do you search for a soul with a flashlight?

I've had to do a lot of reflection lately.

Actually the whole semester through.

In my qualitative research course we have been taught the importance of reflexivity.  It is important to understand your role as a researcher and how that will affect a study.

I have also had to consider my position in certain group situations - acknowledge when something is worth battling for - recognizing when its ok to just step back and let things be.  On my first grade report card my teacher wrote that "Paula is a perfectionist.  She is still young, but it is clear that this is a trait she possesses.".. or something close to that effect.  I suppose I do like having control of a situation.  Well - not all situations - but when I have a vested interest - then I suppose that I do.

Today though - I had a reflection placed upon my plate that I may have guessed was coming eventually - but definitely was hoping would not come to be.  I had a meeting with my advisor today - one of the topics was courses for next semester.  I technically only need one more course to meet Ph.D. requirements - however, my advisor thinks that its always a good idea to take more classes.  Although I don't disagree - I am tired - which makes me wonder if I made the right decision to continue in school.  I think the reasoning behind me being tired however is that I have not had a break since Feb. 2006.  I have endured A LOT since then.  Unfortunately because of some situations in that time by masters took me right up until the time in which I had to move to london - actually - I still have some manuscripts hanging over my head!  Regardless - I believe, I truly believe that I'm suppose to be in London.  As challenging as the change has been for me - I do know that it is right.

I told my advisor I would like to take more courses that are actually of interest to me - as all my courses that "count" have been stats - and well he wants me to take another one or two next term (you can never have enough stats!... yippee!).  This began a conversation as to what courses would fit my likings.  My problem is that I'm interested in a variety of areas.  Thats a problem because well - I need to narrow my focus - this is essential for finding my place in academics, writing successful grants, and well... attaining employment!!!  This is the part that has my upset... overwhelmed.. I don't know how to narrow my interests - but I suppose that is because I actually don't know what I want to do.  I've emailed a few profs to ask where they see the field going - what jobs might be available.... but possibly ask them to give me the answer.  Obviously I can't allow that to happen - this is something I need to figure out on my own.  What do I want to do???  Although scary.... I suppose its exciting - I have the chance to maybe create a new realm - to be the "founder" of something great!  I can create the future rather than just be a follower.

oh me - oh my.... I'm tired.  I have lots of papers and assignments to do though so I should probably stop procrastinating and get my butt in gear!  vroom vroom.