otherwise... but also this week a few ex-boyfriends have randomly contacted me... I did a little investigating and found out that most of them just got dumped by their most recent girlfriends... sorry guys - I'm not the answer.

Then there is the topic of my mother. I'm flipping angry. So angry I'm pretty sure my blood is close to a boiling point.

But - I realize that my mom isn't going to wake up and smell the coffee.. mainly because every day when she has a coffee buddyboi is sitting across the table from her... but she just doesn't understand how her three children are so very hurt and angry... she actually doesn't even care. I regretfully asked her. Anyway - a while ago I learned that I never have to accept her relationship, I never have to like it, I just have to deal with it.... so I'm trying so very hard to take the words of wisdom from McCartney maybe.... and just "let it be"..... because right now it is absolutely destroying me.... literally.

I know the answer is probably never..... but when does life get easier? I'm sick of the bullcrap - I really could use a break - someone please throw me a bone.... sad thing is I don't really have any reason to complain - I know there are people out there with far worse problems than mine - pray for those people because I just don't know how they manage to survive.