Why the world needs superman

maybe this will help....

2010-09-02T15:32:00.001-07:00

cause I thought it was cute....

Dear God:

Please untie the knots

that are in my mind,

my heart and my life.

Remove the have nots,

the can nots and the do nots

that I have in my mind.

Erase the will nots,

may nots,

might nots that may find

a home in my heart.

Release me from the could nots,

would nots and

should nots that obstruct my life.

And most of all,

Dear God,

I ask that you remove from my mind,

my heart and my life all of the 'am nots'

that I have allowed to hold me back,

especially the thought

that I am not good enough.

Amen

Happy Monday!

2010-08-23T11:27:00.001-07:00

Its Monday.

Its a New Day.

Its a Fresh Start!

frustrated with myself

2010-08-21T14:27:00.000-07:00

I hate soul searching.

hahaha.

I am just not a fan of change - but I do understand that some change is good.

This has been a truly difficult summer for me.

Unfortunately I've learned a lot about myself. Well, it shouldn't really be considered unfortunate, and it isn't really, but it just kind of sucks during the process.

I've learned I am a good person. But I don't have much of a spine.

If someone were to punch me in the face. I would get upset. But in expressing my anger or frustration to the puncher, I the punchee, would somehow manage to end up apologizing to the puncher for doing something to make them upset enough to want to punch me.

Yah doesn't make much sense eh?

Still having boy issues - and I want to walk away, I need to walk away. I thought I was doing a good job of it. There had been no communication for two weeks. I was regrouping. Then he contacted me. Asking if I would ever talk to him again or if he was just another lost cause, just another loser. That day I didn't have time to talk so the next day I asked him what his story was. He replied, no stories just romper room reruns..... ????? I was confused. Apparently it was a joke - which is fine - but it went right over my head - but then I got accused of losing my sense of humor. Whatever. Anyway - due to being busy he claimed he'd call later. He did. I was in bed. So although I was busy the next day I thought we left it with him contacting me on his lunch. During the afternoon that day I asked if he skipped his lunch break - apparently he didn't he just didn't contact me because he thought I was busy. I replied that I thought we had left it with him contacting me anyway - but oh well no big deal. He then replied that he doesn't want to fight or bicker with me, that he apparently can't seem to do anything right and that this is all just too hard.

???? What?

I wasn't picking a fight... nor trying to bicker. I wrote him that and said maybe tone or something is being lost in the text. He didn't reply.

I have stupidly called, because I'd like to try to have a normal conversation. He doesn't answer.

This is just stupid.

Are there any normal people out there? Because this is too frustrating. I needed to walk away - he came back (again).. I didn't want to get together with him, but I did want to talk, which I do have my reasons for but am not going to type here, and yet it still gets turned around on me. I didn't do anything. I didn't go mia. I wasn't the one treating someone like crap. I don't deserve this. Yet, I am the one hurt ....again.

this time I'm pretty sure that I'm just upset with myself. I don't know what is wrong with me.

it is not a life to find, it is a life to be created

2010-08-10T14:33:00.000-07:00

I feel like a lonely lost puppy.

You know - the one that no one buys at the pet store or the one that gets over looked at the shelter, longing to be adopted.

Its not a bad thing though.

Ok, maybe it is.

The boy is mia. He came back and then disappeared again. Upon his return I had told myself to tread lightly. Good thing too because he did disappear again. Why? I don't know. Maybe he is going through a lot and just pushes people away. Maybe he is a drug dealer and got caught and is serving some time in jail. Maybe he is sick and no one thought to contact me. Maybe his whole interest in me was actually just some kind of cruel joke. Regardless, I don't deserve the treatment as of late, and should not, and will not put up with it. I don't know why it has hurt me so much - I'm use to being the one who "runs away"... so why can't I just throw my hands up this time and walk away? I think that I tried really hard this time to "overlook" the red flags and focus on the things I really did like. Although this time wasn't successful, it shouldn't mean that I give up or lose hope - it just means this time Mr. Barker, the price wasn't right.

Another thing I have pondered as of late is that I think ever since I was a young girl I have always believed, whether I contrived the idea myself or somehow picked it up from others, that happiness is being married and having kids (as in children, not young goats). I know that isn't true. Sure there is happiness that can be gained from sharing your life with a significant other, and having children - but it definitely comes with its own set of complications and heart aches. So I hope that deep down I haven't convinced myself that finding the "right guy" means I'll "finally" be happy in life - because thats a bowl of mashed potatoes without any butter (I have no idea where that statement came from! hahaha). Its also funny lately, because with the hurt I've felt, and the loneliness I've been experiencing I've been asking myself why in the world I'd ever want to have children... why would I want to have children knowing that there will be times in their lives where they will be in pain, where they will feel loneliness. Why would I want to have children KNOWING this will happen? I don't really have an answer yet - I also know there will probably be times when my children (if I am lucky enough to have some) will hurt me, but I'll still love them. I just hope that if I do have children that they will have the abilities to strive through the pains in life... and be stronger on the other side because of them.

I feel like everyone has sort of disappeared lately - not just the boy. I've messaged a bunch of people, no response from most. Maybe they are on holidays. Maybe my phone sucks. I just don't know. I try to keep in contact with people - it might not be every day - but I try - and although it is not fair for me to expect the same actions of others - it still sucks if you are the only one seemingly putting any effort forth - it doesn't mean that the other person cares any less or that I care any more - it just means we go about our days very differently, and thats ok... I think right now I'm just overly sensitive because I just feel so distant from everyone in the world that yah I don't know - I'm rambling.... clearly I didn't think this statement through.

I know that regardless of the hurt and loneliness I've been feeling I need to stop staying in bed until all hours of the afternoon. I need to get up and embrace life. Crap I need to do school work before I get really really yelled at by my supervisor. I may be down, but I'm not out. Its a phase, I know that. There isn't really anything anyone else can do, its up to me to pull myself up by the bootstraps and keep marching with my chin held high. To enjoy life and not waste it. First step - start wearing boots with laces rather than flipflops... not likely to happen though with the heat and mugginess of the remaining summer! hahaha... I just need to stop being tired and get myself re-engerized....

I can do it.

I will do it.

I need to do it.

update

2010-07-26T15:04:00.000-07:00

So it has been an interesting summer.

I think back to last summer and it seems like it was much further tan 365 days ago.

I can't believe last summer I wrote my comps - and in the past year I've made pretty much no progress on my thesis... oops. Thankfully I have done a bunch of side projects that have afforded me a lot of learning opportunities.

This summer I wish I could say as the best summer ever - but it really hasn't been.

My mom got married - that was definitely a difficult situation.

It became more challenging over the last few days as my stepdaddy became ill to the point that 911 was called and he was brought to the ER of the hospital via ambulance. My mom being a nurse I asked why the ambulance became necessary ... apparently he was too ill and there was no way my mother would have been able to get him to the car. Plus one of the benefits of traveling by ambulance is having a shorter wait time upon arriving at the hospital. I offered to travel home and sit with my mom in the waiting room and whatever else she needed - but she failed to mention which hospital they were at and wasn't answering her phone.

They have returned home now... but unfortunately with no news on what is actually wrong, and they sent him home. He is still not feeling well and things are up in the air --- so going to the hospital really did not solve nor help things. So hopefully things do get all worked out and that he's feeling better soon.... and yes I actually mean that.

After the wedding I did end up taking some time away. I went to Calgary. Yop I left Ontario. Not only did I step foot in Alberta for the first time ever, I also, due to a brief one day road trip, stepped foot in British Columbia. I was able to experience the stampede, see/touch a mountain (well more than one), went to Lake Louise which apparently is the second most visited tourist attraction in Canada (next to Niagara Falls), went white water rafting (in B.C.), went to a Kid Rock concert (AWESOME b the way!), and a few other things. It was nice to get away, but I definitely felt home sick at times.

The worst part about being in Calgary was that my cell phone didn't work. Which meant wasn't really able to be in contact with anyone... including the boy. This made it difficult. He had lost his phone a few days prior to me leaving and thus was mia because he had no way to contact me to let me know - but eventually he got his phone back and we were able to talk and hang out the night before my flight took off. Then I couldn't text him... but I was able to send a few emails. For a few days while there he hadn't emailed but I wasnt concerned because I was occupied and I figured that he was busy too... but it turned out he went to NY. (previously his brother was in a horrible car accident and hospitalized in NY, so I assume he was going to visit and hopefully not a situation in which his brother got worse). He emailed on the Saturday saying he was to return that day and that he had been in NY. When I hadn't heard from him again late Monday night early Tuesday morning I sent a message to see if he made it safely. Turned out that as he was leaving a few other family members showed up so he stayed and was to return that night (Tuesday).. no worries. I called him Wednesday. Ended up getting an email from him saying he was actually going to be coming home Thursday and that he'd call when he was home. Nothing. I called Thursday at 11pm, nothing. I called Friday 2pm to let him know about our buddy's going away party, nothing. I got a text message (yah my phone works in Ontario!) on Saturday saying he was actually staying with his grandma whom he hadn't seen in almost 4 years and would call when he got back. So thats good that he's getting that opportunity.... but now its Monday and I haven't heard from him.

I've learned I'm not good at being kept in the dark. Totally ok with him staying in NY or staying at his grandma's... just wish he was in contact a little more frequently.... so I'm just frustrated and maybe not really with any good reason - I just wish .. oh I don't know.

Just frustrated.

anyway - hopefully he calls soon... hahaha.

Now I need to try and focus on school so one day I can graduate.... again... haha

oh the laughter that helps you get through the day

2010-05-18T12:26:00.001-07:00

you know you might be top heavy when you lean forward to put something on the wall or shelf on the other side of your desk/table and without even noticing your "lady friends" start typing away on keyboard of the computer you were attempting to pass over top of. (yes that is how I'm ending me sentence... with "of").

I wonder if they were trying to send out an "s.o.s."....

Needing some strength....

2010-04-06T17:32:00.000-07:00

They say that when the world hands you lemons.... you should make lemonade.

Sounds like a fantastic idea.

However, I'm allergic to lemons - so this may not be the best idea for me.

School is going ok. I was really really fortunate to be invited to lecture at a university in Toronto last week - and although I really had no idea what to expect, the experience was no less than awesome. the class interacted well (with me), the information came across well and I even got a lot of compliments afterwards - so I was really pleased.

Otherwise - I'm not really sure what to share. I'm really angry and upset and hurt.... and well if I didn't keep accepting projects at school to occupy my time then I'd be really really lonely. I miss my friends. Some days I figure I may as well be living in Windsor or a different country because even though I moved two hours at least closer to people, it doesn't really make much of a difference - everyone is busy, and it is completely understandable - but doesn't suck any less.

I'm also fed up with stupid a-hole boys. I can't wait for the day when a guy that I'm intrigued by is not also intrigued by me, but is also aware of just how awesome I am and not going to let me "get away". Its funny - so I'm accepting that the guy who has my attention lately really is being a jerk, although I've been trying to convince myself otherwise... but also this week a few ex-boyfriends have randomly contacted me... I did a little investigating and found out that most of them just got dumped by their most recent girlfriends... sorry guys - I'm not the answer.

Then there is the topic of my mother. I'm flipping angry. So angry I'm pretty sure my blood is close to a boiling point.

But - I realize that my mom isn't going to wake up and smell the coffee.. mainly because every day when she has a coffee buddyboi is sitting across the table from her... but she just doesn't understand how her three children are so very hurt and angry... she actually doesn't even care. I regretfully asked her. Anyway - a while ago I learned that I never have to accept her relationship, I never have to like it, I just have to deal with it.... so I'm trying so very hard to take the words of wisdom from McCartney maybe.... and just "let it be"..... because right now it is absolutely destroying me.... literally.

I know the answer is probably never..... but when does life get easier? I'm sick of the bullcrap - I really could use a break - someone please throw me a bone.... sad thing is I don't really have any reason to complain - I know there are people out there with far worse problems than mine - pray for those people because I just don't know how they manage to survive.

Poem...

2010-03-16T18:14:00.001-07:00

The waves are coming although the beach is dry

The tears from heaven will soon fall from the sky

Cupid’s arrow has pierced through the angels above

To create pools of anger instead of pools of love

The train is rolling in from all the way down the line

Butterflies all a flutter bestowing shudders down my spine

The beauty of tomorrow seems nonexistent and lambaste

Longing for the splendor that was ignored in the past

I bought you six eggs from the market down the street

You were disappointed I didn’t lay a half dozen at your feet

The wind was swirling around with flowers in the air

But the spring showers came and spun the picture into despair

How quickly we fell from the first spot within your mind

Replaced without thought to which you remain mute and blind

The days of letters, candy, hugs, laughter, love and joy

Have been long forgotten through your aged version of coy

The brew is being mixed and the pot feverishly stirred

As the tears stream down making all visions blurred

A fairytale dream of happiness for all to envy and adore

To which the raven laughs and infamously quotes “nevermore”

Prayers and pleas for you to return like a zombie from the grave

That this is all just a stage to be washed away in that single wave

The hope that you will return and the mourning can end

To have back the love of my mother and my friend

superman where are you?

2010-02-24T22:26:00.000-08:00

I've never need superman more.
Its 1:30am and I'm just having a moment.
For the Canadians at the Olympics its been a really good day for most - a bronze in women's speedskating, a bronze that became a silver in women's speedskating relay, a gold and a silver in women's bobsleigh, and the Cdn men beat Russia in hockey 7-3. That in and of itself is a successful day I'd say.
I am at the family home at the moment. My mom is working 3 night shifts in a row so I am home to be here for my sister. Tonight I've been doing some work for school and ended up coming across a document that was the prototype for my mom's wedding invitation. June 22nd. Sure that is still a few more months for me to prepare - but makes me sick that yet again my mother is keeping information. I keep thinking we are making break throughs, that things are getting better - then I get slapped pretty hard in the face with the truth and realize she's still lying and hiding information. With every single fibre of my body I'm sick and tired of this situation. I can honestly say I hate it. I actually wish my father was alive - just so I could avoid the childish and stupid situation that has and continues to surmount. This is absolutely bullocks and a load of crap.
I have been trying to hard lately to keep a positive attitude, to keep faith and hope alive.... and things, wonderful things seem to keep happening in the lives of my friends, and I'm so thrilled for them - but I just don't understand why I personally can't have some joy in my own life too. Im just so tired of fighting. Don't get me wrong I have been dealt a pretty good hand in life compared to most - I'm not an ungrateful crazy person..... but common I've gone through enough crap as well.... and if I haven't had at least my fair share of it already - then I'm sorry I won't survive much longer... I'm not strong enough.
Please don't tell me that I need to see a therapist or need to talk to someone. I'm tired of someone trying to "put things in perspective" and make me realize that I am the one to blame, that I make my life more difficult than it needs to be. I'm tired of being told I'm wrong. I'm tired of being told that I just have to deal and live with the way things turn out. It just makes me feel more guilty, more alone.
I like going to events my friends host... well I suppose lately thats just weddings and engagement parties - sure personally at times these events can be depressing because it reminds me how its not me, but I'm thrilled for my friends, couldn't be happier for them.... but I love the focus is on my friends and I get to put on a happy face and help them enjoy their day. I get to forget, for a few moments about how I'm really not enjoying my own life.
I have hope that things will get better.
I need to believe that happiness is just around the corner.
I'm just tired... so so tired... tired of the crap.

Superman has laser eyes ~ winter wonderland wedding

2010-02-08T07:19:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry I have not posted in a while - but hopefully this one makes up for it.
I just returned from a winter wonderland wedding weekend in Quebec.
There was definitely a lot of things to do that kept me busy throughout the weekend... which in the end is a good thing, because I'd rather be doing something than sitting still.
I first met up with the bride and groom in Ottawa and together we finished up some last minute details. Then the next morning three car loads of us headed up to Blueberry Lake in Quebec - which was incredibly beautiful - far exceeds the website that just simply does not do it any justice whatsoever.
Anyway - the wedding in an of itself was really fun and beautiful. I think the bride and groom enjoyed themselves! There were definitely a few guests who enjoyed themselves a little too much!~ haha. I was also really excited when Jen, Mark and John arrived.... I love those guys! They even brought me the coolest toy EVER. They got me a superman figurine.... I mean action figure, its an action figure! haha. But the action figure is the size of my forearm.. so its not tiny. Anyway, they gave it me knowing I believe that he had the ability to punch and stated "up up and away" and then made flying sounds. What they didn't know however, is that this action figure also has freaking lasers for eyes, sounds including! Its awesome.

Speaking of superman.... and the real reason why I wanted to write this particular blog...
This morning I went to pick up the dog from the "pet holiday resort". With all the time I've spent driving in the car the last two days, I have had a lot of time to think, a lot of time to debate with myself, a lot of time to think upon memories more current and past, and of course relive the wedding in my head, which also made me think of Jen and Mark's wedding but a year ago, also in the winter season. (side note - although it seems like a crazy idea to get married in the winter, and I may be biased now seeing as the only weddings I've been a part of have been in the winter, but I think they out rank the summer weddings. Both Jen & Mark, Jos & Barry had great weather to travel, so that made a huge difference too I'm sure... but they were beautiful - sure there were moments of being cold, but I'd rather be cold and warm up, then sticky, sweaty and gross).
When I typically think back over the wedding I'm thinking of getting ready, the bride snowboarding down the aisle, yes I said snowboarding, the rehearsal dinner, kitchen appliances (lol), etc..... I don't know what made me think about this though... but aside from the fondest best memories with the bride and groom, and friends at the wedding.... there were a few key moments that I didn't realize made such an impact on my life until I started sobbing in the car on the way home with the dog! This is two times as funny as well, because one of the reasons I ended up representing the bridesmaid for the speech was because I can be "Chandler" from friends and just not cry or get emotional... yes there are certain things that can get me going, but I'm usually good at keeping myself in check. So some of the key moments I thought of in the car ride, which are ones other people probably didn't even witness are:
1. After the ceremony, the bridal party was called over to a bride to take photos. On the way there I asked the bride if she wanted her "heart shaped muff", she replied she did, so I turned back to go get it. Thus I was now lagging behind. As I started getting closer, the groomsman that was my partner for the wedding started walking towards me. I assumed he was going to go say something to his girlfriend real quick, or maybe even needed to be sick as he was suffering from flu-like symptoms. Nope. He was coming over to walk with me and offer me his elbow/arm for support as the ground was a bit icy and he didn't want me to fall.
2. We were at the boys chalet to take I think the one and only photo that the group had inside. As everyone was taking off some of the extra winter padding we had on for the outdoors ceremony and the photographer gave us our places to pose, the best man/ brother of the groom came over and told me that he thinks my earrings are caught in my hair. I had not idea as I could not see nor feel this. But sure enough both earrings were caught. He then took the next fiver minutes and ever so careful released my hair from the earrings..... something I don't really think many people a. would have noticed, b. would have done anything about or c. taken such care in fixing. Personally had I known I would have just wripped the hair out for myself and not taken such precise care.
3. For the entrance into the reception it was decided that we would walk in from upstairs, across the floor there, down the stairs and onto the main floor across to the head table... which I think was a great idea. The staircase however can really only fit one person. Well, the groomsman that I was paired with did go in front of me, like the group had discussed... but he didn't just go in front of me. He went in front of me, then turn and gave me his hand to lead me down the stairs without falling... meaning he went down pretty much backwards/sideways.
4. This got me thinking of little moments from Jen and Mark's wedding. Once again, aside from the bride and groom and the classic favourite moments, I loved that the best man at their wedding would also volunteer to hold my flowers when I needed an extra hand.... because it meant he got to smell them... which I know might sound odd, but trust me, it was really awesome. Also in between the photos we had outside, when the camera wasn't click he either offered me his jacket or stood behind me pretty much giving me a bear hug to ensure I was warm.

Why did these things make me cry? Well I know that Barry is an incredible person. I have seen him to some really sweet and awesome things for Jos. I have also adored the man that Mark is and love him for the way he takes care of Jen. Jen and Jos are two amazing people and I could not be happier that they have such amazing husbands. This goes for some of my other friends too who have been lucky enough to meet their other half/significant other. So I have known that there are good guys out there. I went to this wedding purely to watch two friends get married and have a fun time hanging out with friends. My date even asked me "but what if you pick up"... to which I laughed and said "that isn't going to happen, nor is that even a glimmer of a thought for me going to this wedding...". Well half way through the night, the groom informed me that the powers of the bridesmaids dress had been turned on, as there were a few guys that apparently had asked about me. No doubt both really nice guys.... however, it just always seems that when a guy talks to me he makes it all about how he wants to get into my pants, which I'm sure is somewhat of a joke, but also not entirely. Its then that I do put up a front because I just don't want to be a quicky or a whambam thank you ma'am. Even though these guys are actually nice guys, I'm just tired of dating the jerks.... I actually do deserve a nice guy, the one who takes time to make sure you won't fall, or takes special care to ensure your hair is not caught in your earring.
So I started crying, as I am again now as I type, thinking of the four memories listed above, because they just renewed my belief and hope that there are incredibly awesome guys out there. That there is a guy out there for me too..... and one day our paths will cross. True, those who know me, know that I would prefer this to happen sooner rather than later... but I have learned that its ok that it hasn't. I'm more than able to survive on my own. I do have some difficult times, but I do have friends and family who still love me..... even if they are making fun of me while my colts are losing the superbowl..... but I do know the value in having that special person there to whipe away that tear that falls down your cheek.... I am not perfect, nor am I even close, but I am excited for the day, whenever that may be, to have beside me a guy who loves me because of my imperfections.... and who just wants to hold my hand and is content rather than wanting to get in my pants.... its the simple things that when me over..... because those are the things that me, show that you care.
So even though I am having tears falling down.... they are not upset tears... they are tears of renewed hope.....
.... deep breath.....
.... let the journey begin.

sometimes it sucks being right

2009-11-19T18:52:00.000-08:00

Approximately two years ago I noticed something that scared me to the bottom pits of my existence.

My aunt, one of my dad's sisters, was exhibiting some of the same characteristics my dad did when his journey of "trying times" began.

At first I didn't say anything because I thought maybe it was a bad day she was having.

Well - then I noticed it almost each time I saw her after that first spotting.

Shortly after I told my mom.

I asked her to see if she noticed anything the next time she saw her.

It took her a few times to state that there was a possibility there was something there.

Well - a year went by and it wasn't getting any better.

I ended up having a class with the wife of one of my cousins (child of the aunt in question). One day it actually came up in a conversation between her and I and we discussed it at some length and about what to do - who to approach.

I eventually wrote my female cousin (daughter of the aunt) and broached the subject.

She didn't reply until I saw her in person.

She acknowledge receipt of the email.... and that she saw where I was coming from - and that she could possibly see some of the things I was talking about.

I got the info today. My aunt has been put on medications and has more tests lined up for the next few coming weeks.

My cousin told me she's just losing her memory to the point its quite noticeable.

FUCK.

CRAP.

SHITHOLE.

I can't do this. Well I don't have to do anything I suppose....

I called my mom upset.

My mom told me that there isn't anything I can do and that I just have to be strong for the family.

WTF?

My mom, the mom that I really miss, use to be compassionate. I get that this is touchy subject. But your daughter just called you in tears, crying... just upset. I just wanted to hear my mom say she loved me, that this was crap - but that ... I just don't know. Then she was just silent. Like seriously mom - It kills me that my mom is acting like some stranger....

so now Im just twice as upset as I was.

I feel like my life is spiraling a bit out of control.

but I shouldn't complain. I am very lucky and fortunate in life and I hate complaining or sounding downtrodden when really life isn't all that bad and could be a lot worse.

But I miss my friends. My family seems so foreign to me... and school.. I'm just lost.

I think I need a vacation. hahaha... that isn't the answer - not at all - but I'd just love to escape reality for a while - get a deep breath and maybe a glimmer of what happiness is... because I'm starting to forget.

A letter a wrote to my mom but didn't give her.

2009-10-31T13:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom,

You have taught me a lot in life and for that I am very thankful. For years I have always looked up to you, even after I passed you in height! You have always been an incredibly kind and caring individual. Sure you can throw the best guilt trips ever, but I only fall for them because I desperately do not want to disappoint you. I always want to do the best I can do in life so that you will be pleased with me and proud. I have always strived to be the best person I can be in life to show you that I am thankful for all you have done for me in life.

There have definitely been some difficult times throughout life but you have always been there through thick and thin. Your faith has also shown me that it is important to have faith, and that it will help pull you through some of the most difficult times in life.

Every night I say prayers before going to bed, this is a routine if you will, that you instilled in me since I was a little girl. Each night I pray to be a better person. I pray to be more like you. To be more compassionate, kind and caring. To be blessed with patience and love.

That is why it absolutely kills me to no longer say such a prayer any more at nighttime. Lately I feel that you have been very deceitful. You have lied to me on several occasions, even when I confronted you and gave you the opportunity to set the record straight. You have never been one to lie, so now to no longer know when you are actually telling the truth is a horrifying feeling. You tell me that you tell me the things that you think that you want me to hear. However, I have told you time and time again I just want to hear the truth. I am starting to think that you are just telling me the things that you actually wish you were saying.

I feel that over the last few weeks and months we have been losing you. I miss my mother. You are still the same physical body as my mother, but I feel your attentions and decisions are a completely different person, not the mother I have known for the last 28 years of my life. You promised me that you were not going to do anything stupid and that no matter what your children come first. Then you tell me that you are tired of living your life for your family because that is what you have done your entire life and it is now time that you start living your life for yourself. You told me that you realized you were caught up in a whirlwind of emotions and that you realized things were moving too fast and that you need to slow down and back the relationship up. The following week I learn you are working on plans to get married. You met with individuals from the Catholic Church and have come to realize that getting everything prepared may take more time than you realized – so you think an acceptable alternative is to go to a justice of the peace or the united church to “get the deed done”.

Mom, I want you to be happy. I am happy you have found an individual who you enjoy spending time with. You and dad always said when we were growing up that if one of you were to pass the other was to not feel guilty about moving forward and finding another individual to spend your time with. I do not feel that you getting remarried means you are replacing my father. I feel violated. I feel that you have been deceitful. I feel that you are turning your back on your religion and on your family.

You are inviting him into our family. This is in no way a bringing together of two families. This is absolutely him joining our family – and maybe in the future this would be totally acceptable and fine – but right now I feel like you are forcing things upon the rest of the family. Especially with Laura – this has not been entirely fair to her. I repeat, I want you to be happy, and you a grown woman who can make her own choices – but the fact remains you are a mother. You do already have a family – you cannot just turn your back on us. I refuse to believe what truly makes you happy in life is making your children horribly miserable. The mother I know would want to ensure that her children were ok with her decisions in addition to herself.

There are so many things that just do not fit with this whole situation. It should not be an ultimatum, it should not be a choice between me and my siblings and this other man. Love is suppose to bring people together, not separate them. Marriage is to bring a couple together, and their families – not create a new family while alienating one that already exists.

The family dynamic is destined to change. That’s ok. It changed when dad died. I changed when Leo got married. It will change when I one day hopefully get married. It was also change if/when you get remarried. That is totally acceptable. But it should not be a ruining change. I know that I have not been the most pleasant through this experience – and I have heard you when you say that it is my own problem and that I have my own issues to deal with. I’m tired of trying to talk to you because you refuse to listen. You only hear what you think you hear. I have begged and pleaded with you to listen that all I ask is to be included, to be informed, to not be lied to. I’m tired of being made out to be a bitch who has issues with your boyfriend – because that proves you are not listening. I have attempted to reach out to him, he has not returned the gesture. He has treated my sister horribly – I’m sure he has also been very nice to her, but I have also witnessed some of the cruelest treatment, whether you think it was justified or not is beside the point. The fact that you sat there and joined him in the remarks being made towards Laura was absolutely disgusting and proved to me that you are another further step away from the mother I have loved my entire life. I do not want to mourn my mother while she is still alive – I just want my mother back. You have said I am your rock – and maybe at one point I was – but right now I don’t even feel like your friend. We use to be able to talk on the phone for hours even if we had just done the same thing the night before. Now I might talk to you once a week. There have been nights when I’m home, that we use to spend together – yet now you opt to hang out with your boyfriend over your own child. Yah that probably does make me jealous – but how can you blame me when I feel like my mother is being stolen away from me.

I love you mom. I want you to be happy. I’m fine with you being in a relationship. I’m upset that it seems like you are altering who you are for a man, and then claiming that this is how you are truly happy. I’ve seen you happy before, so please don’t try to pull that one with me. I’m upset that you feel the need to lie. I’m upset that you are just going forth and doing what you want and not considering others in your family. Yes in the end it is your decision, but turning your back on your religion and family is against everything that you have ever stood for.

I miss you. I love you. Please come back.

Procrastination Blog! - Update

2009-09-29T12:47:00.001-07:00

I should be writing my scholarship applications at the moment, especially since the due dates are definitely fast approaching!!!

But instead - I shall blog.

This weekend is looking like a happy weekend.... hopefully one in which I am able to be productive as well.

Friday marks the annual KGB (Kinesiology Graduate Board) golf tournament. Being an exec member I help run the event. After a day on the golf course (and thus a day out of the lab/office) we host a BBG & Kegger.

I have become privy to the information however that Maggie will be in town on Friday night at Kevin and his band will be playing at the good ole Spoke. I say the good ole Spoke and pretty much mean it. A few years ago the reconstructed the Spoke from a bar into a student lounge area. Although people were upset at this change at first, some maybe still, I didn't mind the lounge and spent some time there myself. However, over the summer the converted the Spoke BACK into a bar, complete with a new outdoor patio. Must be nice to have money just floating around. Anyway - Maggie's boyfriend's band will be playing there - and I look forward to attending that.

Hopefully John & Ashley, and Jen & Mark will be in town to go too! John & Ashley are planning on being in Toronto on the weekend, so they may have already taken off by then. Jen & Mark are actually coming to London for a wedding on Saturday - and maybe with the news of Maggie being in London on Friday night they will come Friday too!

Sharon & Rafa will be most notably absent from the festivities. Definitely have missed them a lot since they have journeyed up north to embark on new adventures.

I just really look forward to seeing some friends I do not get to see often. Its been a rough road lately so a few good laughs are always a good way to recoup.

Hopefully in the near future I will also get to see Aine and Lesley. There has been talk about going to Octoberfest on October 16th - so if anyone is interested let me know.

Additionally, with the pending vows between Jos & Barry I hope to be able to visit them in Ottawa!!!! (its been way overdue!).

I wouldn't mind also getting out to Halifax to see Danielle too.

In about 30 minutes I'm off to a recruitment session to inform undergraduates about the wonderland of grad school!!! Might be entertaining.

Especially considering this morning, there were.. ummm.... I believe 6 of us (I think 4 master students and 2 phd students) staring at labview (computer program), a function generator and an oscilloscope attempting to run a few trials that should take the average person (note, a person who knows exactly what they are doing) 17 minutes to do... we were there approximately 3 hours.

The hold up was definitely because we had a setting for one of the buttons on the oscilloscope wrong..... it was one of those "uh... duh.... oooohhh" moments. One that I could discuss further but I'll refrain from comments at this time.

On another note (I just heard some people cheering in the pool.. which is beside my office)... I am currently on three sports teams. I am on a city team for ultimate frisbee on Monday nights - so far we've played two games and won two games. I am on a school rec league for ultimate frisbee on Wednesday nights, also undefeated (first game is this Wednesday), and a school rec volleyball team on Sundays, in which we have had one opponent and we won! So definitely trying to be active, and trying to remember to take time away from other things in life and clear my head - it is definitely nice having winning records though. Hey Mark - see how many ultimate teams I'm on now - I'm working my way up to national champ status!! Ok - not going to happen.... but I am a 2 ranking now of 10... which is better than a 1!! Once I know a few more rules and tricks I move up yet another level! hahaha.

Hope everyone is well....

words to live by.

2009-09-21T20:27:00.001-07:00

Its been awhile

I'm sorry

Life has definitely been full of a lot of curve balls lately.

The last few days have been interesting.

I won a Canada-wide award at a conference that was being held in Quebec based on written work and an oral presentation among graduate students - it was pretty exciting.

I also had my first publication with me as a first author! Totally exciting.

But I also got a review back for a project in which the reviewer told me that I need to learn how to write a sentence because I apparently have no clue.

What I have been trying to teach myself is how to dwell on the positive and not the negative - teaching myself how to let the bad stuff roll of your shoulder like water.

I just watched a commercial

It was featuring a baseball player and it was about how he had been cut from a team, and how he struck out many times.

The most important thing however was that he didn't walk away although he wanted too - he kept going back to the plate.

Words to live by.

The calm before the storm?

2009-07-06T07:15:00.000-07:00

There have been wonderful things that have taken place since I last wrote.... for example...

Sharon finished Law School - bard and all!

Jos & Barry got ENGAGED!!!

Carissa & Jason got married.

I completed my training to be an occurrence investigator - which is extremely cool.

I started writing a book... I know right - me? a) like I have time and b) me... write?

I went to my first IMAX movie (it was Transformers II with Zahra!)

I was elected the CFO/VP Finance for Kin Council

Celebrated Canada Day at Sharon's with some friends present....

.....

But I suppose I do not often enough think to blog when happy things happen... but rather use this as a way to get thoughts out of my head and feel like I'm telling my friends (and I suppose a stranger or two) these thoughts so they know what is going on in my crazy head.

The next month is going to be..... stressful.

I have my comps in a month. So over the next month I have to study my butt off.

The sad thing is right before I write Sharon, with Talon and Wyatt (and eventually Rafa) will be leaving London to travel a distance.. and I don't mean they are moving to Toronto, I could handle that... I mean much further away - and the thought of that is full of mixed emotions. I'm excited that they are embarking on this opportunity - I'm just really sad it has to be so far away. They may as well be in Cuba! hahaha - except in Cuba if I got the opportunity to visit it would be much much warmer! haha.

Anyway - I'm stressed about these comps.

I keep being told that it is an exciting time... and granted fine - it is - a chance to learn material I otherwise would not get the opportunity to learn, its a month where I get to actually study - I will never be given that much time again.. etc.... I get all that - doesn't make the task any less daunting.

To make matters worse - I think it is setting in the fact that my dad.. is gone, and not coming back.

My mom has a "friend". She claims him only to be a friend - and I believe her - but you never know where things might go from here.

He, in less than a two week period, has met, well my mom, my sister, my aunt, my uncle, my grandmother!!! He apparently is a nice guy. I think that he will be a good friend for my mom to have - but because of other characteristics I suppose you could call them, I am hesitant to believe that it will turn out to be any more than that.

I had to tell my mom though last night that I am not willing to meet him until after my comps. Not to sound selfish - but I just cannot handle that right now.

I asked about my sister's response to meeting him and she said "mom, I think he is a really nice guy, but now I have to accept that dad is really gone and not coming back".... which killed me and made some realizations come to light for me.

I don't want to have to fight it all off - but I cannot lose it right now and deal with it all - I need to study - I'm already behind on my study schedule (which started yesterday).. and I cannot afford to fall any further behind (as I type a blog, not part of study schedule! hahaha).

I think this next month is going to be one of the hardest ones I've had to endure.

But I will survive and "be a better person for it".

I wanna be a toys-r-us kid

2009-05-30T14:01:00.000-07:00

I don't want to write this.
I don't want people, my friends, to know what I am thinking because I feel like I'm being horribly selfish. The world doesn't revolve around me.... everyone has their own problems to deal with... and I just want to be positive and happy and look for the good things in life. People want to hang out with happy people - not the other way around.

A few weeks back Jen came to visit. I was so happy to see her. She makes me so proud. She is doing so much with her life and is such an incredible individual. I wish I could be more like her. The first night she was in town we actually went to a gathering for another friends birthday. To be honest I don't usually like going to this yearly event. Having Jen there, as well as Carly and Becky, I didn't feel so alienated - the best day was the following day. We decided to walk to Starbucks. Which turned into a walk to campus. Which turned into a 3 hour walk. I enjoyed it. We then went (via car) to four different grocery stores! One was the co-op where Ashley has been doing her thesis work - I've never been to co-op before, it was really interesting. Back at my apartment Jen and I then made dinner.... including these awesome cupcakes, and had a few other people over, John, Ashley, Carly, Carissa, and Jason. We ate, we drank (wine and BLENDER DRINKS!), and we played games - It was the nicest night I had had in some time.
Sadly Sharon could not attend. But thankfully not too long after she hosted a little event at her house. As it turns out - a lot of freaking people were born in the month of May!!!! Sharon also finished law school. Another friend who has fought the odds thrown at her in life, and has shown above all these odds. I am also very proud of Sharon and all that she does and has become. Sharon invited a bunch of people to the home of her and Rafa and their family - they hosted a scavenger hunt. I'll be honest I was reluctant to do this at first - but after two hours of running around a city I wasn't all that familiar with - it was fun and was an interesting adventure. Thanks Sharon! I hope everyone else had fun.
That was my first scavenger hunt. My second one was suppose to be over the long weekend with Jen in the St. Catherine's area. However, due to circumstances it didn't happen - well not this year at least.
Instead I got to hang out with Aine and Lesley for the long weekend!! Two more friends that have accomplished a lot so far in their lives and whom I am proud of. I have been so lucky to have such great friends in Jen, Sharon, Aine and Lesley!! It was decided that we, as well as Simone, were going to jump into Lesley's car, well we didn't literally jump - I personally stepped in one foot/leg at at a time.... and drove to Lake Placid NY. What a beautiful area. The main reason for going, other than just a weekend away, was to go white water rafting. I was so scared to do so - but it is definitely not as dangerous as I had originally imagined - in fact it is a ton of fun and I can't wait to have the opportunity to go again! We also went hiking, this one mountain - when we got to the submit - we were surrounded by ice and snow... in May! hahaha. Definitely cold. We also went mini-putting or putt-putt golf (goes by many names)... I really enjoy mini-putt.... my favourite time though was the afternoon after my thesis defense. My mom and Nana had come to watch my defense. I had learned the year prior that my Nana had never gone mini-putting more golfing before. So it was really important to me that we did so. I was awesome and my Nana was pretty freaking good~ although that is not too surprising if you know my Nana. Lake Placid NY was a really beautiful area - and I do reccommend it as a getaway locale if someone was looking for a place to go.

I really miss my friends. Don't get me wrong - I've made some awesome new friends in London - but Jen, Aine, Lesley and Sharon will always be really special to me and it kills me that I don't get to see them more often. We live in different cities, Sharon is about to move even further away!, and everyone has their own lives, jobs/school, new friends, family obligations, etc... I've stated before that I'm so proud of each and everyone of them.
But it sucks.
This is the selfish part.

I just feel so distant. I know that this is my fault. And I don't just meant he girls above - they are just the four that I wish I got to see every day - or talk to everyday.... not to offend other people in my lives - because there are a lot of people I miss.
... and feel distant from.

I have received some amazing compliments from academics lately - which is nice - the unfortunate part is that I so far dont' have funding for next year and that is stressing me out immensely - but at least I know that it makes sense that I'm trying to be an academic because if other academics recognize I have talent I must not be wasting my time.... or theirs.

I think right now that I just happen to be in a rut - and its times like these especially you wish you had your friends around. You also realize when you don't understand inside jokes that maybe you definitely don't see people as much as you would like. Or that if you don't call/text/email people it would be a long time before any contact. I could do better too though - I don't call/text/email as frequently as I should. It just sucks. I just miss being able to finish my friend's sentences, or them knowing what I'm thinking without my having to say anything, or just having them around and thus not feeling so distant or lonely.

But I am so lucky because I have some of the greatest friends in the world. I can't even explain how amazing they are - I just love them so much.... maybe too much... hahaha. I just miss them - and I think that when I moved from Windsor to London (thus 2+ hours closer) I just expected that I'd see them a lot more frequently - but then again we all do still have lives - I get busy too (many just school stuff)... but it happens - its no one's fault... I just hate growing up - but I love it at the same time because I just keep getting to see/hear about all the wonderful things my friends are doing! :D

Celebrate Life

2009-05-09T09:29:00.001-07:00

If you are not single, recall moments in which you were.
Did you ever see an individual of the opposite sex and think - hmm - thats an interesting person... I wonder if one day we will end up dating, falling madly in love and getting married? I have. Doesn't usually go that way though - well at least the story has yet to be written. I have also become friends with several individuals that I never imagined I would - individuals who just seemed so cool and awesome that I thought there was no way they'd end up being my friend - but they have.

Have you ever said something - and had the best of all intentions upon the statement, and then ended up dreading those words? I haven't had that situation happen to me lot - and definitely not to any degree that left me full of guilt.

Thursday night was a really nice night. The air was warm, the sky was clear - spring was most definitely upon the citizens of the area - A local man in the small rural area where my mom now dwells has helped his parents run the local diner, and recently has taken it on as his own business. I have had many interactions with him and always thought he was really nice, hard working, a family man if you will (meaning family meant a lot to him although at the age of 30 he had yet to have his own). As I do not know many people in the area my mom dwells, he was one of the individuals that I had told myself that one day through our interactions maybe I'd see if he'd want to grab a beer or something. Thursday night he had hockey practice. He was discussing with the other cook at the restaurant if he should take his bike (motorcycle) or car to practice that night. She exclaimed that it was a beautiful night may as well get out and enjoy the bike.

I have thought to myself since his outing as to how this is possible. Every time Greg, my roommate, has gone to play hockey he has his huge bag of hockey stuff. I've carried it a time or two, ok, I carried his hockey sticks, he carried the bag, but nonetheless - its heavy - so there is no way you could have that on a bike - so I assume he was going with no equipment. That still makes me ponder.

Well... on this Thursday night at 11pm, someone ran a red light. The investigation is still open as to whether it was the lone female driver of a car, or my friend on the bike. I have never been a fan of motorcycles, but my friend Blake once took me for a ride, and I learned a lot and came to appreciate bikes in a different light. Unfortunately, the fact of the matter is - if you are involved in a motor vehicle accident - chances are if you are on a bike - its not going to go well for you. Friday morning, after being rushed to the hospital my friend passed away.

I know how it has upset my family. Each of us knowing him, and his parents, for we saw them every week, almost. I cannot even begin to imagine the grief his family and much closer friends are going through. I've been through grief before - I've had to say my goodbyes many times before, but I'm simply at a loss on this one.

The thing that makes me smile though. My friend Sharon is having people over at her house, there are actually probably people arriving there as I type (which means I know I should get off the computer and get my butt there, but there have been a few things I've needed to take care of today at my mothers, so I'm running a bit behind).... I have several friends who were born in May. The idea is to have a bunch of people together to just celebrate. To celebrate birthdays. To celebrate the fact that Sharon kicked law schools butt. To celebrate being with friends and family. To celebrate mother's day for all the mother's in the crowd. To celebrate life.

I have not enjoyed my birthday. It is typically not a joyous occasion for me - but if I have learned anything in the last two days with this tragic tragic incident - is that birthdays are not about the fact that we are one year older - and get older each year - its not about age, or a number.... its about celebrating life.

You do not need a birthday as an excuse to celebrate.... just if you get a chance... stop, smell the roses.... do a silly dance as if no one is watching.... tell someone a joke, even if its not that funny.... just breathe, smile, and celebrate life.

tired of being labelled the bitch

2009-04-05T16:44:00.000-07:00

I should be studying and preparing for what may actually be my last two weeks as a student in coursework (I say may actually be, because it was recently suggested to me that I take some undergraduate courses... although I understood the reasoning for such a statement, I feel very uneasy about being the process of attaining my Ph.D. and enrolling in a undergraduate course, especially when often times I could be handed the textbook, be told to read it, and then teach the class.... hopefully I can just read the textbook!).....
I started to multi-task however.
There is a movie on t.v. tonight entitled "The 'R' word". It may actually be more of a documentary type viewing. My mom has to take my sister bowling tonight so she will not be home to view it and asked if I could do so for her. Of course I can!
The sometimes non-productive part about multi-tasking is that the focus that should be placed on the primary task, studying, becomes completely abandoned. This is what occurred moments a go.
So the movie on t.v. is about the difficulties some individuals and their families have faced when one has a disability.
Obviously, sometimes I can relate.

This weekend I was home. I took a shift at the bank on Friday - and ended up staying at my mom's longer than intended do to a horrible headache that had me seeing spots when I stood (therefore probably not a smart decision to drive).
My mom also happened to be working this weekend so in the end it was helpful to her that I stayed so that someone was around for my sister.
My sister probably was not even aware I was home as she spent almost every waking moment on the telephone. Meh - if that is what she wants to do, thats fine with me. I had a headache anyway and couldn't exactly convince her to get off the phone to go for a walk if I couldn't get off the couch myself.

The part about the relationship between me and my sister that truly bothers me - is that I get labelled as the bitch. I do. I honestly try to be a good person in life - but every time I go home I get reminded of just how horrible of a person I am.
I'd like to argue this point for a moment.
Although I don't disagree that the label I have been given as the "bitch of the family" is not uncalled for - I do not feel it is just.
My mom for years has told me about how she has just given up - how she has no fight left in her and it is just easier to give in because her fighting doesn't seem to make a difference any way.
One issue with my sister is her craftiness for lying.
I catch her in lies all the time.
I'll ask her if she just lied to me and she will swear she hasn't.
She learned that if she said "I'm not lying" that people backed off and believed her. Well that stopped working so now she's saying "I'm being honest" or "I'm telling the truth, why don't you believe me". She tried these on me this weekend, and I laughed calling her bullshit. I'll sit down with her and walk her through the steps... and by the last step she has admitted that the first one was a lie... "but she didn't mean to lie" <-- thats the newest she drafted this weekend!
Every time she gets caught though - she starts crying.
Which of course makes me feel like a horrible person - but wait a second - I am not the one that lied - and she lies about the silliest things - and I explain to her every time that I just need to know the information - if she just tells me the truth to begin with then she won't get in any trouble. Its not the information I get upset over, it is the fact that she lies. And every time she tells me she understands - and I know she does - she is a lot smarter than people give her credit for - and meknowing this and not putting up with her crap is what influences people thinking I'm such a bitch.
Anyway - so the part that bothers me - is that I shouldn't have to be labelled the bitch - but I feel like I'm actually the only person who gives a flying f$#k .. and as a result I am the bitch. My mom just gives up - unless I pretty much give my mom a lecture about how this is not acceptable behaviour for my sister.. and my mom then goes and talks with my sister.
WHY AM I THE PARENT?
Thats my issue.
I am the YOUNGEST in this family - yet have to always shoulder all the crap that goes on - and I get put down and ragged upon every step of the way. I'm the bitch. I'm the irresponsibly child who denies real life expectations by staying in school so I can "party more". I'm the greedy one. I'm the one with the attitude problem.
Maybe I am bitch. Maybe I do have an attitude problem. But maybe - just maybe I'm the only one who gives a damn to put up a fight for this family. I've been a told a few times that I'm the rock that holds things together in the family - but two seconds later get criticized for doing so.

I'm getting tired. I just want to be the sister, the daughter. I don't want to have to explain to my older sister why her actions are wrong. I don't want to be the one my sister is fearful of because I'm the only one who will discipline her - because she knows her tricks don't work on me.

I know my sisters time is limited - so why don't I get to enjoy time with her? When she passes I'm going to feel SO GUILTY that I didn't spend enough time being her sister. Every time I go home I keep this in mind - but it doesn't take long until she does something unacceptable and I try to let it slide - but then she just keeps pressing to see how much she can get away with.... and I just can't let her rule the world like that... and I get that I could totally be wrong and I should just let her go wild... because its harmless right? Unfortunately not everything she does is harmless...

And now I feel so guilty for wanting people to understand my position. I know that my sister has a ridiculously hard hand dealt to her in life - and I really have nothing to complain about in life - I have been so ridiculously blessed - but I have to tell you - I'm really tired.

2009-03-30T12:33:00.000-07:00

At the beginning of 2009, as with many starts to a new calendar year, people think about what they hope the new year will bring. Personally I had hoped for 2009 to be a year of happiness, health, and safety for my friends and family. I was hoping that it would be a year of joyous celebrations - not ones of death, or sickness. So far these hopes have been mediocre at best.
2009 has not been a lost cause though. First of all, we are only a day away from finishing the 3rd month of the year. Although it absolutely blows my mind that we are almost in April, as I do not know where the time has gone, it does provide hope as there is obviously many more months in the year to make 2009 a very good year. Above and beyond this though, I find that 2009 has been, personally, a year of self-reflection and growth. It was not an intentional plan... but I think it has been beneficial.

Now for a story about a pebble.

Recently, on the way to a volleyball game, I was turning my car around in the parking lot when my power steering decided to stop working. This was not an enjoyable experience, especially since manually turning a steering wheel is tough work, made only more difficult by an injured rotator cuff (shoulder muscles). I knew that the time to bring my car in for its semi-annual was approaching, so it did not bother me all that much to have to bring my car into the shop. I requested the semi-annual check-up and attention to be given to the power steering. After dropping off the car on a fairly warm Wednesday morning, I headed to school. Five minutes prior to the start of a class I received a phone call. It was the car shop on the other end of the line. They informed me that the breaks and steering column would need to be replaced. The cost was going to approach $1000.00. I hadn't not planned for this in my budget. However, if it needed to be done so I could drive my car - I said for them to go ahead and I would figure out the finances. I was sick to my stomach almost all day with this news. Finally, near dinner time I received a call that my car was ready. When I went to the customer service counter I was given a bill for almost $2000.00!!! I went through a daze trying to figure out if I was going to faint or puke. Turns out that my breaks had to be replaced, the steering column needed to be replaced, the rotors had to be replaced, the tires were suggested to be replaced (but thankfully held off), plus a bunch of other things. Ummm.... my car is fairly new... WTF? My mechanic first of all let me gain a little more stable ground when he reduced the price back to what was quoted to me on the phone (thank goodness for waranties!) and then started to tell me that every once in a while they see something that is so rare in occurrence it is considered a "freak episode". Lucky Me. Oh yah - so lucky, that I managed to get a pebble stuck between my rotor and my break pads, causing a grove to be made, thus causing stress on the other break. The friction and stress ended up breaking the clasps. The tires as a result were affected. Of course a chain reaction of events followed until my steering column was compromised causing the powering steering to disengage.. thus allerting my attention to something being wrong with my car.
So thanks to a pebble, which by the way I never got to see or keep, my car had over $2000.00 in repairs!
Whoever said technology was a good thing? haha

lost.... but not on an island

2009-03-17T17:18:00.000-07:00

Its St. Patrick's Day.

I wore green. A green shirt. Its actually a really nice green shirt - I think some of my friends would be impressed with me.

I had a 12+ hour day today - I'm tired.

I just ate some pizza that I ordered and barely through the neck of a bottle of beer that I opened an hour ago.

I'm tired, my tummy hurts (my own fault)... and I don't know if these are factors as to why I just feel horrible - that I want to crumble... and possibly cry.

I had a very up and down weekend. I was at a conference. Some moments were great - and others made me want to hide under a rock - or was left trying to figure out how on earth someone let me into a Ph.D. program..... and what my reasons for continuing are.

there are a lot of drunk people screaming outside of my door. I saw a lot of drunk people on campus today too. Not surprising. I'm actually impressed I cracked open a beer... a little disappointed but not surprised that I've barely touched it.

You know when you get "bad" news its feels like someone punched you in the stomach. I feel like that right now.

I can't even say I have 100% justification for it. I did read something that took me by surprise - I could take it in a positive light -- however, I'm leaning more the other way and thinking that its just not something I saw coming -- but then again I think I may have... and have just been coming up with other reasons to be the logical explanation -- I know that makes no sense - you'll just have to trust me.

I'm very happy for the people/friends I've met since moving back to London - but I have to be honest - I'm really missing me good/close friends. I want to say that I just want to go out and party and have a good time - but I think a much larger part of me just wants to curl up on a couch beside them and bawl my eyes out.

Oh well - I'm sure that this is just a down part on the rollercoaster - in the next day or two I'll cheer up - things will appear back on track..... for now - i'll just focus on school work and pray that the other things in my life - that I long for work out.

procrastination is necessary for productivity

2009-03-04T09:28:00.000-08:00

Some days I wonder (while I should be working and not mindlessly pondering the ways of the world, hoping my work will do itself), if I could even survive in the "real world". When I have an 8am class or schedule a meeting at that time, I manage to get out of bed and be at school on time. Its the days where I (conveniently) do not schedule anything before 3pm where I have an issue rolling out of bed at the time I set my alarm for.
So I question if I had a regular 9-5 job if it would become routine and I'd be able to go each day. If were able to do this, would I actually be productive during this 9-5 time slot - or would I have time to surf the web, play sudoku/solitaire/crosswords/etc..., go for coffee breaks (coffee breaks tend to increase rapidly during tim hortons roll of the rim to win season), walk around to see what everyone else is doing, etc... I think its an art to fill your day with things that you are constantly doing yet only manage to produce about 5 minutes of real work! MAYBE thats what a CEO does! hmmm......
On days when I don't have to go to school in the morning (ok, the days I choose not to go to scohol in the morning), I do sit in front of my computer... sometimes I actually do school work, but a 85% of the time also have the television on. I enjoy when the clock strikes noon. Channel 47 = Family Feud.
I take pride, and consider it a great accomplishment, when in the final round I get at least 3 of 5 number one answer! Which is actually 6 of 10 as a goal (sadly that is only 60% which is not a psasing grade in grad school) as I watch two episodes!
So when I have a meeting with my advisor and he asks me what work I've done this week - and I rapidly try to think of something to tell him that makes it seem like I was doing work - a little thought bubble really does appear over my head that says "I got 4 of the 5 number one answers yesterday in family feud - does that count as work?"

I have been lacking a lot of motivation lately - just haven't been able to convince myself to do much work - but last week I was actually RIDICULOUSLY productive (ok that may be in comparison to the baseline of nothing I created lately).. and this week, although a tad bit behind the productivity of last week I'm still doing pretty good - so YAH ME!

next halloween - incredible hulk.

2009-02-02T22:09:00.000-08:00

Anger.

I realized today on the bus to school that I really am consumed with a lot of anger.

It was an odd revelation to have on the bus this morning.

Then, later in the day I was conversing with my friend Blake on the phone as I was returning home on the bus - the same topic came up.

So I realized I have a lot of anger right now. Not necessarily towards anyone in particular - but rather due to a lot of things that have happened in life.

Before I continue with my next thought - I'd like to make a note that I am very blessed in life. I am incredibly fortunate. I was raised by parents who loved me and taught me right from wrong. I have siblings that I have some good memories with, and whom have taught me to be a stronger person. I have the world's greatest friends. I have an education, clothes, food, a place to live, etc... I am very fortunate in life.

One of my "new years resolutions" was to have more fun in life.
Figuring out that I'm angry - probably means if I rid myself of anger maybe I can have more fun.
So - how do I get rid of my anger.
I don't know.
More importantly - do I want to rid myself of anger?
Well, yes.... but absolutely not.
Yes - for obvious reasons - people definitely prefer to be full of love and happy thoughts over anger.
Absolutely not - due to fear.
The thought occurred to me, that, if I some how manage to rid the anger in my life that I will be overwhelmed with how empty I'll feel and that the loneliness I already feel will multiply (if thats possible).

When conversing with Blake - he told me how it reminded him of this person who every time he releases his anger he grows in size, turns green and ruins clothing. Which he said was ok at first - but really - you should only have so many jean shorts in your wardrobe before it gets to be a problem... so thats not the way to go.

So in other words - I shouldn't be the incredible hulk - even if green is a pretty colour - and instead just keep bottling up my anger! hahahaha.

these are a few of my favourite things..

2009-01-13T11:07:00.000-08:00

Happy 2009!
I've been thinking about what I might write as my first post of 2009 - one that would detail the happenings of the holidays. There are many things I think I could share - but that would be a long post - rather I wish to just right some things that are what I like to refer to as "magic moments"... moments that are treasurable, interactions that make you smile. There were a lot of happenings since my last post - so the magic moments that I make note of - are above and beyond that of being in the presence of friends and family, as those are situations in which in my opinion there is no better.

Christmas:
My brother's wife... hehehe - I just like calling her his wife. My sister-in-law really wanted to go out and do something. She and my brother had gone shopping two days in a row; so had my sister for that matter, but separately. Although my sister would shop any and every day - my mother and I have not highly favoured shopping on our "things to do" list. I actually do not recall who's idea this was originally - but we decided to go bowling. I'll be honest, I was totally a 15 year old girl when this idea came forth - I really didn't want to go bowling. I love bowling - but I don't think I've ever gone with every individual of my family. I had never seen my father or my mother bowl. My sister being in Special Olympics bowling, I had seen her skills a multitude of times - and I personally have enjoyed bowling with friends.
However, we went. We went 5 pin bowling at that! I was not thrilled, as it is so much more difficult to 5 pin bowl than 10. My brother almost instantly criticized me as I was bowling with my left hand. For the most part I do a lot of things right handed - I'd consider myself a right handed individual. However, there are a few things that I do left-handed. For example: using chopsticks, miniputting, shuffling cards, and of course, bowling. Thankfully, a few frames in my brother accepted that I was a left hand bowler. He was a little rough on me and Elise though - as the two of us were quite obviously the worst bowlers there. In our defense, neither of us could recall the last time we went 5 pin bowling! Eventually my brother actually became nice... he started giving us pointers - which actually really improved my game... possible bonding moment - maybe - . My brother's bowling style really stung my mother. She told me, that his bowling style, which is unique in its own right, was actually not so unique. Although none of us have ever seen my father bowl, as the last time he bowled was when my mother was pregnant with my brother, Leo's style mirrored that of my father. Bowling style linked to genetics? Totally a thesis title if I've ever heard one? hahaha - any takers? My mother on the other hand - schooled us all. Although she bowled once last year, before that it had probably not been since she was pregnant with my brother. Let me tell you though - this lady can bowl!!! Maybe I convince her to join a league???

New Years:
What a wonderful way to bring in the New Year then having a bunch of people standing outside in the cold, most not in proper winter wear, roasting a pig! No seriously - a lot of people came together, and although some people's traditions in the room were different than others - it was really nice. My favourite moment though can shortly after the 2009 countdown. Minutes into the new year several individuals were bopping around Sharon and Rafa's living room - singing, drinking, laughing, enjoying themselves. I was fortunate enough to be sitting in a chair that made me privy to a different variety of viewpoints. One, was directly in front of me. Wow - wasn't that a line of genius! Anyway - Olivia, Sharon's brother's daughter just became so overwhelmed with excitement - she was singing, dancing, laughing, and just thrilled. It was just awesome to watch her for a few moments.

Jen and Mark's Wedding:
Their wedding is a novel in and of itself. Lots of people once again gathered together to celebrate. In the receiving line, and throughout the night as I would try so hard to mingle with people, and the days following, I asked several individuals what some of their favourite moments were. Jen's dress, the speeches, the ceremony in general, the food... all popular answers. Although - many of these things were outstanding - mine differs. I was very excited to see Jen walk down the aisle. I had once again a fantastic viewpoint. However, I had the best viewpoint for another "picture". I took a few moments to watch my best friend walk down the aisle with her father, and then I did what I knew few others were probably also doing. I looked at Mark. The expressions and the emotions that Mark was showing the world during those few moments were precious - and my favourite. He was so overcome with joy, nerves, excitement, love.... it was amazing. I've known Mark for a while, and I have believed that he was a good match for Jen - but at that moment, it totally sealed it - not that I had any doubts - but Jen was right for Mark, Mark was right for Jen (or I should say "is" and not was).... it was a moment of purity.

Close runner up - this really doesn't have much to do with the wedding persay - but it was something that kept making me smile. The best man, was so kind to offer to hold my flowers and shawl several times through out the night. Each time he took my flowers though - each and every time, he'd smell them. It wasn't a burden for him to hold them, it wasn't embarrasing - actually there was a time when I was standing next to him and he'd slightly lean over and smell the flowers! I liked those moments.

Today:
One of my favourite moments, almost each day at school... is when I stop off at Tim Hortons near my building. I often have the same lady. She just makes me smile. I truly enjoy our interactions with each other. I have yet to not walk away from there after chatting with her without a smile on my face.

that is what I hope for everyone - to have those moments. Those things in their day that help to make them smile. Often times it is the little things - the things that sometimes may get overlooked.

I had something else to type/share - but I'm out of time... I have a meeting - so my apologies.

I belong in a crazy house! hahaha

2008-12-07T14:41:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to pretend to know what happens after we die. I've been raised to believe that there is a heaven - but I don't really know. For all I know if you are buried in the ground - you slowly physiologically break down and I guess become part of the ground....well actually that is what happens.. haha - but I suppose I mean more the spiritual aspect of things.
I know some of you aren't religious - and to be honest with you - you may think this is a stupid post - one full of nonsense - but I don't care, no offense, but I don't. I don't write this for you. I don't write this for anyone but myself.
I've been slowly "falling apart" lately. Maybe its just all the change and stress I've gone through in the last few months that I'm just so overwhelmed...that things were bound to start surfacing.
Whenever I'm stressed with school, or trying to figure some aspect of my life, my mom always tells me to talk to my dad and ask him to help me out.
I use to laugh at first and tell my mom that maybe my dad is too busy chatting with all the other people that have died that we've known that he just hasn't had time to look back down after us. Or maybe my mom, sister, and brother have just needed him so much more and he just figured I would survive on my own.
But lately I've been wondering if he's mad at me. Sounds silly right? But growing up there were times when I hated that man. I wished him to leave me alone. I told my mom to leave him and get a divorce. I prayed/wished for him to die. Yah well - I guess several years later - when my dad and I finally started getting to know each other and things were better than when I was younger - I got what I had wished for. And maybe he now knows of these thoughts - which I'm sure many teenagers have thought in their day about their parents - and he doesn't want to help me.
Or maybe I'm beyond help. I'm tired, I'm scared, I'm lonely, and I'm sad. Those are horrible things for me to say because I have a life that so many other people would do anything for, and instead of that making want to live my life than for everything that its worth - it just makes me feel worse.
My advisor told me that I am not allowed to do any academic work over the holidays (which begins in a few short days for me!)... sit to relax - hahaha - I told my mom that and she remarked "well he doesn't know you very well now does he?... you don't know how to relax... and if you don't have work to do you're going to crash and be so sick...." that would be bad because Jen gets married over the holidays - and I'm not missing that because I'm laying in some hospital bed. No sir.

I'm sorry - I didn't mean to sound crazy. I know I do though. hahaha - I'm writing a huge paper right now - its due tomorrow.... and I've written final exams - so I'm just overtired I think... and needing some fun... actual fun, real fun.... fun that just makes you laugh and smile.

do you search for a soul with a flashlight?

2008-11-18T17:02:00.001-08:00

I've had to do a lot of reflection lately.

Actually the whole semester through.

In my qualitative research course we have been taught the importance of reflexivity. It is important to understand your role as a researcher and how that will affect a study.

I have also had to consider my position in certain group situations - acknowledge when something is worth battling for - recognizing when its ok to just step back and let things be. On my first grade report card my teacher wrote that "Paula is a perfectionist. She is still young, but it is clear that this is a trait she possesses.".. or something close to that effect. I suppose I do like having control of a situation. Well - not all situations - but when I have a vested interest - then I suppose that I do.

Today though - I had a reflection placed upon my plate that I may have guessed was coming eventually - but definitely was hoping would not come to be. I had a meeting with my advisor today - one of the topics was courses for next semester. I technically only need one more course to meet Ph.D. requirements - however, my advisor thinks that its always a good idea to take more classes. Although I don't disagree - I am tired - which makes me wonder if I made the right decision to continue in school. I think the reasoning behind me being tired however is that I have not had a break since Feb. 2006. I have endured A LOT since then. Unfortunately because of some situations in that time by masters took me right up until the time in which I had to move to london - actually - I still have some manuscripts hanging over my head! Regardless - I believe, I truly believe that I'm suppose to be in London. As challenging as the change has been for me - I do know that it is right.

I told my advisor I would like to take more courses that are actually of interest to me - as all my courses that "count" have been stats - and well he wants me to take another one or two next term (you can never have enough stats!... yippee!). This began a conversation as to what courses would fit my likings. My problem is that I'm interested in a variety of areas. Thats a problem because well - I need to narrow my focus - this is essential for finding my place in academics, writing successful grants, and well... attaining employment!!! This is the part that has my upset... overwhelmed.. I don't know how to narrow my interests - but I suppose that is because I actually don't know what I want to do. I've emailed a few profs to ask where they see the field going - what jobs might be available.... but possibly ask them to give me the answer. Obviously I can't allow that to happen - this is something I need to figure out on my own. What do I want to do??? Although scary.... I suppose its exciting - I have the chance to maybe create a new realm - to be the "founder" of something great! I can create the future rather than just be a follower.

oh me - oh my.... I'm tired. I have lots of papers and assignments to do though so I should probably stop procrastinating and get my butt in gear! vroom vroom.

You got me garlic toast? I can't accept this

2008-10-24T17:50:00.001-07:00

so....

my birthday has passed..... but apparently that doesn't matter to some. haha.

Lesley visited briefly last week. She brought a gift from her and Aine - I was able to give Lesley her gift too!!! Anyway - because I've been trying to go to the gym more often than the past (which was hardly ever....) they thought it would provide me with some entertainment - the musical kind - so that I could possibly be more entertained and inspired/motivated to continue on - they were so generous that they got me an ipod shuffle - I just have such a hard time imagining that they would get me such a pricey gift! Unknown to them - I actually already had an ipod nano - I got it free with my macbook!!! I had considered getting an ipod shuffle though because I like that it can easily clip on to your clothes - and thus you don't have to carry it!!! However, there are straps and stuff that you can buy for the pod nano - so they gave me the gift receipt and I may just trade it in for accessories or something.

Last night, Sharon, Rafa, Talon, Wyatt, John and Ashley came over to my apartment. They brought pumpkins - it was fun cleaning them out and carving them. Well - Talon wasn't exactly pleased that you have to clean out a pumpkin before carving it - he thought it was pretty gross - worthy of passing out or throwing up - I had no worries with that because I absolutely love cleaning out pumpkins! Talon carved in a scary face. Rafa... his carvings changed through out, it was an interesting process - but he ended up with a yankee doodle dandy pumpkin of sorts, John did a lovely Lion, and I - well - mine was also a process - I was going to do the moosehead moose - but realized the pumpkin wasn't the right shape - but I had started drawing with permanent marker - so I cut out what I had to decide hat I could transform it into from that point... well let me tell you - I think I have the most scary of scary pumpkin carvings one has ever seen! Thats right folks - I carved a peacock into my pumpkin! hahaha

Before the pumpkin carving we filled out tummies with pizza - but we weren't allowed to eat the pizza until I opened a very unnecessary present. I first read the card signed by everyone at the apartment - and from Jen - who - throughout the last few months in med school has remarkable learned how to make her hand writing look a lot like Sharons! very strange! - anyway -. A plot had been started to make me think that they had purchased for me yet another ipod. My friends are so tricky! It wasn't an ipod - it was something so much more than I deserve - and like garlic toast I'm having a hard time accepting it - well - I suppose now I have to because moments after it was out of its wrappings the present was taken, assembled, and used! hahaha. I received my first digital camera!!! The funny thing about the digital camera however is that tomorrow morning is my convocation - and for the successful completion of my masters degree my mother was purchasing for me a digital camera - however since the one already received had clearly been used - this meant that I had to tell my mother that although her present was greatly appreciated - it would now be well... a repeat.

The summary of this post - my friends are far too generous and definitely did not need to get me anything! haha - As I told Sharon and John last night - I was just going to ask Sharon to re-tune my guitar (which she did) and ask John if he'd look at my computer (which he's doing)... other than getting the chance to hang out with them... well thats the best present of all - I didn't need anything materialistic let alone something bloody expensive - same goes to Aine and Lesley too!!!

alone in a crowded room....

2008-10-15T11:04:00.000-07:00

I really really want to write a happy blog.

I want to write about wonderful things and how just high on life I am.

I feel that any time I write about anything else its just depressing and well doesn't leave other people to even care.

I really thought that moving to London would provide me with an opportunity to be closer to some friends that weren't in the Windsor area. I would no longer be living so far away - or in a city that other people didn't want to visit because they didn't understand the beauty of the area - thus even if I had to do all the traveling that I would at least be that much closer. I've barely even seen Sharon and she pretty much lives up the road. I think that in Windsor it was just easier to make the "distance" and valid excuse as the lack of interactions with people. Sadly - even moving to London makes me realize that people are still busy. Jen is off attempting to conquer med school. Aine & Lesley are working. Sharon has a brand new baby and a family - let alone school. Maggie is still in school going after her Ph.D. Janice - she of course had to move BACK to the Windsor area as I was leaving. Daniela seems to always be at work - or sleeping because he next shift is a 48 hour or something. Everyone is doing such great things - and I'm so proud of everyone - and they are all going along so beautifully. This is not to say that I do not find myself keeping busy - I do have my list of things to get done - but thats what time management is about... getting work done in a good fashion so that you can socialize with people in other moments.

On another note - my brother gets married this weekend. I didn't go out and buy a new dress - I'm just going to try and pull something out of my closet and hope that does the job. I will either wear this same dress or the runner-up to my convocation next week and another wedding on the same day.

Other momentous occasions lately - well... my birthday. I went to a comedy show, Gerry Dee.. he was so funny (you may have seen him on last comic standing)... the person I went with though had no idea that it was my birthday! I let him know on the way to the show though.... then I played ultimate frisbee - and we won! woohoo (I may have blogged about my bday already - so if you've already read it - you got to hear it again!). Otherwise - its a Wednesday - people are busy so I didn't attempt to gather my friends together - and on the weekend I just assumed everyone would get together with their families for some turkey.

My mom had to work all weekend.... It seems that my mom always has to work on long weekends. I didn't really feel like sitting in my apartment all weekend though - so I still went to my mom's anyway - which was probably a good thing because my sister otherwise would have been home alone and my mom feels so guilty when she is. When chatting with a friend from Durham Region he told me that he wasn't doing anything for Thanksgiving (or his birthday which is three days after mine) so he came up and we hung out on Saturday. He's a musician and works in a guitar store - so I probably shouldn't have been surprised - but still wasn't overly impressed as I'm sure he spent money... but he got me a new guitar! I've been playing my brothers (which does need some fix-up work) so now I have my own! Its blue. Its pretty - very much a "girl"guitar... or at least I say so.

Anyway - I just wanted to say hello. I have an exam tomorrow so I probably should study some. Hope everyone is well.

the sun will come up tomorrow!!

2008-10-08T21:10:00.000-07:00

Well I survived another one.

a birthday

a celebration of the day I came into the world... naked.

Well I made the claim today at frisbee that I actually came into the world wearing a full piece bathing suit - to which one of the guys on my team replied "oh yah - I came out in a full tux, top hat included".... lets all take a moment and bow down to the most impressive birth wear ever.

I usually hate my birthday.

growing up I'd get excited because - well thats what most kids did/do when it comes to their birthday.

the unfortunate part was that my birthday usually sucked and I'd be upset.

I also hated getting older - depressed beyond belief even at the young age of ten!

I haven't really changed - I still don't want my birthday to come - I don't want to get older - and I get depressed/upset when this time of year comes around.

I try to ignore my birthday and not tell anyone of it so that when nothing happens I can at least use the excuse - well no one knew any better.... that always feels better than someone forgetting or just not caring.

This year I received several facebook messages, a couple of phone calls, a few emails. All much appreciated. Especially when Jen informed me that I can't be upset about getting older because in all reality I only turned 3 years old today - ok 3 cubed. I like that.

I actually went to a comedy show, Gerry Dee, he was on last comic standing. It was a fantastic show! I had a great time - and the person who took me didn't even know it was my birthday!!

Then I rushed to my ultimate frisbee game! We finally won! We won 8-2! Yah us!

Earlier in the day my mom, nana, and sister came down - we went for lunch. Then to Walmart. My birthday gift was a book shelf to go with the lamp I received in advance of my birthday. I know = its ok - breathe - a book shelf AND a lamp - for the same birthday! WOW FREAKING NELLIE!!! Almost as exciting as Disney Land! or World - I don't ever remember which one is which!

But they were things I needed in my new apartment- so I'm content.

For an average day - it was pretty good. I didn't get enough school work done - oh well. there is always tomorrow right??

The point is - I survived yet another birthday (its now past midnight so I guess it is no longer my birthday). I actually watched the clock as my birthday ticked away. I actually found it quite sad. I was sad to see my birthday go. I didn't want it to come - but I didn't want it to go. I didn't do anything exciting to actually celebrate it - I didn't sing myself happy birthday - I didn't blow out a candle, I actually didn't even rip the wrapping paper of a present - but it was an ok day.... I strangely feel a little bit empty.... so its an odd feeling at the moment... but... the sun will come up tomorrow

tick tock - time keeps going by.

2008-10-07T12:41:00.001-07:00

The meaning of meaning.

We have Reality. The Reality.

An individual has a reality of the Reality.

When an investigator uses that individual in a study they know have a reality of a reality.

Then.... through a rendering process eventually write it up into a publication.

Thus, the reader (X) of the publication then has a reality of the investigators reality of a individuals reality of The Reality.

Somewhere between The Reality and a reality is meaning.

However, if we can never truly come to understand The Reality can meaning ever be truly discovered?

That was a topic of discussion in class today.

Haven't figured out exactly how I'm going to relate this all back to biomechanics, a heavily based QUANTITATIVE field... but I'm sure I'll figure it out somehow! hahaha.

I didn't have a very productive day yesterday. I woke up much after I originally turned my alarm clock off. Was slow to getting settled and doing some work. Then was going to go to the gym. However after waiting an hour for a bus - I gave up.

I decided to do one of my exercise tapes. Not even fully through the warm up section my roommate wanted my opinion on his outfit - he needed to know if it was acceptable for a Carrie Underwood concert... I was immediately jealous. A year ago I got to go with Danielle to a Brad Paisley concert and enjoyed myself a ton - my roommate looked the part. So then I offered to drive them (as opposed to him and his buddy taking a cab). On my route home I stopped off at the grocery store for some chips and dip - clearly a healthy dinner - and obviously gave up on the working out aspect of my day.

got a little more work done.

talked with my mom on the phone about some things.

was not allowed to sleep as my roommate and friend returned and the friend definitely was an entertaining drunk who preferred to refer to me as Abdul - which I somewhat enjoyed as the only other nickname of sorts I've somewhat adapted is pvdubs.

Morning came all too soon.

Class, was entertaining. then I did some quick work on my lectures (that I'm giving!) before a supervisor meeting - and now I'm moments away from another class.

Not looking forward to what tomorrow is. Such a depressing day for me. I think my mom is going to come to town for lunch though. I don't have class... but going to start the day off at the gym with Carissa. I really enjoy her - I think my non-uwo friends would too! She's a cool cat (like Annie and Tycho! hahaha).

For now - wishing uwo had a "fall break"... I'm tired and need a moment to catch up on some non-class yet still academic work.... but with classes it just doesn't seem like it will happen.

Contemplating making my own bridesmaid dress for Jen's wedding - I liked the idea of everyone matching - but I don't think that is going to happen anymore and I can be a difficult individual to find a dress that fits - so I may make one - I've done it before so I know its a doable process - one that will turn out well not childlike - but I think I'm going to see if the girls in Canada even might want to get together at one point for a shopping adventure - or even Jen - but she's a busy lady - so maybe not feasible......

a life of carebears is so much more simple

2008-10-03T13:13:00.000-07:00

My stomach is upset.
Not because I ate something I should not have - although I did just have a bowl of ice cream which is not exactly on the diet plan.
--> Side note - apparently I'm almost a perfect hourglass. There was a time in which I would have taken being described as an hourglass offensively. But my bust is ten different from my waist - which was unfortunately just slight over ten different from my hips... but still pretty cool - and maybe something to strive for? hahaha
Its upset with worry, frustration, and borderline anger.
This last month was really overwhelming.
I had no idea what to expect - but my word - nothing was really going to prepare me for everything.
I like Western. Its odd being back in London - but with the strike going on in Windsor - definitely helps in making me happy to be elsewhere. Makes me really miss people who lived in London with me the "first" time.
School has been overwhelming. I've already dropped a class. I don't do that. However I do feel better that I made the decision to move on. But school has been frustrating and overwhelming and even with that course being dropped I'm tired. Which is a bad thing because we are only one month in.
I thought I was doing better at learning to do things for myself. I decided I was playing volleyball - and I wouldn't miss my games - there was one day in which I was forced to miss some (because of school) but otherwise wouldn't let anything get in my way. And I enjoyed it - and missed it once it had finished. Now I have joined an Ultimate team. This is a sport I had yet to ever play. Although only two games in - I think I'm improving a lot! Apparently I'm wicked at defense - which is funny because in football I was always an offensive player.
Even still - I've definitely been trying to do things to ensure that other people are going to be happy - in life, on a special day, whatever... and in the end the only thing it is doing is stressing me out more - or putting in a lot of effort for really no reason. It is this that I think I need to learn to stop. If its not my life, if it is not my event - than who cares - that person or those people can figure it out themselves and if I get to join in for the ride - maybe thats the better care-free way to go about things - but lets be honest - I prefer doing things for other people! haha.
Then comes the roommate.
He's great. He's a great guy - but right now I'm ready to move out. He doesn't exactly know that - but thats because I haven't had a chance to talk with him - and thats not because I'm spending all my time at school - but rather because his girlfriend is always around (as she has apparently moved in with us) or he's entertaining people. I want to have a conversation with him just the two of us - no one else. That may never happen at the rate things are going now!
I'm not upset actually that his girlfriend pretty much lives with us or that he constantly has people over - what I would like is 1) if you are going to throw a party... please at least run the idea by me. 2) inform me maybe that people are coming over. 3) CLEAN THE HOUSE if you make a mess.
I really don't think that is too much to ask.
Chances are you say "hey do you mind if I have some people over" I'll say "go for it - and thanks for letting me know".
Even if you don't clean the house - at least say "hey thanks for cleaning up my mess and that of my guests - I really appreciate that".. and I'll say "yah, no worries".
Than again - maybe I'm off my rocker and living in a different world.
A really cute thing happened today.
I left London - thats not the cute part! haha... I went to work at the bank. One of my "regular" clients came in today and we were chatting because I hadn't seen her in a while and she starting telling me about her nephew (who she has mentioned a few times) and how she thinks that I'd be such a great girl for him! Now - I've already "met up" with a clients son before - and that did not go well - so I'm not overly intrigued by situations like these - but at the same time don't turn them away. Which leads me to a whole other situation.
I grew up being told a lot that no one could ever love me, or that I'd be single for my entire life. After awhile I believed them. My self esteem was shot. I've been working on it - but clearly still have a long way to go. I've thankfully made some good friends over the years though and one thing I've heard from a few is "don't settle". So how do you know when the person is "the one" and you aren't settling? How do you know that its ok to stop "looking" because there isn't anyone else better? How do you know you're not making a mistake? I guess I"ve just never been at that point or stage where you just know - and it all fits and it makes sense.
I'm also really.... well.... despressed maybe... because my birthday is coming up. I hate my birthday. HATE IT. Would rather go to the dentist hate it. Sometimes I get my hopes up about it - that I'll get to do something fun - and that never happens. The idea of it makes me upset as I sit here typing. I'm getting ready to head back to London and I noticed that on my laptop bag there was a card - its a birthday card from my mom.... its still a week to my birthday. She's working all thanksgiving weekend so I'll barely even get to see the one person alive still who helped give me life. The one person who I suppose should really get to celebrate my birthday. I hate getting older. I hate the way my birthday makes me feel.
All of this bundle up together - no wonder I'm pretty much a mess -
Maybe if I close my eyes I'll wake up and be three years old again....

Dr. to be lights kitchen on fire.

2008-09-19T10:33:00.000-07:00

I survived my second week! Yes.
Monday was a bad day and I've discussed what I think is a good plan of action with my advisor - so hopefully it all works out.
I've been mainly do school work all week - so I haven't had the opportunity to hang out with such individuals as Sharon - cough cough - Sharon if you need anything please don't be afraid to call me!!! - and I'm now a good 95% unpacked. I would like to go and purchase a new shelving unit - I think that I definitely need a shelf that is strictly for university research projects (mainly my thesis information) as it is already an overwhelming amount and I can't make it be organized just laying in piles on my bedroom floor - I want it picked up and put away - thus I need to purchase a shelf.
Unfortunately my money hasn't come in yet - so I'm still sitting pretty - in addition - unlike Windsor who pays biweekly (and is currently on strike fyi) Western pays monthly - which I'm not a big fan of because that means you do have to manage your money more effectively - thankfully for the most part I'm good with this - but at the same time its just nicer knowing that you get a cheque every two weeks.
I have gone to the gym 5 times in the last two weeks. 3 times last week and twice this week. We (a few girls in my program and I) attend an aerobics class on Monday night - and I just love this class. I think it is fantastic. Two other times have been just in the cardio room and once we went to a 20-20-20 class which is 20 minutes aerobic, 20 minutes weights, 20 minutes abs. Not one of us liked that class- the instructors, who I am sure are very nice people - were not even convincing us they wanted to be there and definitely didn't inspire/encourage us to work out - so we didn't enjoy ourselves at all.
So I'm still surviving - and hoping there are more good days to come!

Oh wait!
I forgot -
I lit my kitchen on fire!
Oh I did.
Monday morning I made a pot of tea - and I brought a cup to school via a traveller. Tuesday morning I had planned to bring the remaining to class. I poured the tea into my plastic traveller and into the microwave for some heating up it went. I was getting ready for school at this time - so my plan had been to leave the kitchen until I heard the "ding ding ding" of the microwave informing me the time I inputted had elapsed. I don't recall why - but I decided to stay in the kitchen a few minutes. Thankfuly. About 10 seconds into my nuking of the tea - sparks were flying. Turns out my plastic traveller wasn't 100% plastic - it also contained hidden metal screws. Metal - a substance I know that doesn't belong in a microwave. After a few sparks there was a "poof"... and then there were flames. I stopped the microwave and put out the fire that was building - thankfully nothing was ruined (well the traveller may not be usuable - but the microwave is just fine!) except the smell... oh the smell... just horrid. I tried to clean up the smell as best I could - but unfortunately it still lingered when my roommate awoke later on - so much so that he thought there were wires on fire and started moving the appliances out from the wall to figure out where it was coming from --- hindsight says I should have left him a note! haha.
So yes - the Ph.D. student lit her kitchen on fire. Ok - not the kitchen but the traveller mug she put in the microwave that turned out to have metal components. But the story sounds better if I state the kitchen is on fire.

lost at sea

2008-09-15T13:35:00.000-07:00

Last week was my first week of classes as a Ph.D. student.

I felt frustrated and overwhelmed.

We show up without being registered for classes - so you spend a week running around trying to get some. I also realized how much work that I need to get done.

I thought I did really well to get all my assignments for monday completed. Still have a bunch of work and of course the work due next week has already started to pile.

But - we are one day into the second week and I already feel like the stupid kid in class.

I'm taking a clinical epidemiology class. This is not my realm of study - actually none of my classes are in the realm of my study - but I still push forward.

Today I made what I thought was an excellent attempt to answer questions and get involved in class discussions - however, when the professor even starts looking at you with concern regarding your intelligence thats a danger sign. I just couldn't seem to say anything intelligent or answer anything correctly - whereas everyone else was "correct" or "excellent thought" or "good thinking"... I just don't like being the stupid kid in class - because I'm not stupid - I do deserve to be here - but my biggest fear with coming back to Western and doing a Ph.D. was that I'd fail out and people would realize I'm not actually smart... that my education has been attained by a fluke.

With this class I know I'm out of my comfort zone - I know that more often than not when I open my mouth I'll be wrong - I just rather know that I'm making a good effort - rather than wasting other people's time.

I just need to take a deep breath and remind myself that I can do this - I can. Inhale..... exhale.... good thing I'm going to the gym tonight - I can work off some frustration rather than turning to the donut I was so tempted to buy a few moments ago!

Can't stop now - I'm still running - I'll go until I fall.

rollercoaster

2008-09-12T12:42:00.001-07:00

You know - I really didn't know what to expect upon moving back to London.

I knew that it would be very different.

I knew that the London I once knew and loved wouldn't be the London I was moving back too.

However, its been ok.

I've met some people through orientation - however, I'm taking classes outside of my faculty so that presents its own challenges.

Some of the classes apparently had readings for the first class that the prof never informed me of - so I'm already behind. Plus I have stuff still from Windsor that I NEED to finish - and scholarship applications are coming due FAST.

So I'm overwhelmed and stressed out.

I'm not sleeping well either - I've had some really messed up dreams.

I got to go visit baby Wyatt and mom Sharon - I enjoyed that - and Sharon was even able to get in a quick nap while I was there! He's really cute and a great addition to the family - I look forward to getting to know him.

I haven't seen Sharon much since moving back to London - but she did just have a baby - but hopefully we can start seeing each other more on a regular basis!

I was hoping that maybe this weekend I'd get to go visiting some people - I haven't seen Jen and Marks new place - and I haven't seen Aine and Lesley in a while - however - I'm so overwhelmed/swamped with work that it just isn't going to happen. I'm going to try and work my butt off this weekend - I did agree to go to Tommy's place tonight where all the grad students are getting together - but I'm hoping to not go until 10pm and not stay late at all. Otherwise just work my butt off.

Not surprisingly though - I should also try and finish unpacking too at some point!

The things that I have altered in my life upon moving to London.

I got text messaging on my phone. I had maybe like 30 on my phone before - now I have unlimited - which is sort of nice - because if I'm waiting for the bus I can think of someone who might be able to respond and strike up a conversation. Also helped when having to tell people my new number - I could just text it out!

more surprisingly though is the fact that this week I've been to the gym THREE times - Monday, Wednesday and Friday - and I think me and one or two of the girls in my program are going to try and make this a habit - so I'm happy about that - maybe I can get into shape for Jen's wedding!!! Obviously not as good as her - but still. Speaking of which - Sharon, five days post birth - LOOKED FANTASTIC - you'd barely even know she had been pregnant not even a week ago!

Nothing really exciting to report otherwise - going to have a REALLY busy semester - so I'm going to hold on tight and really try to get through it successfully - a lot is riding on the fact that I excel!

anyway - I should try and get some work done!!!

here we go again

2008-08-27T13:17:00.000-07:00

Breathe.
Deep breath for sure.
I'm kind of chilled at the moment - but I was chilled last night at school so I put on my sweater - and well... I wore it home. Now I'm at school again, the air conditioning is blasting through the building like a sewer allowed to run rampid - and well I'm kind of cold.... and have no sweater :(.
It doesn't help that I also may have brought up pieces of my lunch into my mouth.... As the day goes I progessively get myself more and more upset.
I was actually good until after lunch today.
I met with Ashleigh and Danielle for lunch. Our usual little place. Danielle leaves at 2am and heads to Halifax Nova Scotia for Occupational Therapy. Although I'll attend her baseball game a little later tonight - that was the last time her and Ashleigh would see each other until possibly Christmas. However, that was also the last time I'll see Ashleigh for a bit too possibly - as well - I guess I'm moving to London tomorrow.
So that was the beginning of me getting upset today.
After lunch I brought 9, yes nine, copies of my thesis to grad studies to be bound. So 300 dollars later I'm yet another step closer to graduating. I also bought myself a Windsor sweater at the bookstore (yah, its ok to ask why I'm not wearing that sweater than if I'm so cold.... I don't have a good answer)... and the frame for my degree that I'll get in October, 7 days after my brother ties the knot.
The funny thing is I shouldn't be upset. I'm moving to London. I've lived in London before. I like London. I have family in London - and even some friends still in the area - and even better news Sharon moved back too - and is about to have another bundle of joy (to play with??). I even have mice in my current apartment in Windsor - so much so that the blow up bed that I have to sleep on, that lays upon the floor I refuse to use because it lays upon the floor - thus the last three nights I've slept in my lawn chair - and its not a lay-down long lawn chair type - its just a chair - so needless to say I haven't had much sleep lately.
But I'm so upset about it I want to cry - I haven't yet - but probably will - and have now puked in my mouth.,., gross I know. However, I moved to Windsor against the advice of a lot of people. I moved here knowing no one. I moved here not knowing if I could even manage a thesis - I am not a good writer - so how I pulled it off, I still do not know.
A lot has happened in my life since I have lived in Windsor. Several friends have died, my dad died, I've been on some vacations, I've met knew people and others drifted away a little, some friends got married, had kids, became engaged, some even divorced. I came to a city that was looked down upon by many when trying to decide which university to go to after high school... but now I love it. I is such a hidden gem - I'm going to miss it. I'm going to miss walks by the water. I'm going to miss my favourite bars where I knew the majority of the employees. I'm going to miss my favourite places to eat. I'm going to miss having people stay at my house so I could drive them to the airport. I'm going to miss being able to just go to the states to shop or attend a sporting event. I'm going to miss my lab and my schoolmates. I know these are all things I can have elsewhere - I know that change isn't a bad thing - its just different and offers up so many possibilities - but I'm still not good at it.
There has been so much I've had to deal with this summer that this being the way it finishes just ... well I just wish it didn't all go by so quickly (except data collection... I'm glad parts of that is done!!!).
I'm sad... but I'll survive.
I'm also scared to pieces about starting a Ph.D. - seriously? seriously? I know a few people who started their Ph.D. while I attempted to finish my Masters - only one is still in the program. What makes me think I can do this?
I wish I had a vacation. time to just get away - and come back rested - clean. Instead I'm going in burnt out and emotionally a mess.
Fun times.
Breathe.
Just breathe.

Update

2008-08-19T10:44:00.000-07:00

I know it has been a while - but I usually get yelled at if I don't have anything really nice to say.

But a lot has happened.

I went to Vegas and I presented my first international talk. Vegas was not what I was expecting - but the Grand Canyon was FANTASTIC. The Conference blew elephant toes.

The following week I defended my thesis. I passed. It was a horrible defense - not in the sense that it was hard - but in the sense that I barely got asked any questions - definitely nothing that was challenging or let me "show off" what I had learned over the process - but rather we discussed remarks that could have and should have been made at the proposal stage and not the defense. Even my mom was pissed off. To celebrate - my mom, nana and I went and played 18 holes of mini-golf. My Nana had never been before - so since I found that out about a year ago - I've wanted to take her - so we did - it was a blast and she even remarked "I'm not sure why I never did this sooner".

That weekend we (Jen and I) also put together a baby shower/BBQ for Sharon. Ok - we didn't put it together that weekend - but thats when it took place. I reccomend to anyone who is expecting that they do away with the traditional baby shower of just girls, silly games, etc... but go for the BBQ format - boys invited too! I personally enjoyed it more than another baby shower I've been too (sorry other baby showers).

The following week I was off to Ann Arbor Michigan for another International conference - this one I helped plan - this conference actually went VERY well.. and Ann Arbor was pretty cool. Got to spend one evening at the Henry Ford Museum - I reccomend anyone checking that out for a day trip! I can't wait to go back! There was so much to see - like the car JFK was in when he was shot... or the Chair A. Lincon was sitting in when he got shot... I even got to sit in the seat on the exact bus that Rosa Parks sat when she struck up a bunch of controversy and was arrested. So many more things to see too... just such a cool place!

Among all of these things I've also been doing data collection at the hospital. If you want to know more you can ask me personally - but I give you fair warning - you may start me on a venting session because there are a lot of things I'm not happy about regarding it all....

For the most part me and the mice have been living well together.... a few times they've had to run pretty fast to get out of my way - but now the more pressing issue with the apartment that I originally thought was a cute place to live (which really wasn't starting with high expectations - mould free was all I asked for)... is not so nice.... the bathroom ceiling has begun to show water damage - so much so that now the wall between the bathroom and the bedroom is probably ruined - good thing I move out soon.

Speaking of which - Greg and I have moved most of our stuff to London - yet neither of us is livign there! hahaha....(which also means at the moment while still dwelling in Windsor I have no bed - which just brings me even closer to the level of the mice!).... I think the apartment that we have in London is really cute - and I'm excited for people to come see.

Hickory Dickory Dock.

2008-06-24T13:55:00.000-07:00

I still remember the first time I encountered a rat.
I was at the home of my childhood best friend.... we spent a lot of time together throughout elementery school - mostly at her house because she was scared of my dad - but in her defense my dad scared a lot of people... even me... anyway - Becky (who I believe actually prefers to be called Rebecca now) and got to play with the white rat with red eyes of her Aunt. It was in the cage in the kitchen - but being the older kids (Becky has a bunch of younger siblings....4 I think) we got to take him out and play with him. He was cute and a lot of fun. I recall his little feet feeling so strange as he walekd up and down my arms and over my hands.

My second run-in with mice/rats wasn't as tame... well because the mice were not pets. I use to be a "nanny" for a family... I'm pretty sure I spent more time at the house and with their kids than they did... but a great family... sadly one that went through a parental divorce - but still good people in my mind. Anyway - they lived in this awesome house in Whitby - I loved that house! It also had a great back yard that we would let the cat out into.... and every time we let Princess... the white cat (but no red eyes) would catch field mice that were just bopping around the backyard somewhere. So she usually brought me or one of the kids the dead mouse...... as the mouse was dead - I wasn't grossed out.... but intrigued how she could do it every time!

My next adventure was when I was 17 years old. Jen and I had recently been employed at the new movie theatre in town (Whitby is no longer considered a town but a city due to population growth - but it will forever be a town in my mind!)... and one of the first big kid movies to come out when we were working there was "Stewart Little".... to help promote the movie we were given mouse ears, bowties???, and a tail.... why do mice outfits always have a bowtie??? Anyway - I still haev the accessories and they usually reside on my stuffed Banana-in-Pajamas doll! hahah.

The next time was when I moved to Windsor - on my first night in Windsor - there was a dead mouse in my room - once again - wasn't scared .... but didnt' like that the landlord wouldn't get rid of it right away.....oh yah - big surprise thats the mould house too!

I have a new rat/mouse story to add to the list. I really like my new apartment (I should probably stop referring to it as my new apartment as I get my new new apartment on August 1st in London!)... I think its a really cute spot.... and its much better than living in a place full of mould.... which still has me suffering adn trying to become healthy from.... but I'm now a little bit scared of my kitchen. I went to make tea the other day - and went to grab the teapot in a cupboard that I don't usually open and go into - well - I wish I had kept it that way because when I opened the cupboard I startled something that was dark brown, fat and furry.... I closed the door immediately and have not gone back in. This one actualyl scares me because it was big and didn't look happy and well my kitchen isn't very big so I'm not sure how to conquer this unwanted houseguest. The landlord apparently put down some poison - but I know the houseguest isn't gone because I heard him two days ago - not happy :(

In other news that is much more happy:
1. Today Rafa (Sharon's husband) called me on the phone - that was such a pleasant surpside that I enjoyed very much!!! I felt so special!!!! Definitely will make me smile the rest of the day!
2. I get my apartment in London on August 1st - although I'll still have my Windsor one until September - this is good because it gives me a month to make the move! (yes I'm that pathetic!)
3. My brother and Elise have set a wedding date! I don't know if he got down and one knee and asked... or if there is even a ring - just something they've talked about and finally picked a date... its this year! October 18th!! Which is fast... but I'm happy for them - it'll be small but quaint.
4. Finally finished a draft of the thesis and submitted it - its been returned (today) and the second draft will be done this week! WOOHOO!

powerpoint...find the lecturer in you.

2008-05-23T14:09:00.000-07:00

Here you go Mass (and anyone else who has noticed its been a while since I posted)...

1. moved.
2. still working on thesis - but have a defense date
3. accepted to Ph.D. program
4. family all seems to be good - nana's 86th bday at the end of the month
5. boys suck
6. want to buy my sister a cat for christmas
7. as for pending tattoo - one of a tulip and rainbow would represent my parents well.

A Riddle

2008-04-06T19:09:00.000-07:00

I could talk about school..
I could talk about my recent move...
But rather I prefer to discuss a riddle.

Three guys go to a store to make a purchase that should come to $25. However, the clerk at the store wants to make money off them so he charges them $30 with the intent of pocketing the $5 at the end of the shift. However, his boss realizes he overcharged them and tells him to return the $5.
On the way to do so - the clerk decides he'll give each of them $1 back and pocket the remaining two for himself....
So now the three guys instead of paying $10 each pay $9 each... and the clerk pockets the $2.
But if you think about that.... 9x3 = 27 + 2 = 29 ... not 30...

So where did the other dollar go?

(My labmate was asked this question and she then posed it to me - we randomly both came up with the same immediate response.... taxes! hahahaha).

A good night - a not so good morning

2008-03-28T09:29:00.000-07:00

I had a wonderful Wednesday evening.

I had been invited to attend the Human Kinetics Scholars Evening - as I was receiving the Canadian Federation of University Women Scholarship. I was seated a table with a fellow graduate student from my lab who was also being recognized, and our advisor we have in common. We had chosen a table that wasn't in the front but a location where we could see the slide show presentation and podium for the speakers. A few people had come to join our tables - but then were instructed to sit elsewhere - so for the longest time we thought it would just be the three of us - which didn't bother us at all. Then two administration people from the registrars office joined us - so that was nice.... then other man came over and said "since there are 3 academics and 2 admin, I'm going to sit with you and even it all out to 3:3". As people had sat Leah (other grad student) and I introduced ourselves because we didn't know who they were. Well didn't the last one who join us turn out to be the President of the University! He was such an incredible individual who entertained us with stories and asked us questions and truly wanted to know information about the education Leah and I had been attaining. He and I even discussed me one day taking over as the President of Western! Although he did say that form those he has spoken with - no one has ever preplanned to be the President of a university before... hahaha - there is always room for a first!

Anyway - it was a delightful event and I'm really glad how the table seatings turned out!

Today (Friday) has not been such a great morning. The basement, or course, flooded again - I had to wade around in the water in the basement passing things to my other roommate so we could move things upstairs to prevent ruin/damage. So now everything but my bed and a dresser are out of my room - which is good I suppose since I was going to have to move it real soon anyway.

The city was just here though and used a 4" eel cutter to clean the roots out from the pipes and the draining of the water has begun (phew).

Moving....

2008-03-18T15:45:00.000-07:00

Well.... I went and found a new place to live.

The mold conditions in the house where I currently dwell are much worse than I originally thought. The air analyses came back today with some conditions as moderate and others as elevated... which is not good... and this is specifically my room let alone possible other areas in the house.

The new place is a bit further from school - but closer to downtown... and about a block further from the water. Its in a building that is currently undergoing a lot of changes. The units are being rented out as they become available/liveable. Its a 22 unit place and currently only about 10 are being lived in. So there is a lot of construction going on - which definitely doesn't make it look all that nice - but the inside is decent.

When you walk in the front door you are in the living room. To the left is a brief hallway that leads to a bathroom and a bedroom that is similar in size to the room I had at the Oxford Street house in London - so not overly big - but big enough for a bed and maybe a dresser... which when you are living by yourself is all you need in there as my desk can go in the living room. To the right of the living room is a little eating nook with a kitchen that is about as big as the hallway! hahaha - oh well.

So its not the greatest - but its one of the cheaper places I can find - but more importantly didn't make me sign a 8-12 month lease! So I'll make do.

I'm sad to leave my current place because since 2005 its been my home - and well I hate change - but for the sake of my health I have to go - and even if I don't like the new place - I move to London in a few months anyway... I'll survive.

I just surrender already

2008-03-03T13:50:00.001-08:00

It was really nice to see Jen, Sharon, Maggie, Janice.... Rafa, Mark, Dan, Nathan, etc... while I was in Toronto. Although I still did school work while there - it was nice to be in a different atmosphere - surrounded by people I love and who love me (or so they claim.....;) ). However, being away on my so called reading week got me in trouble at school. I still got everything that was due in on time - even in advance. But it got me frustrated/upset so I decided that on Friday I'd go down to Guelph for the night to visit with Aine since she had not been available to get together the previous weekend in Toronto.
I'll admit - I use to be a stupid driver. Not necessarily a bad driver - just a stupid one - I just liked to get places faster if I could... so it wasn't unheard of for me to go 140-160km/hour on the 401/403. That has definitely changed over the last few years though. I'm hesitant to even let my cruise control be set to speeds as high as 125.... I try to stick to the 120.... sometimes with the flow of traffic I'll advance to 130 but its rare. I have come to pretty much live out of my car - its like a second home.... anyway...
On my way to Guelph it was a horrible drive. Started out in day light but had so many delays it was unbelievable. There was a gas spill, a transport truck accident, then bad weather (dark now), salt trucks, construction etc.... but no big deal - just means it will take a little longer to get to your destination - just go slow and be careful. Well just about after the woodstock area - not quite cambridge the traffic let up - we were able to speed up from our average 40-60km/hour to almost 100. Driving in the far left lane too because of snow in the far right lane and salt trucks... well... the car in front of me decided to put on his/her breaks for no apparent reason. I had two choices. Slam into the back of the car or try to avoid it. I tried to avoid it. I did successfully avoid it - except in doing so must have hit a patch of ice because it sent me spinning. I remember spinning at least 2.5 times - but it could have been many more. I kept telling ymself to "pump the breaks don't hold the breaks... pump the breaks don't hold the breaks"... and as I spun to the right also realized I needed to try and avoid the oncoming traffic. So I'm spinning and pumping the breaks and try to control the direction the car is going while cars/trucks are coming at me. Then I realized the median on the side of the road and the ditch that follows after it are approaching quite quickly. I give the breaks one good slam - and I stop not even a hairline before hitting the side - which I'm convinced had I had I was rolling over and into the ditch. It was like someone was looking out for me! hahaha... who knows. I sat there for a few moments shaking and in shock of what just happened. I was ok - but facing the wrong direction and not sure how I was going to turn around. I called Aine to let her know what happened - and as I was on the phone a man approached my car. It was Randy. He was a truck driver who pulled over to help. THANK YOU TRUCK DRIVER RANDY. He made sure I was ok (other than a bruised and cut right arm I'm good).. checked the car... not a scratch.. even complimented my tires! hahaha. He called over the radio and had fellow truckers direct traffic to leave the right lane(s) open and free so that the car could be turned around. Randy told me to move over - he jumped in - turned the car around and pulled it in fron of his truck. He then told me that he'd pull out blocking traffic so I could get back on the road... I tried to thank him but he was gone. I finished the drive to Guelph as it was much closer than heading to Windsor. I later learned that my brother travelled to my mom's place that night and it took him 7 hours to do the drive... I didn't tell my mom about my adventures.... no need to worry her.
My mom has had a rough go of it the last few days anyway --- her uncle joe is in hospital with cancer (radiation began Friday)... and my cousin's wedding on the weekend was a cause of a lot of drama...
I only learned of the wedding drama because I called my mom during the day today. My landlord showed up because of course the basement was flooding again with all the rain today. He decided to move the other girl that lives in the basement up to the main floor. That is great and all except I had moved ym computer and books in that room during the last flood. So now I have to move it out... he suggests I just put it in the room of the person he is currently switching rooms for ????? how does that make sense. PLUS - I can't stop coughing - it started Saturday.... its pretty bad too - turns out it actually might be stupid mold poisoning! I just can't win. I don't want to move because a) my stuff is already here, b) its cheap rent, c) its a good location, d) the house isn't horrible, e) I can't sign a 6-12 month lease because I won't be here that long.
I'm just really at a breaking point right now. I know that sounds silly because really things going on in life aren't anything major - just silly things... and there are people much much worse off.... but I'm actually really upset.... I'm just done.... I keep trying to be positive and stuff - but I'm just tired.... I just don't know what to do.

Up up and away or Free falling?

2008-02-26T08:24:00.001-08:00

I really should be at school today. I have a paper due on March 1st (that I do have on my computer here to edit.... so hopefully I can do most of the changes today.... although I know I have to change some pics in the document and don't have that with me :( ) and I have an abstract due that I have yet to run the files through SPSS.... hmmmm... I can still do this - the slight problem is that the female advisor is only at school until Wednesday - and of course I have to work around their schedules and not mine... which sucks because it is suppose to be MY reading week (profs still are expected to work this week).. so it is a bit of an annoyance --- but my advisor did buy my SPSS for my mac --- which is cool - but it didn't arrive until this week which means I don't have it on my computer at the moment which means I have to go to school.. Additionally I agreed to do a favour for a friend of mine in Windsor - it was suppose to be done Thurs/Fri of last week BUT the person she was waiting for was of course not on the ball and didn't get things together - so now I have to do it for her hopefully tomorrow - which also requires that I'm in Windsor.

BUT

Toronto has been nice. I've been able to hang out with Maggie, Sharon, Rafa, Mark, and of course Jen. We went out the first night which was entertaining itself.... nothing like have a Bono wannabe look-a-like come up to your table and discuss moose. I know thats vague - but the story can always be told later. There has also been some swimming... and card playing.... and wine drinking.... and movie watching.. etc....

I woke up this morning at 6:40am though. I was having a dream where I was waiting to get on an elevator --- but instead of pushing an "up or down" arrow button --- you pushed a button for the desired floor destination. I wanted to go to the 4th floor... and while waiting for the correct elevator to arrive a bunch of people ended up waiting with me - and riots ensued and well it was crazy --- in the end I, and a few others, got pushed into the elevator shaft. (Why there were no closed doors to the elevator shaft.. not too sure). The guy was so mean. But someone threw a rope around my waist which stopped me form falling past a certain point and all the other people ended up somehow hanging on to someone who directly or indirectly was hanging on to me.... anyway... eventually I ended up falling down the elevator shaft and while falling totally woke up. Not sure how you fall down an elevator shaft though when you're on the first floor wanting to go to the 4th but it was like a bottomless elevator shaft!... and why no one thought to take the stairs - i'll never know.

its progress...

2008-02-13T19:26:00.000-08:00

Phase one complete.
I did the online application process for my Ph.D. application. I suppose that is actually phase 3. Phase one would be talking to and meeting with different profs. Phase two would be deciding to apply and with whom to work with. Thus Phase 3 (I like the way the number 3 looks instead of the words, hence the symbol over the word.. its not that I have a rule that 3+ should be in the form of symbols)... is the online application.
Phase four is in the works. There is a paper submission. This consists of transcripts, money, reference letters, and the answers to some questions that for some reason they didn't include in the online part. Some of the questions relate to a possible TAship. For example I had to choose and rank some sports that I have either advance or intermediate experience/training with/in. I went with dance, football, basketball and volleyball.
My one advisor who is acting as a referee for me (not in the above stated sports, but rather for my above mentioned reference letters) wrote that she was happy to provide me with one but sad that I have to go.
And you know what I am sad to leave. Although I haven't had the best run of things in Windsor - and there have been a lot of shitty things that have happened since I moved here - I have grown a lot as a person. There are definitely reasons why I would like to stay - but I think that even without my thesis being done at this point I'm frustrated with still being here. I don't care for where I'm living at the moment... and need out. There is so much drama among a bunch of friends that its more than I care to deal with or even know about. I just need a chance to get away and breathe I think. I'm definitely in a glass box that has been filling with water and I'm almost out of air --- thankfully its a glass box though - it means people can see in....(as I can also see out)... so I'll be just fine and not run out of space nor air.

35 seconds

2008-02-03T18:56:00.000-08:00

Second post tonight....

Colts were defeated.

Packers were defeated.

The unlikely superbowl matchup is NE & Giants

NE has had an 18-0 season - most likely to win

but with 35 seconds to go the giants just scored a TD to take the lead!!!

The ring just might stay in the Manning family! NE might be defeated when it counts the most..

a lot can happen in 35 "football seconds though..

well that didn't go as planned.

2008-02-03T18:50:00.000-08:00

This was suppose to be an awesome weekend - I've been looking forward to this weekend for so many weeks now - its not even funny.

I was suppose to meet my roommate Friday night for dinner - that didn't happen.

I was suppose to go Toronto (with maybe a stop off in Guelph) to have some very needed time with some friends.

I was suppose to have a bunch of work done after a stressful week so that the week approaching wouldn't be so hard to bare.

What did happen?

- migraine

- upset stomach

- swollen left eye

- cell phone not working properly

- internet connection rare if at all

- weekend spent by myself... = lots of guilt and disappoint...

Glad not to be famous.....

2008-01-22T14:26:00.000-08:00

I remember when one of my little cousins had the aspirations to grow up one day and be a dinosaur. She loved animals and at the stage in life she was at - to be a dinosaur - meant the high life. Sadly kids grow up - and realize that maybe the dreams they once had are not exactly plausible. I'm sure if she really wanted to pursue the life of a dinosaur should could have be the next "Barney"... or she even could have worked along the same lines as Ross from FRIENDS and studied dinosaurs. She started high school this year and has adapted her career aspirations to be either a horse owner/trainer or to become a vet. She even decided this year that she's now a vegetarian.
Kids have wonderful ideas - that often change frequently depending on their age - about what to do when they grow up. With "reality" shows such as survivor, idol, so you think you can dance, apprentice, etc... it is clear that many more individuals want to have their cahnce at fame. Thanks to the internet, let alone reality television, it seems many more individuals get their chance.
However, it still takes either hard work, or a "who you know" status to get to C, B, or even A list celebrity levels. I'll admit it - I've thought about being an actress - even once thought it would be cool to be Britney Spears - to make records and travel around putting on shows for people. I might not have the best singing voice, but I can dance and I can act - so I'm pretty much a tripple threat! My dad even knew people in the acting business! His old acting partner was Victor Garber... my dad only acted for fun. I use to do a bunch of plays - and I actually miss the stage - whether its for acting or dancing - I enjoyed those moments up there - not because people were watching me - but because I got to express myself through someone that wasn't "me" - so it was a sense of freedom I suppose.
I'm glad I never became famous though.
Sure there are a lot of people who become famous and still manage to stay out of the public eye - but there are others who are plastered everywhere - Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan..... to just begin a list - and really - even if I had all the money in the world - I wouldn't want their lives. There are other people that we haven't really heard from in a while like Brad Renfro who died last week, and just today Heath Ledger has now died due to what appears to be obvious drug overdose. I don't want to ever be exposed to a world like that - and I know that you don't have to have some relation to fame to get mixed up with all of it --- I'm just glad that I'm not.
I'm so happy to have the friends I have - I've got the best ones in the world - I'd argue with anyone who tried to state otherwise. I even am pretty lucky to have the family I have -
Although I'm in an interesting "funk" at the moment and can't seem to get out of the neutral gear and into drive.... I'm still happy to have the people in my life that I do - and wouldn't trade them in for all the fame and money in the world.

snowbound in toronto.....

2008-01-01T12:09:00.000-08:00

As the majority of my readers know (I say that like I am a well known author who hundreds, possibly thousands of people adore and are inspired by) since the 27th of the 12th month of the 2007th year, I have spent many days in the capital city of the province that also contains the capital city of the country of the so called great white north.

It all began on the 27th (Thursday) at about 6:30pm. Location: Corunna.
After a full day at work - I don't say full day with the implication that I actually did a lot of work but rather was there for the all the hours of operation. I went to my mom's place - put together my stuff and headed out to Toronto to help celebrate my first ever Negaversary... meeting the majority of the individuals in the wedding party for my Jen and Mark. I think that it was a very successful night - enjoyed by all - I think that Jen and Mark have a really interesting (in the good way) wedding party - everyone seems pretty awesome. I think that the 366 minus days until the wedding are going to have the stressful moments for Jen and Mark - but its going to be a great event!

The next day I stayed in Toronto - Jen, Mark and I went to the movies and saw JUNO. It was really good - I recommend it - unlike I am Legend which I think one should only watch if they are bored and it happens to be on television. The adventure to the movies though was unlike many other trips. Upon entering the theatre - the smell would smack anyone in the face. mmmmm wet popcorn + soggy winter jacket smell. Who wouldn't love that smell liquified and put into a bottle to be sold in all major department stores as perfume during the holiday season? A good salesperson can sell anything!!! However, that wasn't the the worst part - the part that was gross was the mouse. There were probably more than one mouse - but I presonally only saw one running amongst our feet. And when Jen approached who appeared to be the manager at the end of the show - she told us that they had been having a problem with mice and had hired two companies to take care of it but apparently it hasn't worked yet. Awesome.

The next day after hanging out with Jen and Mark again for a bit I headed to Sharon's for a brief visit before heading home.....which actually turned into another night in Toronto. But seriously... what is there to complain about with that?

Sunday - I don't get to watch much football as I actually had to travel back to Corunna... why? Because I had to work on the Monday - the last day of the year. I did get to see my Colts play - well I got to see the backup players who are on the team play.... they lost - but that was expected.

I worked Monday - and then got back in my car and drove back to Toronto. Yes back to Toronto - for NYE at Maggies which was a good time and now I have to stop typing because Sharon and Rafa are ready to go (I dont know where we are going though!).... but that comes to the part about being snowbound in Toronto - the snow is really bad heading west past london - my mom called and told me to stay put - sharon got excited.

Update

2007-12-21T16:07:00.001-08:00

There's been a lot in the last 7 days... not even sure where to begin... so lets begin 7 days ago.
Friday Night.
Schram came to visit. That was shocking in and of itself.. hahaha. He has said many times that he was going to come but had yet to actually make it. Well he sure enough came to Windsor. It also happened to be the night of my biomechanics lab christmas gathering - so when Schram arrived I went and got him and we went to the gathering - it was good times. Tons of booze, some food... a lot of guitar hero - which I did eventually "technically technically actually speaking" play... and to my surprise I was not booed off the stage as I was able to complete the song. However, being an individual who didn't grow up playing video games - I still did not really enjoy playing this one - I may play again one day - but if I don't - I'm content with that too! All-in-all a good time was had by all I believe.
Saturday:
Bright and early at the crack of around 1pm I think Schram and I finally decided to get up and moving.... mind you the "motivation" was due to a repeat phonecall from his girlfriend asking when he was going over to meet up with her and her friends... she was just a few blocks from my place in Windsor - as they were having a xmas party there (turkey included) that night. So Schram and I parted ways. There was a slight presence of snow at this point - they were calling for a storm... I was excited to see snow - it would be a first for me this season. I was going to go out with some folks that night - but instead ended up going to school. Yes school on a Saturday night. Danielle was there studying for her exam on Monday as well as writing a 50 page paper that was due... but she was losing motivation, and since I also had work to do - I volunteered to go to school and work with her. We ordered Swiss Chalet for dinner - which was an adventure to get delivered to us as the buildings at school all have the same university address - yet my building isn't on main campus so its not even close the address it goes by - but we eventually got it all figured out. We were there until after midnight.
Sunday.
The snow came on Sunday! So I shovelled and stayed home to do work.
Monday/Tuesday
School. Tuesday I went out with Luke for dinner and a movie. We saw "I am Legend"... save your money and don't go see it. Will Smith did a fine job with what he was given - its just unfortunate he wasn't given much. There were a few moments where the plot was intriguing and you assumed it was all about to get good - then the movie changed directions and everything got left hanging. I'm personally wanting to see Sweeny Todd... can't wait until I get to go!
Wednesday.
School. Meetings. One was a lunch date with my male advisor. I am really excited because I have been asked to write another paper --- and I'm just really really excited about it! I also met with my female advisor that day - but separately.. I found that odd. Went shopping in the states with Danielle. Went to Papa Cheneys (bar) with her too and met up with some others.... I left around 1am as I had to be up at 5:30am to drive to Sarnia to work.
Thursday.
Came too early. Should have planned for more sleep. Drive was not good - there was fog the whole way! Couldn't see if a traffic light was red or green until I was under the light. But Johnny Cash - Ring of Fire came on the radio... go figure - it was a Thursday. Work was fine... somewhat entertaining actually. At home, started to unpack - realized I left some christmas presents still in Windsor...stupid stupid stupid...oh well - I'll figure it out.
Friday.
Took the car in for a check up. Looks good. Ran around doing some other things too.... but had a bit of a difficult moment at dinner. Realized/found out/noticed.... my mom took her wedding ring off her finger. Although she has every right to do that - I had to excuse myself and go to the bathroom because I just starting sobbing uncontrollably. I never thought there was a difference between the terms crying and sobbing - well there is... I was sobbing..... uncontrollably.... I'm not tearing up as I write this - although I thought I would... but it for some reason still doesn't sit well with me.....

I'm going to Vegas baby!

2007-12-13T18:27:00.000-08:00

I have had some very strange weeks lately.... I haven't been myself - very few people know that... actually I think less than five people even had the slightest clue that things were not ok. But... other people have had awesome things to celebrate - or they have had their own problems to deal with - so I just kept quiet about myself.... which is fine, because I don't think I really wanted to talk anyway.
There was a lot of build up towards yesterday though. My dad's birthday. Or at least an anniversary of the day upon my father was once born. Over the last year, anything that had to do with my father I had to be by my mother's side. I wasn't specifically asked to go home for this occassion so I decided to stay in Windsor and possibly have a day where I could maybe just deal with things. It didn't happen.... I cleaned, I took out my homework and placed it upon the table. I went shopping. I drank (after returning from shopping and parked the car for the reminder of the day and night). I've been the only one at the house for the week. The one roommate who use to be my closest friend in Windsor did stop by the house yesterday - but that was to actually move about 90% of her stuff out of the house and to her boyfriends place.... I thought it was a bit odd that she didn't notice my non-jolly self and the bottles of half drank white wine and half drank rum... especially since I'm not a drinker... but I had invited her out that night - so maybe she thought I was just pre-drinking - although she knos I don't typically do that either - and definitely not early in the night... oh well.
A few other girls from school - 3 actually - the ones I've been hanging out with a lot more than anyone else this year - which isn't a bad thing, I really enjoy these girls - I've learned a lot from them... came over and we went to a bar where we met up with a few others we had planned to meet there.
Now.... for those of you who know me... I don't give myself compliments.... and well, I'm not very good at believing/accepting ones I receive --- and its hard to believe that without brushing my hair.... and wearing all dirty laundry except for my panties.... I, yesterday, truly believed I looked pretty ... its true.
So....
A guy at the bar came over to our table at one point and asked if my name was Kelly - and started a conversation.... I couldn't decided if he really thought I looked like a girl named Kelly or if he was hitting on me - but I'm going to go with him hitting on me - because I actually looked pretty last night! hahahaha.... however, at one point, one of the other girls accidentally scared him off... it was actually quite funny and definitely a "you had to be there" moment... but I do tease her now that she scared off my potential future husband! hahahahaha.... oh well.. more fish in the sea...
This was all preluded the day before by finding out I didn't get NSERC... which totally sucked because I actually thought I had a good chance at it... oh well.... life goes on... and it did ... I survived my dad's birthday... and then today I found out that my paper got accepted and I get to go to Las Vegas and attend a conference being held at Cesear's Palace where they want me to present my research! Thats pretty freaking exciting since I've never been there before!!! So its not as nice as the thousands of dollars I would have got from receiving NSERC - but its a pretty good second place prize I think!

My new boyfriend...

2007-12-04T20:44:00.000-08:00

I know I haven't posted in a while....because I didn't really feel much like writing - and I still don't

But I wanted to share a picture of me with my new boyfriend.
The picture is due to the amazing kindness of Mass. (now I have to figure out to post my very first photo ever in a blog!)

Ok - so he's not really my boyfriend.... and although I think its a good job - its a photoshop job which means I didn't even get to meet my beloved Mr. Tom Welling..... but the photo definitely makes me smile!

One day I'll find my Superman...

I can mean...

2007-11-22T21:11:00.000-08:00

I'm typically a nice person. But even I wouldn't want to get on my bad side.
I currently live in a seven bedroom house that I suppose is separated into a section of 4 and a section of 3. The 4 of us are girls. One has become a good friend of mine - but is moving out soon to move in with her boyfriend who was my first friend in Windsor... whom I also introduced to his last girlfriend.... but he never calls or messages me to do things anymore - and only comes to the house to see my roommate - even walks straight to her room. Kinda sucks. My roommate even seems to be finding less time to hang out as friends. The roommate on the same level as her is ok - can be annoying - but definitely has come a long way in the last year with her abilities to live with other people effectively. The one that lives on the same floor as me --- she's lucky I think that I don't beat her with one of the many forks she is suspected of stealing from us.
There are three boys upstairs... they seemed normal when I was first showing them the place. I personally haven't had any issues with them - but apparently they are really noisey at horrible hours of the day/night/morning - and the other three girls can't sleep or whatever... my room just happens to be in a good location to not be bothered by the noise. The boys are one of the many reasons why the one roommate is moving out.... Also - because two of them happen to be nursing students - I didn't want to get involved because I wanted them to participate in the research for my thesis. Well they haven't. And my one roommate has been complaining a lot lately about the boys. So tonight I showed her an interesting "little known" fact about the house. The circuits/fuses are in our section. You see, when they are loud she goes and knocks on their door to ask them to be quiet. They now no longer answer the knocks. She's called the landlord - he's not much help. So I have taught her now how to turn off their power should they be bothering her. Oops. Next time participate in my research BIATCHES!
See - I can be mean... but I prefer to be nice.

vent...

2007-11-21T12:04:00.000-08:00

I'm really frustrated right now.
I was suppose be done my thesis come xmas - and of course with my luck that is just not happening.
Its frustrating because its not even my fault - nor is there anything I can do about it.
The hospital is still closed due to a virus outbreak - which I can deal with.
What I'm having troubles understanding is the incredible lack of attendance with the students. Approximately only 1/3 of the students enrolled in the classes are showing up.
Than on top of that the apathy towards doing the survey is brutal.
One year of students has over 200 students.... I got 13 surveys.... yop 13.
To make matters worse - some didn't even fill out the survey completely - so of course that results in incomplete data.
I'm already losing sleep over other things in life and this is definitely not helping matters.....

Sharon I know you don't like the obits - but tough luck on this one...

2007-11-14T23:11:00.000-08:00

"You don't notice the dead leaving when they really choose to leave you. You're not meant to. At most your feel them as a whisper or the wave of a whisper undulating down. I would compare it to a woman in the back of a lecture hall or theater whom no one notices until she slips out..."

My sister when my dad first passed said she could see him in her room.
Part of me wanted this so desparately too.
I didn't know if I believed it was possible or even true...
But I was also scared.. and still am - that the possibility may actually exist.

I don't know what I believe at the moment about what happens after you die.
I've been brought up to believe that there is a heaven - and I like to think that there is - but I don't really know what that means.

I do at times talk (usually in my head and not outloud) to people I've known in my life who have passed.... but I don't know if they can actually hear. I don't know if they actually watch over us, their loved ones, still on earth.

But I do hope - that if the dead can be around you - I hope that my dad hasn't left me yet - because I'm not ready....I'm not ready to say goodbye because I still need my dad.

So I hope he's still around... as much around as a dead person can be.

avoidance.

2007-11-13T20:29:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted a blog recently - and this is not due to the fact that nothing has occurred in my life - some very interesting things have happened.

I have not written because I did not understand my thoughts. I'm still at a standstill with them currently.

How can someone not understand their own thoughts? Clearly I'm thinking, and they are my thoughts, and thus through the innate connection should I not automatically understand my very own thoughts? Well.... no. It wasn't until tonight that I did have some clarity as to why the answer is no - yet not enough clarity to finally understand my thoughts.

My thoughts are not jumbled - at least I do not think that they are.
And I recognize that they are my thoughts - so its not due to lack of recognition.

But rather its due to my thoughts being in a completely different language than what I have learned to comprehend.

I feel like my thoughts are a mime stuck in a glass/invisible box - pounding at the walls to be heard - yet no escape. I'm the person standing on the sidewalk in awe as I watch the battle the mime, or my thoughts, are having within this box that apparently is creating boundaries - yet I cannot see.

So my thoughts are there.
I recognize them as my own.
I sense them, I not only think them but I can hear myself saying them and somewhat I guess I can see my thoughts.... I just don't understand them.

I have also come to the realization of why I enjoy reading.
Some books I like to read because they are non-fiction and thus I get to learn knowledge that I did not previously hold... or at least had temporarily forgotten.
Its the books that I read though that tell a story.
I like to get lost in the story thats being told. I never think that its me in the story - at least I don't think that I do. The good books are the ones where I feel that I can at least relate to one of the characters for one reason or another.
I really just like getting lost in THEIR story.
I get sad when the last page is read - I don't want it to be left up to my imagination what happens next - I rather stay lost.
Which is probably why I then turn to the next book and begin getting lost in a new story.
The current book I'm reading though I'm having a very hard time reading. Jen gave it to me to read. She read it and liked it and thought I would too. Its called "The Lovely Bones". Its about a girl who is murdered and her heaven and the lives of her family as she watches them from her heaven. I'm reading this book much more slowly than I have others. I wasn't ready to read this book, to hear this story. Its a book I think I would have 2 years ago, right now I'm almost completely emotionless about it - I do not like it but I do not dislike it - I'm sure I have an opinion - but its like my thoughts - my opinion is in a different language and I'm not letting myself know what it is - its like its being locked in a box for my own protection maybe. I'm still not ready - but I read it anyway.... I'm nearing the end and I don't want to near the end - somewhat because of reasons I've previously explained - I'm lost in the story of the lives being told.... but also because I'm fearful about the ending of this one - I'm not ready....but I'll keep reading.

GRRRRR GAK!

2007-10-29T14:08:00.000-07:00

I'm getting really frustrated. I'm sick of it.
I just feel like I always get the short end of the stick... and yes I realize that I have some awesome things in my life - things like family, friends, food, clothes, a roof etc.. that I would never trade.... but I just can't believe the amount of crappy luck I seem to have follow me.
I was up for a teaching gig next semester and I was told it was mine because I have all the qualifications - it would just matter if someone with higher credentials applied (ie had a finished Masters or a Ph.D. etc...)... well guess what happened today - someone with a freaking completed Masters applied and obviously gets the job over me. WHICH SUCKS - because the reason why I'm not done my thesis is a) they made me qualify because I was health sciences and not kinesiology (a rule that has been changed somewhat since I started).....b) I couldn't propose throughout the summer because people on my panel were gone on vacation....c) ethics took two months to pass. Well Effing Eh.
So now if my thesis rolls into the Jan semester I'm screwed because I won't have a job (you can't TA/GA more than four times...and I won't be teaching) so I can't afford it. So I finished in Jan... great NOW WHAT??? Move back home and work at the bank until September rolls around and hopefully at that time I go back to fun school for a Ph.D.???
I was really hoping 2008 would be an awesome year - that maybe things would finally start falling into place and things would be turning up Paula....and yes - I'm sure this has happened for a reason - a reason that I'll understand in the future - and I know that this not getting of the teaching gig is small - but in the end it has a ripple effect.... and I'm just so frustrated because I just can't win. If I was someone horrible person I'd understand - but thats the thing - I'm a good person... or at least I try to be - so why does life have to be a constant obstacle course? I don't understand.
I'm losing all motivation very quickly - I wish I could just marry rich and do volunteer work the rest of my life ...hahaha

SUPERHERO WORLD.... YIPPEE!

2007-10-23T17:41:00.000-07:00

Go figure that the Superman fan is going to finally talk about comics and superheroes.

Tonight on Beauty and the Geek the Beauty's got to create a a superhero (story and all).... and the Geek's had to design and create the outfits.

I've also always admired my friend Massimo's abilty in creating superheros and comics and such... very talented.

I have always enjoyed the superhero world. The last book I just finished reading was "All my friends are superheros" and I absolutely loved this very short book! I absolutely love being entertained by Smallville n Thursdays at 8pm.....I love the topic but it also helps that Tom Welling in my mind is so good looking (which I've learned, if I find someone "cute"... Sharon thinks they are "goofy" looking... which ok for the most part might be true... but I think Tom Welling is really hot.. and not goofy).

I've often wondered what superhero I would be. I was even thinking about creating a superhero outfit this halloween before agreeing to do a "group" outfit..... I have a cool mask I bought thats silver - and I was going to incorporate red.. maybe with flames.. and maybe take some influence of Shan's "Spoonman" costume one year... maybe next year.

What would your powers be?

I'm not sure what my powers would be - but this weekend I was told what one person thought my downfall or my weakness was. I feel the world's sorrow too much and want to do everything in my power to make things better for them - to hep them - which is often out of my control and power.... so my weakness might possibly be the world's sorrow? But I did tell this person that I do want people to be happy... and I do like trying to help people if I can - but I also know that I can't do everything - I can't always do the right thing either --- and not all the things I do do are helpful.... and although it makes me happy when friends and family are happy....but my happiness does not depend on it.

Two Thousand and Eight...... Already?

2007-10-22T16:44:00.000-07:00

I know that Halloween has not yet even come to be - and that is the nearest holiday. I think its even my favourite holiday. As a kid I use to love dressing up and going door to door....I even loved dumping all our treasure (candy) on the dining room table and then separating it all into piles of various categories.... I think I loved the sorting part even better than the eating part! Don't get me wrong - anyone who knows me realizes I ate more than my fair share of the candy - but I dunno....(insert drifting thoughts and memories here....)
Then there is Christmas of course.. I've already put in my request for turkey - and hopefully a real turkey - a whole one - not just a breast - and not a chicken...
But - I've really had New Years on my mind the last few days. The most dressed up I've ever been for New Years is for the Hawaii based theme we had one year in London - awesome New Years...but I've never done the classy thing. The dressed up thing. Reason being is because thats usually the more expensive route to take. Also - even though I have several formal dresses - I'm just more comfortable in pjs.. hahaha. I like to dress up - but usually end up feeling very uncomfortable dressed up - not because I'm cutting off circulation or anything - but because I never feel like a princess - and I guess in my head I feel that when I girl gets all glamoured up she should feel like a princess - and almost every time I've been to a formal event it never gets close to the hopes and expectations I have for it - instead of feeling like a princess I usually feel depressed and like a huge heap of crap. So maybe that is another reason why I have stayed away from the "fairy tale" New Years - I don't really know.
The important part about New Years to me is trying to spend it with family or friends - as I've aged its definitely been the latter of the two.
Its also funny that I've been thinking of New Years because I'm the girl who wants to stop time - who wants to go back in time - who just would like the clock to stop moving so fast......

From the desk of a sick girl.

2007-10-14T12:42:00.000-07:00

The day I dislike the most in the whole calendar year passed on Monday. It was my birthday. Most people like to make a fuss over their birthday - whether that includes throwing a party, going drinking, gathering friends for a nice dinner....I like to ignore mine. I like to think of it as just another day. Most people are busy on my birthday anyway as it typically falls on the Thanksgiving Weekend. My mom this year for my birthday decided she'd give me her illness. Six days later I'm still not able to speak with a strong voice, nor for very long because words result in a coughing fit. I spent three days in bed, literally, barely getting out to go to the bathroom. Today I sit in front of my computer hopeful I will get some work done as I have things due tomorrow that my ailments have prevented my from already completing. The crappy part is that my football team is on the field right now (hopefully winning) and I cannot be there. When I woke this morning I decided I'd go - getting out would do me some good - then a 20 minute coughing fit and a box of tissues later I decided that it wasn't meant for me to go. But enough about that... lets rewind time for a moment.

Thursday. October 4th.
After school, which was a short day because the day before was so horrible, Danielle and I drove to my house. Who came on the radio - Johnny Cash. It was a "hold you head high and keep moving on" type feeling...(Wednesday was a bad day because my two advisors decided to sit me down and tell me all the constructive critcism they had gathered up against me over the last 2 years... I like feedback, and I appreciated constructive criticism, but 2 years worth at once is a lot to take. They also did this right before my ethics trial... awesome. I had a 15 hour day at school... I had a lot of thinking to do - as to whether or not I am meant to be an academic, what else I am to do in my life, whats the point of anything.... and I definitely did not want to go back to my house, because well Ariana has pretty much moved in with her boyfriend, and the other roommates drive me up the wall, the only reason why I stayed in the house was because of Ariana, but I barely see/speak with her anymore :( )... back to Thursday.
Danielle and I got ourselves ready, jumped in Hank (her car) and crossed the border... on to the Brad Paisley concert we went. Taylor Swift was the first opening act - I had heard her live before and she was aweful so I was not looking forward to her performance. But I was pleasantly surprised - she sounded much better, not great, but better, and her personality as awesome that she won me over in the end. During her performance there were three people in the row in front of us. Two females and one male. We were trying to figure out which girl he was with, we figured it was the brunette girl... and we decided she was more into him than he was into her. They left after Taylor finished performing. Next on was Rodney Atkins and he was awesome - love that guy! He made me realize something odd. I'm sure you know, but often times there is just a characteristic about the opposite sex that catches your eye more readily than its absense. Well right now if there were two attractice guys in front of me (yes basing this on looks and not personality, but personality in the end plays a much more influential role!)... and one guy was a country boy wearing a yellow t-shirt and totally pulling off that yellow shirt, I'm much more attracted to him. Yop thats right - I'm in my "country boy yellow shirt wearing" phase. HAHAHA. Then Brad Paisley himself came on! Two of the three from the row in front of us, the boy and the blonde. Turns out the brunette was one of their mothers and was feeding these two 16 year olds booze. Well didn't they become annoying. During a slow song everyone sat down except these two - who were clearly blocking the view of myself and the girl to my right. If they were dancing - whatever - but they weren't - they were pretty much having sex, as the girl was wearing a miniskirt and showed flashes of her "britney". I eventually tapped the boy ont he shoulder and said "would you mind sitting down because I paid money to see Brad Paisley and not see you two f%%%ing molest each other. He didn't like that very much but the girl beside me was very thankful. The guy started chirping back at me and I told him he had two choices 1) sit down and behave himself or 2) leave. He decided to invent a third option called "fighting back". Danielle decided to try and teach the boy some manners as the crowd around us starting to help us out. The best part was when Danielle asked where the brunette chick went we were told she was in the "limo"... we then asked how old this guy was and why he hadn't been taught not only how to respect himself and his girlfriend but all the other people around him - he replied "older than you"... which made everyone laugh - and then the drunk kid decided to tell us, why we still don't know, that Burt Reynolds was also in the limo waiting! WHAT?... anyway - they ended up leaving shortly after.
Brad Paisley otherwise put on a good show... but when it was over and he had yet to coem do his encore we were trying to think of what song he had left to sing. He came back on - started playing the instrumental intro... and Danielle turns to me and says "This isn't a Brad Paisley song" to which I reply "I know, its Johnny Cash". What are the freaking odds of that???? So two Thursdays in a row I've heard a J.Cash song TWICE - after not hearing him for a year. This Thursday just passed I spent it in bed - so I heard nothing....
but I should get back to my homework - I have a manuscript to write for tomorrow... yeah good luck on that one!! hahahah
P.S. - WELCOME HOME JEN!!!!!

Johnny's proud.

2007-09-28T20:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was an interesting day.
I woke up and got ready to head to London.
On the drive to London I heard a Johnny Cash song - I haven't listen to him since my dad's visitation. But I didn't turn the dial - rather I listened to it and took it as a sign that my father was with me and sending me good luck.
Good luck for what you ask?
I had a PhD interview and Western.
Upon driving to campus the parking lot I was going to park at was being reserved for a charity event - but as I turned the corner I saw a flash of black and red - I saw a pretty female walking down the road who I could not help but notice. I decided to honk my horn and pull over to the side of the road and take my chances she'd return the call. To my surprise she did. She approached slowly having no idea the driver of the car. She looked confused...and rightfully so - a stranger has beckoned her to stop along her path and seek who is inside. She took the risk - and obviously was pleasantly surprised when she saw that it was I sitting in the driver's seat. What are the random chances that I was going to run into Sharon, yes the Sharon on the side of the road? I didn't know she was in town - and she didn't know I was either. That is how two people know they are destined to be friends - when in life they have random meetings....as you see this was not our first, nor do I believe it will be the last. Some of my other favourite random Sharon-Paula runins --- First year undergrad... just finished writing Chemistry midterm - prof was going to post the marks less than an hour after writing. I was curious to know how I did. Sharon wanted to know the same as her two year old son was sick and she was unsure the next time she'd be able to come to town and make it to class. We sat in the hallway for about 20 minutes talking before the marks were posted. (I had previously recognized Sharon from Talon's 2nd bday in our Kin class, and from the first day of class in chem when she won a textbook... she did not know me, and even after this conversation it would turn out she wouldn't recall the runin! hahaha... but the next year she was in my kitchen through no effort of my own!). About two years ago while driving along the 401 heading in the Eastbound lanes...drove up along side Ms. Sabourin... yeah what are the odds of that one? hahaha
Anyway ---
I did run into a bunch of other people on campus throughout the day and evening - that was really nice - because I can't run into friends on Windsor campus! You need to have friends there for that to happen! hahahah.
I had a lovely dinner with John, went and saw Pat play a set with Adam and Irene, visited my friend from Windsor who is now doing his PhD at Western... and Tommy S and I had a few random bump-ins. Definitely didn't get to see a few faces I would have liked too - but my interview also went almost 5 hours long - that takes up a decent chunk of your day - especially when there is also the 2 our drive there and back...there goes 9 hours of the day!
Thats right - I said that I drove back to Windsor that day too.
Here's the funny part....on a different radio station - I heard Johnny Cash again. And what I was listening to ended with "Johnny would be proud"....I like to think that was my dad's way of telling me that he's proud... and even if its not - and it had nothing to do with my dad - I don't care - I'm going to think of it as that anyway.

I hate goodbyes.

2007-09-21T20:47:00.000-07:00

I got bit by an earwig.
You read that right - I said an earwig... and it bit me....on the finger.
I saw an earwig in the house - I hit it with the side of my hand to stop it from running away, mission accomplished. I didn't have a tissue nearby and I didn't want it to disappear if I left and came back for it - so I decided I'd just pick the little guy up and escort it to the toilet myself. He had other plans. He bit me! It really hurt! What do you do if an earwig bites you? I don't know.
So I called my mom, the RN.
I was to wash it in alcohol...and put a specific cream on it.
So as an FYI - if you see an earwig - don't pick it up...at least not with your skin exposed... they bite and it hurts.
In other news - tomorrow morning I have to say goodbye to Billy. I'm quite upset about this. Billy (my car) was purchased when I lived in Whitby. He made the move. He joined me a Western. He came with me to Windsor. My dad has drove Billy. My dad also rode in Billy. Billy brought my home when I found out my dad died. I spent many hours just me and Billy as he safely brought me to several destinations. I'd talk to Billy, we'd sing... most of the time he was my home away from home... I lived with Billy and spent more time with him than I probably did living in a house. I didn't get a choice in the matter of giving up Billy. I didn't get to do research as to who my new riding companion would be....and as you should know by now I absolutely am no good with change. I get that Billy is just a car - and cars break, and need to be replaced - and most people would be excited or thrilled at getting a new car - and I get that the new car will come with new memories and such - there's just been too much change in the last year and I'm just not good at putting on a smile and pretending like everything is ok - because it isn't. But that is life. We shall move on. Hopefully towards better times, to always look back fondly on the past and smile with the memories never to forget.

Satisfactory....

2007-09-07T12:16:00.000-07:00

Jen, Sharon.... and others who may care that read this...

The proposal is now complete... it was a bit entertaining - but complete.

At the beginning I got tongue tied and thanked my family for being there - yet no relatives were in attendance - hahaha - I'm a loser.

But the presentation went fine - some people feel asleep (for example on my advisors).... but it was ok... and the questioning period for the most part was a discussion - and when I understood the question I answered the question - when I didn't understand the question - I danced around the answer.... but I survived - no big deal -- few sligth changes - once again - not a big deal (or so I'm told)...

So a passed.... thats my story, and I'm sticking to it

Needing more than superman to make it through Friday

2007-09-05T15:07:00.000-07:00

I had to go to Diary Queen tonight.
I didn't deserve to go to DQ - but I needed to go.
Yesterday I had to plan a bunch of O-Week stuff for the newbies (Scrubs reference) coming to Grad school in HK at Windsor. Which was fine - and I obviously was doing this as I tend to have an issue telling people no.
However, I wasn't the smartest choice for the job.
1) they asked me to set up a base/soft-ball game....I haven't picked up a bat since I was seven I'm pretty sure. But I booked a field, rented equipment, and got people to show up. I was ok in the field but horrible up to bat... but I wasn't really trying because I didn't want to get in the "competitive" mind set - I wanted to stay relaxed and have fun - which usually means I'm not playing well....but havign fun nonetheless
2) I'm not from Windsor - nor did I do my undergrad here, thus I do not know the managers or door guys or have contacts in general for people who work at the bars - but I managed to pick a spot for a Tuesday night that went well - people showed up and I think everyone had a good time.
3) I propose my thesis this week....that means I have a lot of other things to worry about rather than running around doing o-week stuff.
After going to bed at 3am because I was up doing work after a return from the bar outing.. I had to get up early to have a jam packed full day of stuff - and still wasn't very successful at getting done what I need to for today - so its going to eb another long night I think....
I just need to remember to breathe --- but I'm definitely wishing I was still at Sharon's parents place sitting around the table drinking 7 year old Cuban rum and playing what ever card game people want to play....

Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister

2007-08-25T08:10:00.000-07:00

This is a passage that is in the book I am currently reading that I thought was very interesting and oh so true - and yet one that I can relate to myself as I often find myself lacking confidence....yet I should hold my head high as I am a good person, I have a lot to offer another individual - and I should be proud.

Iris: "I don't know how to improve my lot, unless it's to take a heavy Spanish veil and hige my ugly face from the good citizens of Haarlem"

The Master: "Self-mockery is an uglier thing than any human face, Iris. No one can pretend you are a pretty wench, but you are smart and you are kind. Don't betray those impulses in yourself. Don't belabor the lack of physical beauty, which in any case eventually flees those who have it, and makes them sad."

I need superman.... he needs to make things better

2007-08-21T16:50:00.000-07:00

So a lot has happened in the last few days.

I went to London on Sunday to attend the meeting of the Trifecta. This was much needed as the doctor, the lawyer, and the professor got together for pretty much no good. We entertained the waitress in Port Stanely.... it was a shame that Col. Sanders wasn't actually available to join us. I understand that this doesn't make much sense to those who were not there - but go with it. We went out that night - and met up with a bunch of other people at the bar downtown - which was good.

When I drove to London I listened to Jeff Foxworthy on the radio. Then on the way back to my mom's - I listened to the exact same show... THEN when I drove to Windsor - it was on again! Different stations too! He had a segment where people could call in and say their own "you know you're a redneck when..." so I thought i'd share some of my own...

You know you are a redneck when all the people in the county you live in fit on three pages in a phone book and they're aint no one you aren't related too

You know you are a redneck when your neighbour's pickup truck is not only his vehicle to get around but it is also the kids school bus, the county firetruck and santa's sleigh in the christmas parade!

I had another one about where my mama lives but I dont recall what it is at the moment.

The last 24 hours though have been not fun.

Chutney has been driving me up the wall..... but that is a whole other story not to be published on a website that she might stumble across.....
Due to the rain the basement flooded - which of course where my room is
The main floor flooded due to the dishwasher exploding -
I got to clean both up by myself - no one bothered to offer me help....(and there were other people in the house)
I found out that I might not actually get a tuition scholarship this semester.... due to no fault of my own but a screw up in administration and there might be nothing I can do about it - and this is horrible because I don't have the money to pay for my tuition --- I can't really take a semester off because well I'm finally about to propose - because FINALLY everyone will be in Windsor at the same time and not on vacation or away for conferences....so I've just been really sick to my stomach the last little bit - which you would think would help one lose weight - but instead I've gained and I'm pretty pissed about that too!

On a brighter note - 1) YEAH RAFA IS COMING TO CANADA 2) JEN CALLED ME FROM AFRICA and 3) I didn't talk about th obits - although there were additions I could have made!!!

I dream a dream a dreamer may dream of dreaming in their dreams...huh?

2007-08-11T17:50:00.000-07:00

I had a crazy dream the other night... this isn't actually out of the ordinary for me - I often have the most interesting dreams - but this one just seemed so real!!

In this particular dream, myself with three other girls, Jen, Danielle (a girl that rents a room in the house I live in in Windsor ---> who throughout the last year I've probably seen a total of 5 times! hahaha) and another girl who I can't recall. We had just moved into thise BEAUTIFUL three floor house. White seemed to be the main colour used as part of the house... the outside house panels were white... the walls on the inside were white, and some of the funiture was white. The other main colour in the house was an oak wood - because the stairs and floor were wood! hahaha - but the white should have given it away that I was dreaming if the rest of what occurred in the dream didn't!!! My mom would never let me wear white growing up because less than five minutes of wearing it - the article would no longer be white! hahaha

Upon walking in the front door of the house a closet was to your left, you'd be standing in a bit of an alcove and if you went to your right you'd go to the entrance to the garage, the laundry room, and a bathroom. Straight ahead of you down a hallway to your and slightly to your right after the hallway was a huge open concept kitchen. The kitchen had a wrap around counter that as acted as a table top with bar stools! Behind this towards a window that showed the backyard was a dinning table and chairs. To the left of the kitchen/dinning area was a sitting room - it was just a room that I guess was more like a library or conservatory - but we at least not at the events of the dream used it often. Back to the front door... if standing at the door there is that closet to your immediate left - but if one took two steps forward you would be able to see a door to the left - this lead to a bedroom of the girl who I can't recall who she was. And then of course there was the staircase that led upstairs. Upstairs was a bathroom, three bedrooms and the coolest sitting/tv room/recreation room at the front of the house. We spent a lot of time in this room - so much so that on the countertop that was in there we put a microwave so we could make our popcorn there rather than having to run downstairs for it - as well as a kettle that Jen and I used to make tea and hot chocolate every day. In this room we spent a lot of time just chatting, or reading or watching tv.
Well guess who our neighbours to the right (if facing the house) is the next interesting point of the dream.
Our neighbours were Victoria and David Beckham! Jen and I both happened to go over there a bunch. We only hung out mainly in there kitchen - or in the back yard that had a GREAT pond and stone gardens!!! One night while taking out the garbage I actually got to meet Posh Spice's son who was also taking out the garbage. His name was Homer - and wow - he was the same age as us. He was also in school - but lived a low profile life, unlike his parents. The two of us got along really well - but it was a shy conversation that 15 years might have - and thus did not last very long.
The next few days Victoria kept bugging me about my encounter with her son - and that the lad seemed to have taken a fancy to me! hahahaha.
WELL - if the dream wasn't crazy enough there.. it got more interesting.
That weekend we had a few friends over and we were hanging out in our upstairs room listening to some music, having a few cocktails and getting ready to go out for the night - a girls night. The main topic of conversation was Posh Spice. One of our friends was asking what Jen and I thought of her - was Posh actually nice.... was she smart.... was she actually pretty.... because this person asking us the questions in her experience didn't think she was pretty, thought she was a complete ditz and thought that she was a bee with an itch. Jen and I thought she so far had been a great neighbour and we had enjoyed all of our conversations and encounters. Who was the person that we were discussing this wit - well of course the one and only Madonna!
hahahaha
The details of the dream are still very crisp in my mind - that is actually what I feel to be the odd part because I usually remember the dreams when I awake - but as the days go on the details fade and I eventually forget the dream in a couple of days and fill my head with other thoughts and scenerios - however, this dream is just so real - its weird...

Oh What a Beautiful MORNING - I Cain't Say No - The Farmer and the Cow man should be FRIENDS.

2007-08-08T18:55:00.001-07:00

The Friday
Nothing much exciting happened on Friday. I got taken out for lunch – that was actually exciting! Vicki is an awesome lady with whom I work – we had Chinese – no none of it was cat – I’m positive.

The Saturday
My evilness came into play.
I woke up early and went shopping. No I didn’t buy clothes or shoes but rather food and alcohol – so just as good.
I bought hamburger, onion, wine, beer, coolers. I think that’s it. Later on in the day I realized I forgot the hamburger buns – so I had to return to the store.Aine came up to my mom’s place – without Parker – which is a story in and of itself. She helped my evil plans come into play.
I made hamburgers from scratch – I’d never done this before – and I probably should have looked up a recipe rather than making it up. Don’t worry they tasted good – I just didn’t add eggs to hold them together – so a few crumbled on me…but the majority held together – the crumblers – they got the cheese! Cheeseburgers that is! Oh wait – I also bought corn! Mmmmm corn on the cob!
So – with corn, hamrburgers, hot dogs, potato salad, macaroni salad, marshmallow salad, two raspberry pies, and a bunch of tarts (and a bunch of booze) I invited my Nana (who made the salads and desserts), aunts, uncles and a few of my mom’s friends over for a surprise bday dinner for my mom! She cried. I made my mom cry! But it was a good cry. Well I think…. there still is the possibility that she cried because she realized she wasn’t going to church this weekend. She had to work on the weekend – and church usually is Saturday after shes off --- but instead of coming home to go to church – there was a house full of people --- its ok – I asked my Nana in advance for her blessing to obstruct my mom from going to church – she said it was ok!

The Sunday
Aine and I hung out a little bit longer – we took my sister to church in the morning – and watched tv into the afternoon. (It was also Ariana’s bday … she was in Windsor – I was not… my friend Fearon also got married… she was in New Brunswick – I was not)

The Monday
I realized that August 6th should possibly be a more sad day for me than the 7th --- because the last time I saw my dad (alive) was the 6th…. So that realization was a bit sad. I got to drive into Sarnia and meet up with Barry and Josdalyne, who although live in Ottawa, were in the area for the long weekend.
Oh yeah – I forgot – we also got a phone call on the weekend – it was our last telephone automatic alarm to allow us to update our obit listings! That’s right we’ve sadly had to say goodbye to another. So the Monday night my mom and my Nana went to the funeral home (I stayed home with my sister)… we had the option of going to the funeral the following morning – and really what better way to celebrate the memory of my father on the day of his passing than to go to a funeral…. we didn’t go.

The Tuesday
We woke up early. I don’t really think my mom slept. This is the interesting story day.
My Nana came to the house early in the morning too. We all got ready…. I mapquested and printed stuff off – we all got into the mustang (me driving) and we headed to Stratford. I had previously bought tickets for the 4 of us to go see the musical Oklahoma. Woo woo.
So we headed to Stratford. Not an easy task – it was POURING RAIN! The winds were strong, the roads were crap (pot holes and slippery!) so the drive was not smooth…it was rocky. Later my Nana admitted that she spent the latter half of the drive praying the roads would become less violent because with every bump she became one step closer to wetting her pants! Ahhh grammas so cute!. My mom was riding shotgun – and by the rules of the person riding shotgun – they are the official navigator. It is not the fault of the driver if you get lost – because the shotgun passenger is in charge of directions. My mom couldn’t even figure out which way was North. It’s a good thing I knew where I was going (well… I didn’t know where I was going because I hadn’t been there before – but I had a good idea of at least how to get there!). We go there. It was still raining.
We were hungry – so step one – was complete…we got to Stratford… step two – do a drive by of the theatre… CHECK – step three find a freaking place to eat. Easier said then done. I drove around and found a little diner – it was pretty good. Great service – good food.
Hahaha – but there was a lady. A little old lady – of an age I’d rather not guess. She and her husband walked in moments before me and my gang. She started talking to my mom before we were even able to place our buttocks upon the chairs…close – kind of like how Ellen D. hovers over the chair so the music guy (not Tony but the new guy) doesn’t quite stop playing the music – but is ever so close because she’s a fraction of a hair from sitting – but could also bounce back up and continue dancing…
Anyway – the lady throughout the next hour – does not stop talking. We sometimes interact with her – other times we just let her keep talking and pay no attention to her --- that didn’t bother her though… we learned about why she can’t wear white, that she sold her house but wished she hadn’t… about her favourite places to go in Stratford, etc.. the best part – was that after her husband finished eating – he got up and went to the car and sat there in the drivers seat completing a crossword puzzle while listening to some music….no seriously – its true – they had parked right in front of the restaurant so we had a clear view --- she even laughed about it!!! Once again – didn’t phase her – she kept on talking…
After some food we went to Ontario street – the “main” street. We went into a bunch of shops. The chocolate shop, the toy shop and bunch of other stores. One was the holiday store – the Christmas store to be more specific. AWESOME – my mom loves xmas stuff – plus – we needed to buy a camel! Yes a camel. Every xmas my dad would set up Mary, Joseph, baby Jesus, shepards, the wise mine, lambs, ox, and camels. Well – one of the camels broke…. Smashed! I was so upset by this – but we thought surely we’d be able to buy a new one from an xmas store…. My mom was so optimistic walking into this store she got a BUGGY BASKET! We walked out with nothing. NOTHING. We could have bought an assortment of board games or 2008 calendars… yop – that’s holiday stuff! Hahahaha
After this my Nana needed a rest so we went to Tims and sat a bit – then we went to a bookstore – my request. It was a classic old time independently run book store. It was awesome. He had ONE Hemmingway book – that was unfortunate. I did buy a book though – The confessions of the ugly stepsister – I’m very excited to read it.
We shopped some more, went for dinner and that evening headed to the show and had a great time!
After the show we headed back home – via a different route because while driving there I realized a much better route to take. However, this would be a devastating adventure.
After passing through a sliver of London – and just outside of Lobo is when it happened. I still can’t believe it happened.
My mom was telling Laura (for like the 100th time) to sit back in her seat because one time I just might have to SLAM on the breaks and she’d smashed her face on something – or snap her overly weak neck. Although the drive to Stratford was rainy – the return was foggy and muggy (YUCK). Well – at this particular point there were two cars in front of me – none that I could see behind – and no oncoming traffic – and only one lane with which to drive in my direction. Then I saw them – raccoons. UHOH – they aren’t going to cross – they see us – they aren’t stupid. I was wrong… they kept coming – but I couldn’t do anything – I couldn’t swerve to the left – I’d hit the family. I couldn’t swerve to the right – I’d flip the car in a ditch. I couldn’t slam on the breaks because well it wouldn’t really make a difference from hitting the poor guy – but would most likely injure my sister… and well I couldn’t try and drive faster to get out of the way because I’d hit the car ahead of me – so sadly – Jen’s raccoon road-kill Halloween costume now has a friend. Poor fluffy guy.. sniff… I’ve only ever hit one thing before while driving – and I’m only 99% sure I hit it --- and that was a seagull one morning returning home after a shift at AMC. After my Nana telling me I did the best thing with the raccoon situation – a POSSUM comes onto the road – I could swerve to the left this time to miss it thank goodness!
There was more to the story – but that’s enough for now!
We got back home around 2am… I got up early in the morning and returned to Windsor…and now I’m pooped and my eyes are burning – so I’ll be going to bed soon…mmmmm…. Bed…

The good the bad and the ugly

2007-08-02T06:48:00.000-07:00

I was able to drive down to Toronto for Saturday night. I first went to Sharon's place and dropped off my car and "stuff". I then hopped on a bus to the subway station and took the subway to the other end of the line. I've been on the subway tons of times before - but this was actually the first time by myself. I didn't have an ipod or music device, I didn't bring a book or magazine, and unlike most trips on the gotrain - no one left a newspaper on a nearby seat.
Yet - I was still entertained.
I people watched.
I watched little kids causing frustrations for their caregivers - but definitely creating entertainment for onlookers.
I watched people almost miss their stops.
I saw a group of people come towards the subway as it "dinged" meaning the doors were going to close - one girl jumped on thinking others would follow suit - and the girl right behind her totally tried to follow suit - and would have been successful in her attempt if the doors didn't shut.
So here was one girl from a group of like five or six on the subway laughing uncontrollably as her friends were still standing on the platform. Now if it were me - I'd just ride the subway to the destination -- this girl however just got off at the next stop - and the ending left to my imagination suggests that she just got on the next train that came along. But have no fear it wasn't like she was really separated from her friends - the moment she couldn't see them anymore from the panes of glass separating them - she sat down and started to text message them on her phone..... oh technology.
What I really enjoyed doing - because it was kind of like an experiment - but arguably a bit creepy... I would watch the people who would pass by on the platform (me in my seat) I'd make eye contact with one of them - and see how long they kept it. I wasn't moving - but they'd be walking and going behind poles and such - One guy ... who was really cute - but one again those stupid closed panes of glasses made our romance only a brief few moments long - we would obviously have text messaged each other - but sadly we had not previously met to exchange numbers - plus lets be honest - I probably would have given him my msn, or facebook contact before my phone number -- see technology again changes our modes of communication! hahaha
I also enjoyed trying to guess where people were going to sit when they got on the subway. I didn't sit in the most enjoyable seat on the way to Maggies' - and I had multiple opportunities to change my seat - for example to one that had a arm rest or wall to either side of me thus offering a false sense of security - but I stayed still.
Maggie's was a good time -- we went to a bar I'd never been too - and my roommate Ariana was able to meet up with us too! There were good stories, good laughs, good times.
The next day I hung out with Sharon for a bit - which was very enjoyable as always.
Thats the good
I don't really remember what I was going to say about the ba --- there was something I thought of this week that I was going to discuss - but apparently its not on the tip of my tongue - because currently thoughts of the ugly are taking over!
I have strange fears. Most people are not afraid of fish - at least not to the extent that they refuse to watch a cartoon movie about fish - but I do. I have a fear of car washes - but that relates back to the fish fear - because when I was younger and we went through them - those things that came over the car I thought were the arms of an octopus and sea urchins... etc... so I didn't like them and still don't. I have also had a fear of bridges. I've seen some horrible looking bridges - and I'm just fearful that one day I'm going to be on a bridge or even underneath and its going to crumble and fall.
Realistically I know that fish are not going to think my toes are worms and eat me. Realistically I know that there are no water creatures in the car wash that are trying to attack me. And Realistically I thought that if a bridge collapsed I'd have enough time to get to safety....but now, do to this story that happened in Minneapolis I'm not so sure any more.....

http://www.boston.com/news/nation/articles/2007/08/02/bridge_disaster_in_minneapolis/

John's Beaver?

2007-07-26T15:16:00.000-07:00

I came hoome from school yesterday to be greeted by a beaver. Thats right - I said a beaver. He was sitting in my drive and kindly moved out of the way so I could park my car. He went to the steps of the porch and just watched me. He didn't look scared - he looked interested to see what I would do next - like a quiet three old watching mom come home from work. He was very friendly and VERY CUTE! I didn't touch him though - or really go near him because I was unsure as to what he might do. I didn't know what to do about the fact that I now had a beaver on my property - do I call animal control? I looked them up in the phonebook - there was only a number for pest control - so I called the humane society....I got the answering machine. So I called Brian - he's in Windsor - he's pretty smart - maybe he'll know. He said to just leave him alone and he'll find his way back home - thats what I thought too - but I wanted to make sure.
I still feel like I should come up with a name for him --- or call Bell Canada and inform them I have one of their mascots! hahaha.
As for John - that would be Mr. Travolta. I decided to watch Hairspray last night - sort of a guilty pleasure I suppose. I didn't go to the theatre though. It was an ok movie - nothing special though. But I don't understand why John Travolta plays a female role. I don't see why he didn't play a male role --- or why his character couldn't be played by a female... I just don't get it - aybe I'm missing something --- I haven't looked up the past of the play either to see if the role is typically played by a male - and even if that is tradition - I still don't get it. Its not that John Travolta did a bad job - it was ok I guess.... but definitely a bit creepy...

if you don't want the obits - don't read this

2007-07-24T16:14:00.000-07:00

Well.... I just need to write.
It just hasn't been fun times lately. A girl I go to school with is definitely having a hard time. Her father was in an accident and is in the hospital. He just got some movement back to his hands - but no strength. He still cannot feel his legs - and by the sounds of it the doctors don't seem too optimistic about it - but I hope he's determined and got a good fight in him!
Another guy that I have gone to school with via my Masters - his father unfortunately had a massive heart attack the other night while sleeping and passed away. I sadly can relate to having to deal with the unexpected passing of a father.
As I type this Sharon just told me of her unfortunate BBQ incident that landed her in hospital - not good either - thankfully she will be ok - but still - not good....
I feel that is a sign that I shouldn't type anymore about the crappy situations going on lately - so I'll end it at that - and state that I hope the sun starts to shine and everyone can hold their chins up!

The return of the spatula!

2007-07-17T14:43:00.000-07:00

Today I woke up with the thought that it was going to be a better day. I had originally woke at 4 something in the morning - like most sane individuals who don't need to be up for another four hours - I went back to sleep. Three and a half hours later I officially started my day - but I wasn't moving at a fast pace - but that was ok - the latest I could appear at school as 10am - plenty o' time.
However - before I even made it to school I was on the verge of tears - and no the spatula didn't try and act out a revolt from the night before.
I drove to school with my many bags of books.... I parked the car... I got out of the car and leaned back in to grab my books. As I came back out of the car - BAM! Knocked my head off the frame of the car. That hurts - it hurts real bad when you also hit the exact spot you are wearing a hard hair clip - the exact spot - that takes talent!
To make matters worse - the door of the car closes on me. Thats not to so bad. Its not even a bad thing that the door was locked. The bad part is that my purse and keys were still on the seat INSIDE the car. AWESOME. I don't have CAA either.
Even if I did I don't have time to call them - its ten minutes to ten and I have two people coming in to do an experiment for me. CRAP.
The experiment went well - and I was even smart enough to find someone in the place to help me unlock my car with a hanger! PHEW~! Day is going to be ok.
Just to make sure though I decide to play some cricket with Tim and Chris in the lab (sure - we shouldn't be smacking a ball - that we made from elastics and tape - around a room with lots of expensive equipment - but its just not the same to play it outside - plus its not a game about how far and hard you can hit the ball - but its all about placement.
I turned out to be not too bad at it either - tennis and baseball skills paying off!
Then I ended up having a meeting with the advisor - that at first was not going well - but in the end it was ok - at least that was my opinion - I can never tell what he actually thinks about me!
Now I'm going out to dinner - things should be good hear on in!

What a Spatula can do for you!

2007-07-16T18:22:00.000-07:00

I threw a spatula.
Its true I did.
I was washing the dishes and after I washed the spatula I threw it into the drying rack. This made my roommate laugh.
It also provided me with soem guilty satisifaction. TAKE THAT SPATULA!
But would did the spatula do to me?
Nothing... actually it was helpful.
The spatula helped me flip over the black berry pancakes I was making (with a fresh strawberry sauce.. yum).
The spatula was helpful.
The spatula who probably thought upon its creation and enterance into the world assumed its only job would be to flip things - was mistaken.
The spatula would also serve the purpose of releasing some pent up frustration via me.
I don't feel bad for the spatula - it didn't scream... it don't bounce back in protest... it took the slamming and stayed silent.
Today just hasn't been a good day. It really hasn't been bad either - but it has been emotionally straining.
School just gets too frustrating at times - and makes me wonder seriously what I'm doing. I realize there are crappy days where one just wants to drop out - it happens - it is part of the process - but usually something happens to triggor it.
Nothing bad happened - I'm just frustrated.
I don't understand why I still haven't proposed and why this is taking so freaking long.
Oh well.... life will work itself out...

WWCKD? What Would Clark Kent Do?

2007-07-15T21:25:00.001-07:00

I have a hard time picturing my future.... but than again I have a hard time believing that I have lived all the things I've experienced in life already.
With the civic holidya slowly approaching I've been thinking a lot about what I have accomplished in the last year - I don't recall much of anything - I hope didn't waste it.
Which brings me back to my future.
Do I do a PhD - do I find a job and start a career - do I stay with the bank adn work my way up?
I don't know.
I'd like to try and do the PhD - to see if I can do it - and not always wonder if I could.
I'd like to see if I have what it takes to be a professor - who knows maybe I'll suck.
But if I pursue a PhD will I regret it because I won't find Mr. Right - or I'll stay in Windsor to finish my degree and possibly become really lonely with my friends living primarily between London and Toronto areas?
Do I do what my mom wants me to do (which I believe is highly influenced by my brother) and thus not do a PhD and stay in the bank for the rest of my life - possibly underchallenged and depressed?
The part that sucks is that my life isnt' a movie - if I make a wrong decision I can't rewind and choose a different option... my life isn't a game - its my life and I need to figure out how to live it.
I got back the second revisions of my review of literature for my thesis - and once again I received minimal revisions - which just shocks me because as I've been told many times over I'm not a strong writer - thus how on a thesis document am I getting "Well done" and little corrections - that doesn't make sense to me. My changes take less than ten minutes whereas my labmates have taken 2-3 weeks!
Additionally my advisors keep me guessing about whether or not there is even a PhD possibility - one moment they talk as if I'm doing one - and then the next they talk like such a possibility is not even probable. Its frustrating - but I've learned with such a topic to roll with the punches at the moment.
All-in-all I'm ok for the moment. I miss my friends...I miss Jen, Sharon, Aine, Lesley, Janice, Jos.....
I was lucky enough to have a random visit by Daniela this weekend as she came to celebrate a fellow med students birthday - and the prior weekend I went to a wedding with Becky which was entertaining in its own rights. I've bought a bunch of books - and I continue to seek out ways to make others happy - thats the one thing I know that brings me happiness - the ability to make another smile or feel good about themselves... otherwise my search for happiness continues.

Side Note - a Windsor Fashion Spotting!
Walking to downtown on Thursay night for a dinner meeting - I walked beside a Fur store - I thought it was funny because most of the stores along the way have been closed or abandoned - yet the Fur store was open... I looked across the street and low and behold was another Fur store - so two OPEN Fur stores across the street from each other in a failing to thrive community. MORE humorous was the fact that alongside these TWO Fur shops were TWO schwarma places! hahaha - I found that way too funny.... ALSO - on Saturday night while a few blocks up from the next before - there was another Fur establishment, even larger than the previous too.... it just doesn't make sense to me.

come on down - superman your the next contestant...

2007-06-28T15:52:00.000-07:00

Apparently since Jen is off on adventures in Europe (currently Poland) and Sharon is soon to embark on a journey to Cuba - I have felt the need to "over-blog". Although I'm sure both Jen and Sharon will state that there is no such thing - and that I should probably blog more often (as long as I abide by the "rules") to let them know what I'm up too in my far away land of Windsor.
Today I'd like to share a brief thought about game shows.
I don't mean the game shows like deal or no deal that are pure luck but seem to provide a level of entertainment for home and audience viewers alike - but rather games of a higher intellect - for example jeopardy. I love jeopardy - such a great game - and hosted by a Canadian - very cool. I enjoy testing my attainment of knowledge - and every episode not only learn a little bit more = but also expand my realization that in the world of knowledge I know very little. Which actually brings me to the reason as to why I decided to tell you about game shows. Last night I was watching 1 vs 100 hosted by the dad from Full House - another great television show that usually airs re-runs at 5pm - if I happened to have cable.... but it does test some level of your knowledge - but typically more pop culture and trival type things - than from a realm of higher academics. Last night there was a question.
Which came first
a) chicken mcnuggets
b) egg mcmuffin
c) both at the same time
I first laughed at the thought that they were asking a McDonalds question - a so-called restaurant I try to avoid and am usually successful at - unless I am craving a mcflurry.
Nonetheless - I didn't know the answer. I assumed chicken mcnuggets. McDonalds was about burgers and lunch/dinner meals before it expanded horizons to included breakfast items such as option b). I have also eaten the chicken mcnuggets whereas I have not had an egg mcmuffin - nor do I plan on starting. Well it just so happens that b) was the correct answer. McDonalds introduced the world to egg mcmuffins in 1973 and chicken mcnuggets in 1983. It was at that moment in time I realized that I was older than chicken mcnuggets. That my friend is how you know you are getting old - when you cannot say that you lived in a time when chicken mcnuggets always existed - its like saying you walked the earth before cars were invented. My life is over - just kidding - but it was still a scary thought.
Random side note of todays post - Who wants to be a superhero - is a television show hosted by Mr. Lee.... although its cheesy - I still have found myself almost through episode one in a matter of a day --- and I wonder why my thesis isn't getting done... hmmmmm

Superman has a memory like an elephant.

2007-06-27T09:14:00.000-07:00

I remember! (big surprise eh Sharon) what I was going to vent about.... I was so upset about it that I temporarily blanked in from my memory!
I was upset because while on my visit to Whitby to have some good times with some good people (and of course free food and booze) I saw a horrible sight. It was horrible. Well - ok - to some people it may not be horrible - but to me it was. Its like when you're a kid and you get so excited about Christmas - because lets face it - its a holiday about getting presents (oh yeah and celebrating the birth of some baby named Jesus we claimed roamed the earth over 2000 years ago that came to save our souls for eternal damnation ..... I suppose that is important too!)...but back to the presents - you get so excited as a child to wake up early in the morning (although all night you tried to stay awake at the hopes you might actually get to meet the man himself - Santa Claus - that maybe he'd take you on a ride in his sleigh - or at least let you feed Rudolph the cookies you had your mom the night before specially make for him!)...but upon waking in the morning you are bursting with excitement to wake everyone else up in the house - to see what he brought you - what the lovely man in the red suit with a bowl full of jelly-like stomach and a cheery laugh of "ho ho ho" - oh what oh what did the man bring you ---- and then you see that the entire christmas tree has been burnt to a crisp and the only present that was saved from the horrible fire was that sweater your great aunt agnus knitted with a picture of a kitty kat on the front - of course made with flame retardant string materials.... that would be a horrible sight. Its never happened to me, nor do I have a great aunt agnus - actually... I do... my mom's step dad who was my grandpa as her real dad died in her twenties - so he's the only grandpa I knew - he has a sister named agnus - and she actually lives here in the Windsor area - but back to the anger of such a christmas morning - that would suck if it happened to you - and that is what I imagine my feelings of the horrible sight saw on sunday could relate too....just to paint a picture of sorts.
Before moving to where my mom currently dwells I grew up in Whitby. I loved living there. I was devastated when I was told we were moving (didn't help that it was two weeks after the house was sold that I was even told we were considering selling... nor did it help that everyone else alreday knew and they drew straws to see who would have to tell me - knowing that I may just be the devil's child and don't really belong to the people who claim to be my birth parents)... anyway - we sold the house to a family friend. I told him that if he ever was going to sell he had to let me put in an offer first. I wanted my house back. I loved that house - for more reasons than I care to try and devulge via a blog - but that structure meant a lot to me... yah yah yah - home is where the heart is - or the family... I get that - the actually house meant something to me which I don't expect you to understand without my explanation and reasons - but tough luck - go with it!
Well upon seeing "my" house again - which I hadn't seen in about a year - I almost threw up. The garage was collapsing - the rough of the house needed to be completely replaced - and the fencing - the fencing I use to sit upon and ponder lifes many mysteries - or jump over to retrieve a runaway ball - or crawl under in the attempt to run away from a bigger and older brother....was no longer serving much purpose as a fence - but rather a fire hazard. The pine tree in the back yard from which I once gathered many a pinecones was brown leaved - WATER THE TREE!... too late... its dead. The windows were cracked and torn - the front lanscape - nor longer lucious with plants and flowers - but rather neglected and ignored... the tree in the front yard, a red mapple, one my father planted himself - long forgotten and needing love...wishing for a young girl or boy to play under its shade it will so willingly provide - but instead is left to whimper.
Who lets a house go from a nice warm inviting loving home to something not even worth much more than a first glance. I can't believe I'm saying this - but I don't want my house back - well I do - but its not possible - my house is gone - and ruins are left in its place. A house that has stood for many years - is now wilting away trying to find the energy to stand tall - but its back is broken - crippling it slowly to the ground until it possibly one day may be no more.
Its pathetic. Its disgusting. I'm hurt - and there isn't a thing I can do about it.
Random side note - I recently went under a general A. I haven't been put under in like 20 years - so it was nice to see I didn't have to breath in some gas from a really bad smelling face mask - but rather got something injected via an IV tube - sounds weird - oh well.... but the funny part is the instructions that come with it --- don't drive for 24 hours, don't drink alcohol for 24 hours, don't take public transportation without adult supervision for 24 hours etc... makes sense - but the one that makes me laugh - don't make any financial decisions for 48 hours! hahahah - just thought I'd share that! hehehehe.

Up up and Away

2007-06-26T12:00:00.000-07:00

I was going to start his post off with a rant. But I don't really recall what that rant was directed at - but I still will share one with you none the less - I just cannot promise it was the original one intended.
Hand Sanitizer. Disinfective Creams/Soaps/Sprays.
DRIVE ME UP THE WALL.
First of all - those wipes you can use in the kitchen that kill 99% of bacteria and germs - thats not a good thing. The so called 1% that is left behind - has all this room to grow, spread, and change - all of which are not killed by the wipes - SINCE THEY DIDN'T GET KILLED IN THE FIRST PLACE. It is better to throw your kid in a pile of mudd to play than make sure they are completely disinfected.... the mudd at least helps them increase their immune system so they themselves can fight off antibodies - rather than weakening their immune system.
Next point - Church.
Ever since SARS everyone is freaking out about the sharing of germs - so now the people that give out the eucharist (little piece of white bread for those who don't go to church) are required to clean their hands with hand sanitizer. I don't mean just one droplet - no no - these people are pouring the crap on their hands. So now their hands are so called clean of germs - BUT they are touching "food" that is about to go inside people's mouths for digestion - AWESOME - the transfer of posion from bottle to hand to mouth. The hand sanitizer is called HAND sanitizer for a reason.
I coudl go on - but I'll save you the details.
It was nice to go to churhc in Whitby though - I hadn't been to that parrish in a long time - so it was nice to see people I haven't seen in a while - even nicer when they still remembered who I was. The part I thought was funny though - was all the people, who are my age - who have kids of their own now - and not married. Just another point to tell my mother when in my attempt to tell her I'm doing a PhD and I'm a good kid (not that that other kids aren't - but with my mom - it will probably work to me advantage - which probably makes me somewhat evil - oh well - different strokes for different folks).
This weekend was nice. I got to travel to Toronto - ok the travel wasn't nice because it took me about 6 hours to get from Windsor to Toronto due to traffic - that sucked - but I made it. I met Jen at the Yorkdale mall (often confused in the past as the Scar. Town Center), where we had a coffee with Mark and Mark's "old" English teacher from high school who was a complete delight!
Then we headed to Whitby - we spent some time with Jen's parents and watched Will Smith (and son) in The Pursuit of Happyness (yes I know happiness is really with an "i"). Jen then finished up a course requirement for her Unite for Sight adventure and we headed to bed. In the morning, Jen, her mom and nana went to the spa, while Jen's dad and I did a bunch of things to get ready for the party... even picked up the surprise - all the way from Montreal - MEGAN.
The going away party was a lot of fun. New friends, old friends (yeah to high school people I hadn't seen in a while) and family! Oh yeah - even some of Jen's neighbours. After the party dwindled we spent the night drinking and playing cards.... and counting eye glasses - 300 pairs....for Jen to take with her. The next morning - I went to church, Megan left for Montreal - then the rest gathered for breakfast at Dines before continuing on with more packing adventures. The time of departure from the Rycroft housedhold - 1pm sharp. Time Jen finished packing....oh 12:50pm. oh wait - thats not true. After leaving the house, and being asked if she had her e-tickets - truth of the matter was that she didn't - so they turned around and went back to the house - and attempted departure number two. Maggie and I in one car played a nice game of cat and mouse with the other car (John, Mary, Mark and Jen) before the other car had to turn off to go to the airport! Maggie and I went to her place for a bit - which is a great little apartment if I do say so myself - and Jen and Mark have safely made it to Scotland! WOO WOO

Need a Clark Kent who isn't married...

2007-06-14T09:26:00.000-07:00

Monday morning I drove to the airport in Windsor. Well thats not true. I drove in the direction of the airport in Windsor - was a few blocks away from my destination locale and realized I didn't actually recall how to get there. I quickly called my mother to pull out the map and ask her to direct me to where I needed to go. She didn't answer the phone. Maybe its just up the street a little further I thought to myself - nah thats silly - you've passed the road you needed to turn - so I entered a gas station. Awesome teenagers....shouldn't they be at school? Maybe they are older than they appear - oh well - lets ask where the airport is. I ask. I felt like a tool. Not a wrench, or a screwdriver - more like a cold metal hammer.... They started to try and explain where it was - but they were both giving different directions - so they pulled out the very conveniently placed map of Windsor - it became clear to me at that moment that many other hammers came in to ask for directions as well. We figured it out. I just drove past a turn - no big deal. I drove back the three blocks I had overdriven turned right and there was the airport before me. In Toronto that wouldn't happen because you can see the structure from a distance - you could pretty much stand in front of the Windsor airport and not realize that it was an airport... its that tiny.
I met up with Fearon (like Erin with a "F"). She had flown in from Fredricton New Brunswick. I had met Fearon just over a year ago when we were doing data collection in Barrie, and then at a conference in Barrie - and now she was in Windsor for a conference hosted in well Windsor. It was a three day conference about the automotive sector - moreso related to engineering. Its interesting to see the technologies and such that we are developing to try and improve automotives. Its also interesting to learn how many of these new technologies I'm against. But I'll save that for an in person conversation if you don't mind - but still care to know.
Dinner the first night Fearon and I sat down at a table and we were joined by a Chemistry professor from Mac. He was very entertaining and made dinner quite delightful. After dinner he was going to make a point to view the posters both Fearon and I (plus our respective group members) had created for the conference. (Its a competition and the winning group gets approximately $5000! - we didn't win :( ). Well he kept his promise. He viewed our posters - found us and asked us questions about the poster (the poster defense wasn't even suppose to occur the first night! hahaha). A PhD student from Waterloo ended up having to save me from the grilling session I was going through... not because I couldn't hold my own nor that I was answering the question incorrectly - just that it was going on forever and it really wasn't fair to me. I understood that he just wanted to understand the information presented on the poster - but it was clear that he was not a biomechanist - and did not understand what we do - nor gave me an adequate amount of time to answer his question before he moved on to his next point in trying to prove my research improper. The scary thing was that I pretty much understood his poster - but thats the chemistry background I suppose playing its part.
Anyway - the more entertaining part of the conference is when you run into someone from high school - someone you didn't keep in contact with - someone you may have asked to go to prom with you and he rejected. Yop that was fun. Actually it was fine - but it was definitely interesting. I had seen him at an engineering conference last year but didn't really talk - whereas this year we did - both at the conference and at the bars afterwards. One of his colleagues is finishing up his masters of engineering and is hopefully to actually start training for the oylmpics in 6 years I think to be on the rowing team! He started rowing not too long ago and has fallen in love with it and hopes he can make this dream come true -- it was an interesting conversation.
More disappointing news that happened within the three days of the conference is that we got news that grant we had applied for that was the reason as to why I came to windsor in the first place (that got denied last year and the year before)... which would fund my masters and phd research got denied yet again. So tomorrow I have to have meetings with my advisors to see what I'm going to do now - I hope that my masters thesis can still go on as planned because I'm not wanting to start from scratch this late in the game - I don't want to be the forever masters student! hahaha... plus after the poster grilling I went through I think that should fulfill my research defence requirements and I should be handed the degree right now!
Anyway - I'll leave my adventures at that.
Oh wait - there was a guy at the conference who looked a lot like Clark Kent - the suit, the hair, the glasses - it was entertaining me for a while - but it was sad in the end because he was married.

Fun with words...

2007-06-08T20:12:00.000-07:00

Noun: alarm
Verb: sleep in
Noun: school
Noun: phone call
Verb: watch
Noun: movie
Verb (past): studied
Verb (past): drove
Verb (past): picked
Verb (ending in ing): walking
Person: Mother Nature
Verb: rain
Noun (plural): trees
Noun (plural): streets
Verb: hurt
Verb (ending in ing): traveling
Adjective: famous
Verb: refuel
Noun: plane
Adjective: eccentric
Place: Windsor
Verb (past): decided
Adjective: dangerous
Adjective: surprise
Noun (plural): streets
Noun: water
Noun: casino
Verb (ending in ing): viewing
Noun: event
Verb: listen
Adjective: famous
Adjective: random
Person: Michael Jackson

Today when my noun went off, I decided that I would verb. That meant I would delay going to noun. However I received a noun from my classmate Kat, and she asked if I would verb a noun with her while we verb(past). I agreed. I verb(past) to school and verb(past) Kat up. As we were verb(ing) to my car person decided to make it verb. We were completely soaked. It was actually kind of funny.

However the fun to be had was still ahead. The storm had caused noun(plural) to fall down upon many of the noun(plural). I don’t think anyone was verb, which is good. However it did change a lot of people’s plans. Especially for those who were verb(ing) a far distance. Most notably a certain adjective individual who was only in the area to verb his noun. He is an adjective individual who has never been to place before and verb(past) he was going to make the most of it while his plane was grounded for the night due to adjective weather reports. He decided that he was going to throw a adjective performance! A surprise musical concert! On the noun(plural), by the noun, and just outside of the noun, a once in a life time concert was performed as the rain lightly sprinkled down upon us who were verb(ing) the noun. It was so much fun. Not typically an artist I would verb to, nor do I understand why he was in the area, but adjective people are allowed to be adjective at times too I suppose. Nonetheless I enjoyed myself thoroughly. Who was the surprise concert put on by?.....person.

Ok – so the last paragraph was made up – well – at least I don’t think Michael Jackson was in Windsor with a grounded plane and put on a surprise music concert in the downtown area – but the first paragraph was true!!

Fortress of Solitude

2007-06-05T13:10:00.000-07:00

You told me this weekend that I am no longer allowed to make my blog the obits section - so I regret to inform you that I cannot type certain information regarding the last day - and I do this just to make you happy.
Instead I'll talk about things that you (Jen and Sharon) were present for.
The Crystal at the ROM.
It twas a very interesting outing. It was an outing that was to end with the exploration of a new world - one within the realms of the world we already exist - one that was built by man. So I suppose I should not have been too surprised by the fact it was not a fortress of solitude as it was not created by beings from another planet that has long since been destroyed. Although when one mentions a building to me that is built to ressemble crystals the Cal-El's fortress of solitude is what floats amongst the images in my mind. Although walking admist a fortress of solitude would provide me with great entertainment, the structure referred to as the Crsytal, the new addition to the ROM, was also quite entertaing. I do believe that this should be the location of a Canada's Next Top Model Photo Shoot.... Jen and Mark were able to take some quite outstanding photos in my mind using the different angles and structures within our midst. Although the night was focused on exploring the structure absent of any right angles - and it was fascinating - I do not think that was my favourite moment of the evening. There were other incidents such as playing with candle wax, walking along multiple dimly lit streets with homes that possessed much character and mystery, a flashing light that beat to the tune of one's own rhythm (heart beat), a geography lesson of north versus south Australia, the pruchase of the most expensive drinks I've ever been in the presence of at a bar, a shirtless man in the most tight and pink pants I have ever seen, a television star dining with us - or maybe a table beside where we were sitting, but to go along with that television star we did have some interesting mini-dramas not starring this said television star, and many more stories from the time we left the house to the time we returned (at our own times). My favourite moments though were the journey to the first meeting location. This journey involved a story amongst itself! There were buses, broken subways, crammed buses, interesting street cars, bum dances, window poundings, longing goodbyes, a strange walk of a stranger trying to belong, an almost missed stop, but also, and most importantly, the creation of a new friendship amongst people who would otherwise not know each other. It just goes to show - you should sometimes talk to strangers in Toronto - sure I don't advise this all the time - be somewhat selective - not discriminatory - just selective - you never know who you could meet or what stories you'll have to tell - people are interesting - people can be fun - TTC Brian was.....

Superman can doubledutch

2007-05-29T13:51:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder if I should rename my blog to the obits section! hahaha - well I guess that isn't actually funny.... needless to say at this point - another family member has passed - I didn't know her - she was my mom's "step" cousin. My grandpa's niece.

On a completely different note - my mom and sister are back from B.C. I had asked that if they were going to get me something that they might try to bring me back something Dutch - they were going to sucha cultural locale in Washington State. They brought me back a watch - makes sense - I've always enjoyed watches! Except - I didn't quite understand the purchase as it was not noticeably dutch - infact its not dutch at all - but oh well its a nice watch. I was then looking at it more closely and noticed it was engraved - so I thought - cool maybe it was Holland - it doesn't. I couldn't make out where it started or finished so I thought maybe it said something in Dutch - which would also be very cool. Nope - not in dutch - its not a saying either - its a name. The name - Louis Vuitton.
Thats right - the mother who didn't let where Nike shoes growing up because BiWay was as name brand as I was going to get - bought me a LV watch and didn't even know it - she didn't pay the crazy prices like the watches are worth - but its still very cool that I have one! So it may not be Dutch - but it works for me! woo woo!

Planning on being in Toronto this weekend which I'm looking forward to because it means I get to hopefully spend a bunch of time with Jen, Sharon and Maggie. hopefully it all works out - Jen was even saying that on top of the "gathering" going on that the ROM is having a cool openning thing - looking forward to the randomness that may lie ahead!

superman is good

2007-05-18T15:27:00.000-07:00

Nelly Furtado sings a song about why all good things come to an end. I don't think all good things come to an end - some mature and change and become even gooder... hahaha I know... better. Yet other good things do come to an end - but that is usually because other good things need room to enter - or at least thats the optimistic way of looking at it I suppose.
Lately I feel that I've been lacking on the new good. Some good has come to an end - but I just haven't had anything come to replace it - and I suppose it just feels like I have a little bit of a void - an empty space - Its not to say that I'm not a fortunate individual - I am - I have many things - more things than probably I deserve - and I know that for the most part it is up to me to make these new good things happen - and its not due to lack of trying - I think its more that I don't know what I'm looking for - and I don't know where to look. I've never been good at change - I've never been good at letting go of the past - and I've always been scared about the future - but I still put my shoes on and trudge forward. I think that I just might be a bit worn down at the moment and need a energy boost - or a good nights rest - well I'm off to go find some more good....

a warm cup of tea and sugar

2007-05-16T10:21:00.001-07:00

I think that the first funeral I ever attended was my Opa's (grandfather)...but at that age I didn't really understand what it meant when I person died.
In grade eight though I remember when my Uncle Ben suddenly passed. I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral because it was during a school day. My elementary school and the church were side by side and separated by a little linked fence... about the height of a 3rd or 4th grader. We were on recess and the church parking lot started filling with cars and my dad drove in with our van. I remember trying to get his attention because I didn't want to be at school any more I wanted to go to my uncle's funeral - but my dad didn't hear me. I was really emotionally distraught. My grade eight teacher tried to calm me down - but I was really upset.
The thing I remember most about Uncle Ben and Aunt Mona is being at their house for sleepovers and eating some cookies with warm tea and suger at the table. My aunt and I were in our pjs.
I just got the phone call saying that my Aunt Mona passed away in her sleep. So she went peacefully - which is good because she had been suffering from Alzheimer's. I had to call my mom in B.C. and let her know - its a good thing she's with my Aunt Betty and Uncle Derek though - so they can all have a good laugh or cry or memory sharing or whatever - I suggested some tea and sugar - in her honour as I assume they aren't going to get on a plane and fly to Whitby for Fridays activities.
The scary thing to me is that I was just thinking about my Uncle Ben's funeral yesterday and wondered how my Aunt Mona was doing - I guess I now know..... she's sleeping peacefully.... or maybe having a cup of warm tea and sugar with my Uncle Ben~!

a warm cup of tea and sugar

2007-05-16T10:21:00.000-07:00

and the day continues...

2007-05-14T11:58:00.000-07:00

monday mornings at the bank usually allow us to smoothly get back into a working mode... well not this morning - it was hectic even before we openned the doors!
whats even worse - we had to call 911 today. My supervisor collapsed. She was brought to hospital and I haven't heard yet how she is - but I'm sure she is doing ok.
Now I'm off to Windsor - man I'm tired... been up for 11.5 hours and counting!

Up, up and away!

2007-05-14T05:03:00.000-07:00

I have not been well lately.
Started off with a headache. The headache grew into a migraine. Which led to needing pure silence, darkness, and a puke bucket by my bed. Its not fun cleaning out said bucket though when you still aren't well. It gets better. The next day - my "week off" began... fuktabular! ALSO - earlier in the week my toe took a bit of a beating - and it turns out its horribly infected and I have to go on antibiotics to try and stop the infection... right - me on antibiotics. The doctor had to go through a book to try and find one that I hadn't tried and possibly may not be allergic too! He seemed to enjoy yet be annoyed with the challenge!. The one he ended giving me has been ok --- My stomach is still very weak....and now everything tastes like dirty metal....and I'll save other details - but I'm not swelling, or rashing... so its not too bad!
I didn't get to go to Toronto for Sharon's bday :( It doesn't seem like it has already been a year though since she, Jen, Mark, John, Talon, etc.. went o Cuba for some grand celebrations! But speaking of trips and planes and celebrations... I had to get up at 3:30 this morning and take my mom and sister to the airport. They are flying to Calgary to have lunch with my brother and his girlfriend. Ok - thats not WHY they are flying to Calgary... they are actually on their way to B.C. and Calgary happens to be a stop on the way for them - and it happens that my brother and his girlfriend are in Calgary at the moment - so they are getting together at the airport for lunch. Then off to beautiful B.C. Well I've never been there to say personally that it is beautiful - but I've seen pictures and stories - and it seems to be.
I'm really proud of my mom for going. Just over a year ago my dad and her decided to go visit my aunt and uncle in B.C. for their 35th wedding anniversary... that would be May 19th (also the anniversary of Rafa and Sharon ;) )... but obviously my dad can't physically be there with my mom - but I'm sure he will be with her nonetheless.
I wish I could have gone with them - my mom said she'd even pay for me to go - which would be awesome because I've never been there - and it might be one of my last chances to see my aunt and uncle since they are getting older.... but sadly I have not proposed my thesis - so I must stay behind and work harder at this school thing. I guess you can't play all the time.
Well I'm off to start my day with other things (even though my day actually started almost 5 hours ago...YUCK!).

Trying to learn on lunch

2007-05-04T09:48:00.000-07:00

At the beginning of my lunch break today I decided I was going to try and expand my horizons of worldly news. I visited the url of cnn.com. I have not visited this site since the tradegy at Virigina Tech.
Today there was a story there about a man named Workman. In 1982 he was convicted of killing a police officer during a robbery of a Wendys restaurant that went wrong. He did not plan to kill anyone and claims any loss of life is tragic - but understands he needs to pay the price. Thus the 53 year old has spent most of his life behind bars. On May 9th he is to be put to death. This is his fourth scheduled appointment for the procedure. The method with which he is suppose to meet his end - lethal injection.
Now I'm not a fan of the death penatly. This doesn't mean I agree with the person's actions - I'm just not so sure we should be allowed to take the life of someone - I'm just not sure. I don't want to have to be the one to judge, or flick the switch, or push the needle. But that is what got me thinking.
People who work for the government get paid to end the life of a prisoner so they can pay their debt to society. Although I have never conducted a study - my hypothesis would be that most inmates don't really have a death wish. Yet - Dr. K (dr. death) gets criticized and punished for helping those who are pleading for help to move on as they are horribly suffering. I'm not saying I agree or disagree with those methods either - but it just seems a bit contradictory. We will pay someone to kill someone who does not necessarily want to die but has done something wrong - and punish the person who is trying to help some die peacefully who is in agony yet is assumed a good person. How is one lethal injection more acceptable than the other? Would it be ok to give that person who wants to die a lethal injection if they go out and kill someone first - even if they don't want to kill that person - but do wish to die themselves?
I need to do more research/reading on all of this to actually form a true opinion for myself - but these were just my thoughts for the moment.

what does garbage remind you of?

2007-05-01T20:16:00.000-07:00

Grandfathers.
Almost everyone has a grandfather. A father of one of your parents. Typically people have two grandfathers - well typically two biological grandfathers that is.
I did not get to meet both of mine. My mom's dad died when she was in her early twenties (hmmm sounds familiar). However, I did get to meet her step-dad!! - and he was someone I always referred to as Grandpa - or Grandpa Tom.
My dad's dad died when I was a little girl. My memories of him are actually just photos I've seen. I do recall being at his funeral - not understanding what was going on - but I saw my cousin Patty cry - so I cried too... not because I was sad but because I thought I was suppose to cry!
From experience I find that there is usually something, or a few somethings that help remind you of a person after they have passed on --- or trigor a memory. When talking with others usually a fishing trip, or a war story, or a certain car reminds them of their grandfathers.
What reminds me of my grandpa?
Burning Garbage.
Yeah I know!
How does burning garbage remind you of someone?? That just doesn't sound right!
Living in a rural area one can burn their garbage. My grandpa use to burn a lot of garbage and I have a clear memory of him out in the yard with his bin doing so! I loved watching! I love camp fires and such --- good stories --- good heat --- good company, etc.....
It happens quite often that I as I drive between my mom's place and school that I see at least one person out at their fire bin burning garbage! (not hard to believe sicne I drive all country roads!)
So yes... burning garbage reminds me of my grandpa~!

Just a date on up

2007-04-24T20:37:00.000-07:00

Here's an update.
* Not very much more advanced on thesis :(
* My automatic car likes to stall :( ... switched cars with mom so I can make a brief trip to Toronto :/ (only half smile... good I have a car to go to T.O. ... sad that its only brief)
* Had really really really (like x12) strange dreams lately....thus not sleeping well :(
* Won a scholarship :)
* Finally designed and decided on a marker for my dad's grave :/ (happy because its done, not so happy we had to do it)
* Got photos developed that I took in Dec-Feb...really happy with how some turned out. I took some of the farm with it covered in ice so it looks really cool! Going to make a picture arrangement for my Grandmother for mother's day or her birthday (same month) :)
* Nice weather lately :)

Not sure what else... really weird dreams though!! hahahaha...

its a small world after all...

2007-04-18T10:49:00.001-07:00

I know right now there is a lot of media coverage about the shootings at VTech. My thoughts and prayers go out to all those affected (directly of indirectly). The purpose of this is not for me to actual share my thoughts comments and feelings about the situation --
Sometimes it is interesting just how small the world is. When I heard of the 32-33 deaths that occurred on Monday I didn't assume that I would know anyone. I knew that amongst the victims one individual was Canadian - but I didn't know them. I don't believe I knew any of the students who were harmed... I also have not fully looked at the list of names.
However, I do have a link to one of the professors. He has done some great research within the realms of biomechanics. Though I never met him, my advisor knew him. Below is a link to his profile on the VTech site - just for interests sake - and to acknowledge him in a way. He has yet to be "featured" on any of the news reports when they give little stories about the victims.
http://www.sbes.vt.edu/Faculty/VT/granata.htm

its a small world after all...

2007-04-18T10:49:00.000-07:00

Its starting to look a lot like.....

2007-04-08T18:15:00.000-07:00

There is nothing like waking up in the morning all warm and cozy in your bed....knowing that your family is in their respective beds throughout the house.... well maybe not everyone. Mom has already woken to start her morning, brewed a fresh pot of coffee, dressed, and begins to scurry around the house making certain preparations before the rest of the house begins to stir. You wake up, you throw off the covers, slip your feet into the slippers you ever so carefully placed at the edge of your bed on the floor the night before so they'd await your arrival in the morning. You give a good stretch and finally will yourself to stand. The first few steps are a sure sign that you have not quite fully awakened as you stumble trying to find your equilibrium and thus your balance. Although the warmth of the house deters you for a slight moment to recall the season that exists in the world outside the walls that surround you... the first glance out the most nearby window at the fresh morning snowfall allows you to recall the crisp bitterness of cold air that haunts you like a bad dream. However, the release of energy in the morning for those few moments allows you to appreciate the beauty of a winter snow - and concentrate on making it to the bathroom for your morning shower, to truely then "wake up".... after the journey of the shower and bathroom installments is complete you wander away from the bathroom to realize everyone in the house is now up and about - some desparately waiting for the bathroom to be vacant. Nothing like everyone rushing to get ready to make an appearance at church - knowing you have to get their early on such an occassion - because some people only show up on the holidays to fill the pews. Thats right - there is nothing like Christmas morning ..... in April? Right - its not Christmas - the snow, the cold, the hustle and bustle, the relatives home to visit - although sounds remarkably a lot like Christmas - actually was just a Easter playing a very late April Fools Day on people.... very funny...ha ha.
Well - the bunnies is coming - and the bunnies is here!
Happy Easter Everyone...
Oh yeah - and for those people who state that having their birthday at Christmas sucks the most - I now disagree. Having your birthday on Thanksgiving can suck as people spend the holiday with their families usually - but no big deal - you can have turkey for dinner (or in my family this usually would be ham - which I dislike to no end! hahaha)....but once again no big deal - just celebrate your half birthday instead - well this was the plan until I realized that 6 months after my birthday - is Easter. Well ain't that a slap in the face.... so today is April 8th - I wish you a Happy Easter - and a happy six months until Thanksgiving ;) .... hahahaha
(p.s. - that wasn't a pity call... and it sure as hell wasn't "lets plan some random party".... it was an observation I wanted to share.... please don't plan a random party in my honor - by all means though lets try and plan a party we can all attend - which I'm going to assume is the end of April at Jens maybe? yes?...)

Where is Supermans "I forgot how warm you are" when you need it?

2007-04-04T20:28:00.000-07:00

Here you go Sharon.

I haven't been sleeping much. And when I do - I dream. And I seem to dream the most randomly odd things - for example Jen and I trying to survive a nuclear bomb that gets set off in Whitby. (hey Jen - maybe words like nuclear bomb get the metrotoronto police to check blogs... if so - no worries it was just a random dream - I don't even know how to make a bomb...)

My advisor and I had a chat yesterday - it wasn't planned... and I wonder if he had planned the conversation though - just not the timing.....I'm still unsure if it was a scare tactic - but if it wasn't - it sure did work as one! This gal has got to get this thesis together more quickly!

Today - was a cold day. Winter days can be cold outside - but you can bundle up, keep moving, and try to stay inside. Most people probably took that advice today - but not me.... well I didn't intentionally avoid it. Today I went to Detroit. Not just Detroit though - but on Woodward Ave. It isn't football season so I was not making a visit to Ford Field (something I would love to do - but as of yet, have not). However, next door to Ford Field is the outstanding Comerica Park - home to the Detroit Tigers. The official home opener was on Monday - a nice day - a warm day - a day full of excitement and energy. Boy was it ever a different story today. The stadium was not sold out - I don't even think it was half full. People were not jolly, hugging their neighbour, sharing beers, cheering on the teams, watching some good ole baseball - oh no. People were in winter jackets, huddle under blankets, bringing out the gloves, and shivering beyond belief... and that was before it even started to snow! Thats right - it snowed. I have never been to a baseball game where it snowed - I can now scratch that off the things to do in life list!.... oh wait - that was never on it!... I had never longed so much before for baseball to be played on a glass covering over water while I sat on a beach in Cancun Mexico with a very nice looking waiter who enjoys to flirt with me constantly refilling my "monkeytoe". The Tigers were up 8-0 in the third..... then 9-0... then 9-2 (Thanks to FRANK THOMAS!!!! and Aaron Hill)..... then 10-2..... THEN in the EIGHT INNING 10-9..... Ten to freaking nine --- the blue jays were coming back!!! They were making the cold worth it...but no - they lost their mojo - lost it - should have had it - but no.... final score 10-9 for the Tigers.
You would think the worst part would be the blue jays losing - or even the cold... but no - the worst part was that the stadium ran out of hot chocolate - so we didn't have anything to keep warm with! BRUTAL!
and with that - its your weekend update - thanks for tunning in - I'm Amy Pheoler and Seth Myers...
Speaking of which - Payton Manning (Quarterback of the Colts)... was the host on SNL - AWESOMENESS!!!

Superman....Clark Kent.....Cal-L

2007-03-27T20:36:00.000-07:00

I've never really had a nickname before.... well not one that I've really ever gone by. The nickname I've been called the most would be Jack. My dad was never the best at remembering names so instead of Laura-Leo-Paula... which I suppose is a bit tricky to say he would exclaim Fred-Harry-Jack. (usually when we were getting ready to leave the house, or when dinner was ready, etc)
For a bit Elaine and I referred to each other as Jill and Jack, respectively. We were to be Jack and Jill in a dance once --- but never got to do so.
In high school once Katrina and I decided to give each other nicknames. She called me runaway. This was because the boys use to run away from me. Flattering I know. But it didn't stick so it doesn't matter.
Jen and I - since our native origin is Frogton became Frigitte and Frogetta. That didn't really stick either. (well not to be verbally called that at least).
A few people throughout university referred to me as P-Diddy ... but sicne someone else now likes to call himself that - I try and avoid it! hahaha.
Tom at Windsor started calling me "P"... and a few people picked up that habbit...which is weird because when yelling "P" down the hallway I wonder if anyone looks around for random urine...at least thats one of the first things I think of. hahaha.
At a conference a few weekends ago someone asked what my name was - but instead of hearing "Paula" correctly --- they thought the person said "Holla"... so for a short two days a few people called me "Holla".
Alright... don't worry there is a point to this...
Tonight while watching an episode of Law and Order my roommate and I started to discuss "Ice T". Its not the drinked iced tea... but its really close. It just makes you wonder why someone wants to be referred to as Ice T. Maybe Mr. T was an idol of his - and his friends said he was cool like Mr. T - or maybe even cooler - so much so that he was "ice".... thus the birth of Ice T. -- I'm sure if I googled it I'd find out - but maybe I'll save that for when I'm looking for somethign to desparately procrastinate with. So the discussion went on about the name - and how it is a beverage and we wondered if it was his favourite drink etc... than this is when the light bulb went off. Now - its probably not customary to give yourself a nickname - but Prince has done it several times - and thats gotta be the reason why he now has a bunch of money because it certainly cannot be for his skills of singing or entertaining. Nonetheless - a new nickname was born. One that seems so fitting. It starts with the letter "P" as my real does. It implies that I'm energetic - or at least peppy. AND - as with Ice T it sounds like one of my favourite drinks. What could this ever cleaver name be?
Pep-C.

a revelation of sorts

2007-03-26T05:27:00.000-07:00

This one is especially for you guys (Jen and Sharon)...
no it isn't a religious, academic, relationship, etc type of revelation....
however it is one I suppose about my persona -
but it is one that will help explain a lot of things I think.
What things you ask?
Let me list a few.
* Long hair (brown = which is of a dark nature I suppose)
* Top heavy
* Use to purposely have my make-up appear whitish (but in my defense I didn't actually realize how white it made my face - I was just trying to cover everything up -- just didn't have as smart of a method as I thought)

So what can explain such things?
Simple.
I'm adopted.
WHAT?
No seriously - hear me out.
I think my birth mother is famous - and while pregnant she had to go into hiding so no one knew she was giving birth - and then when she gave birth she had to give the baby (me) away.
Then my awesome parents took me in.
Although I'm still a bit unsure as to who my father is - who knows maybe my adopted dad is my real dad - its just my mom who adopted me!
So who is my mother in this theory.....?
The one
The only
Elvira.
So true.

Ok - so its not true - and I love my parents a ton - but if Elvira was my mom - it might explain a lot!

What do cartoon elephants remind you of?

2007-03-21T12:17:00.000-07:00

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping over the last few nights - to the extent that I literally lay there awake getting upset that I can't fall asleep because I'm so bloody tired. I'll even read to the point where I'm just about to fall asleep - I turn off the light and let my head hit the pillow - and BHAM - I'm wide awake again. However, I have been able to get a few light moments of sleep in - where I'm dreaming - and the dreams have been really random. The night before last I dreamt about being back in Antigua - then in the morning one of the guys from the Antigua trip contacted me - very odd.... But what I'm going to share with you is even more strange than that and probably means I should get checked into an institution of some sort! hahahaha.... I actually did not even realize that it was a dream until this afternoon. I finally emerged from the basement to the main floor level of the house to make myself some lunch. I had not already decided on what the meal was going to consist of - which means I wasn't craving anything...I had something from teh zoodles family. While sitting at the table eating my most extravagant meal (with of course a pepsi!) I was conversing with my roommate about her soon departure to a law school career day. The television was quietly playing in the background as I had tuned in to a soap. At this particular moment though - it was on commercials. The commercial was advertising a product that I fear I do not recall - maybe a cleaning product (which would make stereotypical sense... show a household cleaning product during the commercials of mid-day soaps most often watched by stay-at-home moms and dads who do most of the cleaning around the house!)... nonetheless the thing about the commercial that was like a cold slap across the face with a soft facecloth was the cartoon elephant. It was this elephant, the main character of the commercial that made me realize what happened in my dream was actually a dream and not reality. In my dream my dad was driving our van (which probably should have been the first indication that it was a dream!)... me and my dad were the only constants throughout the dream. A bunch of other people came and went along our journey. My brother and mother were never in the dream as they were "back at the cottage".... my dad adn I were driving around the little town our cottage was in.... I never sat in the co-pilot seat. We were just checking out the area, see what some of the other cottages have done to change their places - and to go look at the ones that were having open houses as they were for sale. I can so vividly at the moment picture some of the moments in my dream. But why would a clue cartoon elephant trigor the realization that none of this was real?... well because at one point while we were driving down a more or less main road in the dream - we drove by a row of houses to our right. In one of these houses my dad pointed out that an elephant was walking through the living room of the house! When in fact on closer look - the occupants were playing a game of sherades - and this guy (assumed to be the father) was able to do a shadow puppet of his entire body that looked like a walking elephant! Who would of thought that wasn't actually possible and not reality!?!?! hahaha

a new WFS

2007-03-14T13:07:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to remember all the details of this siting - as I had intended on posting it sooner - however the lack of a laptop really does present its problems to me. My roommates are even freaked out with the image of me not sitting in front of a computer...... of laptop fairy please visit me soon with a present!! hahaha
So for the newest addition of WFS (Windsor Fashion Siting)
Ariana and I were in my car on the way back from the grocery store. This girl is crossing the street. She is wearing brown ragged shoes that a rat probably wouldn't even try and make a home in. Yellow and brown horizontal stripe leggings. A long in the back but short in the front wavey sunflower print skirt. A brown tails suit jacket. And I don't recall the rest. Once again I thought (and this time said out loud to my company) "I wish I had a camera"... maybe the laptop fairy will make a visit with the digital camera fairy! hahahaah... probably not :(

you know superman's a redneck when...

2007-03-05T20:46:00.000-08:00

Although I was born and raised a city girl - the country girl in me does shine to the surface from time to time....

Here's another reason why sometimes living in the middle of nowhere can be entertaining...
Today I saw Jed.
I've never met Jed before... this would be our first meeting I guess one would say.
Well, no, I guess people wouldn't really say that because we didn't actually meet. I never went up to him and introduced myself, nor did he introduce himself to me. But thats ok, no introduction was needed for me to know that he was Jed.
I had seen him from the back a bit int he distance, and as I slowly over time got closer in proximity to him thats when I first realized he was Jed.
I've often heard stories about people like Jed - but I don't think any of the stories were specifically about him... maybe they were but I never thought to stop and ask the story tellor... mainly because I didn't know about Jed until this faithful night.
I don't even recall making eye contact with him actually...I'm not even sure if he looked my way - he may not have even noticed I was there - but no matter... I noticed him - and that is what makes this story important.
Jed definitely brought a smile to my face tonight - and possibly a bit of a chuckle - you see the reason why I knew I saw Jed tonight was because I was driving in my car along a country road not too far from my house - and came across him in his truck, his red pick up truck... with the Ontario Farmers License Plate personalized to say "JED". Pure redneckness! Nice! You all know he had is buddy Jack Daniel's in the passenger seat, and possibly rover the dog too!

Update on the Snot Roh Mit Rim situation ---- 0/13 :(

Superman - please bring my luck back

2007-03-02T17:04:00.000-08:00

Tim Hortons Roll up the Rim to win = 0/10. (My mom and sister combined are like 0/18).... contest has been running for five days. Note - 10 "rims" in five days, thus averaging 2 a day although not a lot for some people - is actually a lot for me when not living at Western - a world where buildings have at least one Snot Roh Mits at your disposal (5-10 minute line wait included).

Maxwell House Online Contest = didn't win.

Bad Weather = no trip to Windsor for Sharon, and no trip to Toronto for Paula.

Price Is Right = watched this show today with my grandmother - not even playing for the chance to win real prizes as I wasn't a true contestant on the show - did I win in make-believe world anyway? NOPE!.... did Nana laugh at me - You bet she did!

Winter Storm + Recycling Day = one lost recycling blue box....one was embedded deep enough in the snow to not take flight with the storm - the other one - who knows if we shall see it again.... so long blue box - it was nice recycling with ya!

Although I cannot truly complain about the happenings in my life this week in comparison to the other things I've lived through and in comparison to other issues current and past that people dwell on === but come on - not even a free donut when the chances are 1 in 9? By the way - if you are hoping to win one of the ipods - your chances are not 1/10000 ... we know a guy who already won one - so your chances are now 1/9999 ... but I'm sure other people have won too....

The biggest disappointment about the rims though this year - you can't win a BBQ! Whats with that? HONESTLY.

dah rim

2007-02-27T14:39:00.000-08:00

hahaha - its my favourite time of year.
No not RSP season - I'll be happy when that is over so it no longer seems like a full moon at work!
But its "roll up the rim to win" time at Snot Roh Mits (read backwards).
When I'm home and my mom visits the aforemention venue - she asks "Do you want anything from Tims?"
Oh no - not Monday.
Monday she asks "You want a rim?"
And I knew what that meant! -- this is clearly the more pathetic point!

This time of year definitely makes me increase my drink purchases at Tims. Gimmics and slogans work on me - I love the beavers from Bell... I love the zoom zoom of Mazda - and I just can't say no to a roll up the rim cup! hahaha - and the duck from Aflac just makes me laugh! But I don't have (at least not currently) anything to do with Alfac.... well I don't have a Mazda either come to think of it..... hmmmmm.... lack of money strikes again!

In 2007, prior to this week, I have probably had maybe a handful of French Vanillas from Tims. In the last two days - 4. Of those 4 how many rims have I rolled up and won something - zero. Thats the worst rim streak I've had - 0/4.

Tonight I shall be given another cup - here's hoping the big prize is with the five~

yet another reason why we (I) need "superman"

2007-02-22T07:56:00.000-08:00

I drove my roommate Ariana to the train station today so she could embark on her spring break adventures. When I returned to the house I noticed my other roommates were also all gone and that I had the dwelling to myself. At first I was quite saddened by being alone - I lived there all summer without a roommate - but the last time I was there by myself well - my family situation altered a bit.
However, not too long after two of my roommates returned as they do not leave until Friday.
One roommate and I after all other plans for the evening fell through decided to stay in and watch a movie. I chose Cheaper By the Dozen 2. WHY you may ask. Simple. 1) its an enjoyable comedy that you can sit back, watch and be entertained without too much effort whatsoever. 2) Tom Welling.
I had not seen this movie until last night but I had seen the first of the series and enjoyed it because Tom Welling is the second oldest child - and he didn't disappoint - he appeared in the second film as well. Sadly he wasn't in every second of every scene but I suppose that would have thrown the plot of the movie off.
TONIGHT - I also get to have a nice fill of Tom Welling. It is Thursday which means such exciting shows as Grey's Anatomy is on - but my heart throb Tom Welling will be starring as Superman in the television series Smallville. It is just unfortunate that in real life Tom is married to some other individual (clearly not as worthy as I am though! hahaha) and the odds of me ever meeting him are slim to ziltch... but the fact remains that I enjoy having this Superman in my life because he helps me to forget about my worries, forget all my cares just for a little bit - and that break sometimes means more than one can tell.

True Story

2007-02-19T12:01:00.000-08:00

My mom told me a story about some people she knows.
This woman who lives at the nursing home my mom works at is always visited by her husband and there dog. Sadly on Feb. 7th 2007 her husband passed away. Although the nursing home has been under lockdown the lady was able to go to her husbands funeral. On Feb. 14th 2007 (aka Valentine's Day) she walked up to one of the staff members and asked what day it was - and she informed her of the date and the holiday. The lady replied - "I think I'll go to my sweetheart today".... and sure enough she passed away! I know that two people have now died and it will definitely be difficult on their family and friends - but how sweet of a story is that!!! My mom and I both wondered who has the dog now though!!!

Another thing of the weekend that I heard that I enjoyed. Its about forgiveness. Some say in order to be forgiven you must first believe in sin --- but I think that is only from a religious aspect and does not have to be the case. There are many people who don't follow a religion - and they still do things "wrong" and ask for forgiveness by stating they are sorry. This is the thing that I heard that I liked....

don't forgive with a if (ie: only if you never do it again)
don't forgive with a but (ie: but only when you do this for me)
forgive
fully and completely - otherwise you aren't forgiving at all.